With Palmeiro Caught, Giambi Eases Up on Rejuvenated Steroid Use

Ask the Yankees to explain “former” steroid abuser Jason Giambi’s recent power surge—during which he transformed himself from a Barney Fife-looking sub-.200 hitter with no power, to a Hulk-like (complete with the green skin) power machine with 14 homeruns in July—and they are uncomfortably vague.  “Jason has worked with a nutritionist to really revamp his diet,” says a pale, sweating Joe Torre.  “He’s been hitting the weight room big time,” says a nervously twitching Brian Cashman, kicking away used syringes while walking past Giambi’s locker.  “He’s on a new vitamin program that has worked wonders,” says a calm, straight-faced George Steinbrenner
           “Of course I’m back on the juice!” a brazen Giambi says.  “I mean, you’d have to be a complete idiot not to know that.  I can’t hit a baseball off a tee without the ‘roids, dude.  I’ll say this though, I’m being pret-ty doggone careful after seeing what happened to Rafael (Palmeiro).  I’ve already had one press conference where I cried like a three-year-old and made a fool of myself.  I’m not going through that again.”  Since easing up on his steroid use, Giambi is more himself, hitting just two homeruns in August and hitting .205.
           That he is willing to so openly admit his recent steroid use is somewhat remarkable, given that being caught would be another devastating blemish on his already tarnished-beyond-repair career.  “It’s the Rennerbniets, dude,” Giambi says referring to a revolutionary new masking agent that he is using to hide his steroid use.  “The stuff is unbelievable.  I’ll never get caught—I’ve already been tested twice!” 
           A Call of the Green Monster investigative team has learned that the masking agent Rennerbniets can be traced to a Tampa-based chemical company owned by none other than George Steinbrenner.  Thinking he was outsmarting everyone, while maintaining his incredible ego, he chose a name that is simply Steinbrenner spelled backward.  When confronted with the revelation, Steinbrenner remained steadfast.  “It’s the vitamins, I’m telling you,” he said, walking away briskly.  “Amazing stuff, those vitamins!”

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