While we've heard David Ortiz's recent whines about playing for the Red Sox, and reports that Chicken Man Jon Lester is miserable in Boston, Call of the Green Monster has learned that every player currently on the Red Sox roster, and the many on the disabled list, are unhappy as well. Indeed, it appears to be an epidemic.
"It's like a team full of Eeyore's," said a source close to the team. "You walk into the clubhouse and it's like a wake. Guys crying, gnashing their teeth, crying out in misery. Despair is rampant. Nobody wants to be here. There's a 24 hour suicide watch on every guy on the team."
A smiling Bobby Valentine expressed shock at the report. "Really, people unhappy?" he said, teeth gleaming in the sun. "I know I'm happy, couldn't be better. I biked 100 miles this morning, wrote an opera, cooked a gourmet lunch for my wife, and assisted a local surgeon on a particularly difficult heart procedure. Life is great!"
John Henry took the news in stride. "Statistically, you don't need to be happy to play good baseball," he explained. "Look at all those championship Yankees teams under Steinbrenner and Billy Martin. You think those guys were happy? The brought misery to new levels. The problem here is, everyone's miserable and we suck. If we start winning, those cries of agony won't mean a thing."