Call of the Green Monster

Pope's Shocking Message to Yankees: "No Forgiveness for You!"

It has truly been a historic visit to America for Pope Benedict, punctuated by a mass said in Yankee Stadium--a true display of his willingness to suffer for others--on Sunday.  Benedict has used his visit to the U.S. to address the horrible abuse scandals of the church, to spread fellowship with other faiths, and most of all, to preach a heartwarming message of forgiveness.  But in front of 50,000 New Yorkers at the mass, many wondering why no beer was being served and why there was a surprisingly low number of fistfights in the crowd, Benedict offered a startling message.
           “The Yankees organization has almost single-handedly ruined the great game of baseball,” he ranted, “from the outrageous actions of George Steinbrenner and now his shameful son Hank, to this team's rampant use of performance-enhancing drugs that assuredly has fueled many of their championships. So my message to the New York Yankees is very direct: no forgiveness for you!  You can go say 3 million Hail Mary’s for all I care, but it would simply be unconscionable of me to offer forgiveness to the likes of you.”
           When asked afterward if the Pope was being too harsh, and that forgiveness is a virtue and a quality that should always be within the reach of those willing to change.
           “These monsters have no intention of changing!” the testy Pope roared.  “If Steinbrenner wanted to change he wouldn’t have put that monster Hank Steinbrenner in charge.  My goodness, that man is evil personified--he scares me.  Besides, you forget that I have good sources,” he said, looking toward the sky.  “I know what this organization has done for years.  They’re lucky I don’t send a 40-day flood to wash them all away.  No, there will be no forgiveness for the Yankees.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Jerry Remy Plans to Do All Commentary From His Living Room This Season

He has become a broadcasting legend; a man with legions of fans who have sworn allegiance to him and would die for him at a moment's notice.  Take a plain white tee-shirt and put on the name RemDawg, and you can sell it for thirty dollars on any street corner in Boston.  Jerry Remy can do no wrong in Boston—and he knows it.  And now Remy plans to start a new policy that will challenge the folks at NESN to see just how much of Remy’s diva-like qualities they can take.
           “From now on, I’m not actually going to be going to any games this year,” Remy from his living room in Weston, a room he seldom leaves.  “What the hell for?  Why do I have to fight traffic, take that long walk to the booth, and sit next to that obnoxious slob Don Orsillo every night?  Can anybody tell me what I can accomplish sitting in some grimy broadcast booth--where I can't smoke my three packs a night, by the way--that I can’t do watching the game right here in my living room?  Same thing—no Orsillo.  And I don’t need any producers giving me directions.  For crying out loud, you watch a play, and you tell all the imbeciles watching the game what just happened.  They think you’re giving them some great insight, and everyone’s happy.”
           Larry Lucchino is reportedly delighted with the idea.  “We’ll save all his travel costs—Jerry rings up quite a budget ordering those chicken nuggets from room service every day—and we’ll have a cardboard cut-out in the booth so the fans will never know the difference.  The RemDawg is really thinking outside the broadcast-box,” he said, cackling wildly at his own joke.  “I love it!”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Some Players Feel Beckett Used Excessive Force in Killing Clubhouse Cockroach

For some Red Sox players, it was a frightening incident.  Josh Beckett, known for his mercurial temper, returned to the locker room after a workout the other day, only to find a cockroach crawling across his sandwich.  In killing the insect, many felt he used excessive force.
           “Some felt he could have just knocked it to the floor and stepped on it,” said a clubhouse worker, who said clubhouse cockroaches can range anywhere from two inches to three feet in size.  “This was one of the smaller ones.”
           Instead, Beckett repeatedly pounded his fist into the creature, breaking through part of the wall, while screaming, “Don’t…ever…touch…my…food!”  Although the cockroach was clearly dead after the first strike, it was estimated Beckett threw 70 punches in all.  He had reportedly taken out a fire torch, but was restrained by teammates.
           But he wasn’t done.  Beckett then took the mangled cockroach corpse and got a hammer and nailed it to the wall.  He then posted a message, warning other cockroaches that the same fate could happen to them.  Some cockroaches did gather around their mangled comrade in a moment of solidarity and mourning, before an enraged Beckett attacked them.  The cockroaches were able to quickly scurry to safety.
           “Yeah, he went too far,” said Dustin Pedroia.  “But that’s Josh.  That same fire won us four post-season games last year.  And lemme tell you, the things he does to rats?  I...I...just wouldn’t feel comfortable telling you.”
           Terry Francona said he planned to speak to Josh about the incident.  “We all hate cockroaches,” he said, “but while I understand Josh was mad, I think he went a too far with the l’il fella.  We sprayed his locker and put some traps in there, so we’re going to try to prevent this from happening again.  Beckett, however, was still steamed."
          “They better stay away from my locker,” he threateningly fumed.  “You think that’s the worst thing I can do to a cockroach?”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Sox Young Players Have Some Confused Notions on What Exactly Buckner Did "Wrong"

It was a touching ceremony at Fenway Park to say the least.  Bill Buckner, who for generations of morons and those who know little about baseball was the supposed “goat” of the 1986 World Series, was welcomed to Fenway and was warmly greeted by fans.  Buckner’s unfortunate legacy has mostly been crafted by "journalists" who scurry around in dark places and feed of the refuse of the weak—e.g. Dan Shaughnessy—but for the young Red Sox players today, who wisely avoid the Shaughnessy’s of the world, there was much confusion as to what Buckner was actually being forgiven for.
           “He’s the dude who gave out all that bad information about weapons of masked destruction that sent us to war in Iraq,” Jonathan Papelbon commented, as some teammates nodded.  “It's an emotional moment, dude, but I'm willing to forgive him. But man, think of how many people have died because of this guy.”
           “You got it wrong, dude,” said Dustin Pedroia.  “Years ago when the Red Sox had the chance to sign Jackie Robinson, this was the guy who refused to do it.  Screwed the organization for years.  They’re finally saying all is forgiven.”
           “No wait!” said Jacoby Ellsbury.  “He was that governor with all the prostitutes, man.  I tell you what, I can forgive him.  That one on all the newspapers was a babe, dude.”
           Finally, a jovial Curt Schilling came over to the confused youngsters and said.  “No, you got it all wrong,” he said.  “This guy just slit Shaughnessy’s tires before the game and then fired a few water balloons at him.  Fans are just giving him some love for that.”
          The youngsters universally agreed that Schilling was right; that only the hatred for Shaughnessy could bring out such an emotional display of affection.  As Schilling sat back and watched, he said to himself, “If only it was true.  For all the knives CHB stuck in Buckner’s back over the years, that’d be some nice payback.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

ARod Plans to Sue Red Sox for Hawk Attack

The story of the hawk at Fenway Park attacking and injuring a young girl named Alexa Rodriguez sparked interest and sympathy in the news across the country.  The fact that the girl had a name so closely resembling Sox nemesis and prolific wimp Alex Rodriguez seemed little more than an amusing bit of irony to most sane people.
           But yesterday the Yankees regular season star (and postseason dog) announced that he planned to sue the Red Sox, somehow claiming that the hawk attack was planned for him and that he would not stand for it.  “Oh I know how those dastardly people in Boston work,” an emotional ARod while having a facial done after taking batting practice.  “They’ve been unspeakably mean to me for years.  Well, I’m fighting back…that is…not me myself, but my lawyers.”
           ARod's suit claims that the Red Sox trained the hawk to attack him, and that young Alexa was an innocent victim.  “They had devised some sort of cue, some attack phrase based on my name,” said ARod, tears smearing the foundational mascara from his facial.  “It was being primed for an attack--they just got their timing wrong. Thank God that kid had her face torn open.  Could you imagine if that had happened to me?  The emotional stress of just thinking about it is enough to sue those monsters.”
           When Call of the Green Monster asked a local judge how long it would take ARod’s suit to be thrown out of court, he replied, “About two seconds.  But in the meantime some sleazeball lawyer will milk as much money as possible out of this, and Alex will give Sox fans just one more reason to get on his case.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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