For Kevin Millar, change is constant. We have seen the shaven head; we’ve seen the long flowing blond locks. We’ve seen those blond locks transformed to other colors; we’ve seen the strange braids. We’ve seen various mustaches, beards, goatees, and sideburns. But the one thing we haven’t seen this year is Millar’s fifth homerun.
“I’m workin’ on it, man, believe me,” said a laughing Millar, as he combed a strange green mixture into his hair while shaving yet another formation into his beard. “I think this is gonna do it, dude,” he continued, referring to his newest look.
Some players are known for slow starts before eventually heating up, but with Millar the heating up process last year took four months. It has yet to fully happen this year. Johnny Damon, Doug Mirabelli, Edgar Renteria, and Mark Bellhorn all have the same or more homers than Millar, who last homered on June 4. Alex Cora is nipping at his heels. Millar continues to be the most prolific hitter of long foul balls to left field in Red Sox history. “We’ve brought in several style consultants to see what will help Kevin snap out of this funk,” said a flustered Theo Epstein. “We thought bringing in the Queer Eye guys at the beginning of the year would get him off to a fast start, but evidently that didn’t work. He’s also played around a bit with adjusting the length of his socks, so we’re hoping there might be some promise there as well.”
Ever the team clown, Millar doesn’t seem too worried. As he mixed some Wasabi sauce into Manny Ramirez’s mouthwash, he said reflectively, “Everyone knows that finding the right look will turn me around, dude.” Meanwhile, Terry Francona shook his head while watching Millar. “You can tell by looking at my head that I don’t put a lot of stock in the connection between hair styles and hitting success,” he said disgustedly. Then, referring to a rumored trade with the Twins, he added, “Maybe Kevin will find just the right barber in Minnesota.”
07/29/2005
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