“Not dumb enough!” muttered a disgusted Theo Epstein as he sat in his office, feverishly typing the names of MLB GMs into a database while a Call of the Green Monster staff member sat hiding in a closet in his office. The desperate GM continued to peck away at keys on his computer keyboard. With each flurry of strokes, another profile of a GM from another team would appear. “Not dumb enough!” Epstein sighed again.
Finally the COTGM reporter emerged from Theo’s closet. A stunned Epstein reached for the phone to call security, but the reporter threatened to reveal a humiliating incident from Epstein’s childhood and was invited to sit down. Asked what he was doing, Epstein cited the Red Sox privacy policy.
“Tiny Tot pre-school,” our reporter began, “at that time, you had the nickname…”
“Okay, okay!” Epstein shouted. He looked up and spoke tentatively. “I am exploring the possibility of trading J.D. Drew.”
“And this computer database?”
“Look, it’s very simple,” a testy Epstein explained. “The guy has been another boneheaded signing on my part. He’s not going to make it here in Boston—for crying out loud he probably won’t even be in the starting line-up in a couple of weeks. We’re not the Yankees, we can’t have $14 million platoon players. So I need to do very detailed, intricate, complex, research.”
“Research for?”
“To find a GM dumb enough to take him in a trade!” Epstein screamed. He sat back for moment and tried to compose himself. “We keep a detailed database of GMs and study their tendencies, their habits, their odd nuances. We follow their personal lives to see when they might be in the midst of some emotional crisis, and hence vulnerable to making a bad trade. We rate them on a dumbness scale of 1 to 5, 1 being the most vulnerable. Almost everybody does this. For instance, the Padres knew I was having a nervous breakdown when I traded Josh Bard and Cla Meredith for Mirabelli.”
As Epstein was speaking, his computer started beeping. His head whipped around to look at the screen. “Ah ha, splendid!” he said with a big smile. “Marital problems compounded by repeated migraines and nicotine withdrawal!” He picked up the phone.
“Why hello there!” he said in friendly voice. “For the right price, I might be willing to part with J.D. Drew. Interested?”
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