In a shocking announcement yesterday, Red Sox co-GMs Ben Cherington and Jed Hoyer said that if it came to it, they were quite comfortable beginning the season with no one playing shortstop for the Sox. Hoyer and Cherington made the announcement together, speaking simultaneously in a show of unity.
“Everybody is so worried about what we’re going to do at shortstop,” laughed a smug Cherington after making the announcement. “Sure, Alex Cora is a possibility, and we might even make a trade for a shortstop. But let me…us…state quite clearly that we are perfectly comfortable with no one playing shortstop. Hoyer then explained that the team had reams of statistical evidence to back up its claim that a shortstop, while a convenience, is certainly not a necessity. “You could well argue that we played without a shortstop last year and still won 95 games,” argued Hoyer, referring to the calcified Edgar Renteria and his 30 errors. “For crying out loud, we paid another team $11 million to take our shortstop away, so I think that was a pretty strong statement that we believe we can make it without a shortstop. Who knows? Maybe we’ll play with four outfielders instead.”
When it was pointed out that the team also does not currently have a centerfielder—hence only two outfielders—Cherington and Hoyer, nodding at the same time, acknowledged that that could be a problem. “Statistical data does indicate that you need a centerfielder or you’re going to have a hell of a lot of inside-the-park homeruns on routine singles up the middle,” the GMs explained. “So we’ll have to take care of that.” Hoyer could then be seen writing on a notepad: “Get a centerfielder!”
Still, the GMs are convinced that the need to have some positions filled are vastly overrated. “Look, we had no GM for more than a month, and now we’re using this ridiculous co-GM scenario,” they whimsically noted. “And everything’s going just fine! Isn’t it?”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com
01/11/2006
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