In the days since his recent wedding, Johnny Damon has privately expressed his extreme disappointment at the poor quality of gifts he received from Red Sox players and executives. “I mean, my wife and I put together a nearly one-week event that was probably one of the most special times in these people’s lives,” said a disheartened Damon, shaking his head. “And all I can say is that the gifts I got were just pathetic. Like yard sale castoffs; I’ve never seen anything so cheap.”
The wedding extravaganza was held at the luxurious Orlando Ritz-Carlton Grande Lakes, where Damon and guests played golf, went fishing, played softball, had spa treatments, and were treated to first-class accommodations. “So after the wedding, I open my first gift, and it’s from John Henry,” Damon said disgustedly, “and it’s a gift certificate for the Red Sox souvenir shop! What do I need Red Sox souvenirs for? I’ve got a house full of them! Varitek—I mean the guy just signed a $40 million contract—gives my wife and me matching slippers that I wouldn’t even let my dog wear. Then Bronson Arroyo gives me a CD from his crummy band—like I’ll ever listen to that. David Ortiz gives me all this Dominican music that drives me crazy every time he plays it in the clubhouse. Get this: Mientkiewicz gives me a framed photograph of the ball from the final out of the World Series. How about giving me the real ball, dude? And, of course, Millar was drunk all week so he forgot to give me anything.”
Although disappointed with the gifts, Damon claims to have no hard feelings toward his teammates. “I was expecting to get new cars, boats, jewelry—good stuff,” he says sadly. “But once Spring Training comes around, we’ll be fine. Although I do have bone to pick with Manny Ramirez. When he got married a few years ago I gave him this beautiful, expensive, sterling silver tea set. What does he give me? The exact same set—and he’d been using it all that time! He gives me my own gift—used! I mean, you can’t get any lower that that.”
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