In a scheduling snafu that led several in the Red Sox front office red-faced and humiliated, the team today announced that Opening Day at Fenway Park is canceled due to the park being double-booked. Management hastily put together a press conference to explain.
"We have a new software program that schedules our events, and the damn thing has a lot of bugs," said Larry Lucchino sheepishly. "When we got the notification that we had two scheduled events for the same day, we were devastated. But I can assure you that the other event is of vital importance and could not be canceled. Hell, we can play baseball anytime we want and still get people to pay."
The announcement led many to question what could possibly take precedence over the Red Sox game. A Call of the Green Monster investigation revealed that the event in question is the birthday party of 10-year-old Danny "Bubbles" Bubzinsky, a lifelong Red Sox fan. "My friends and I are so psyched," an enthusiastic Bubbles said. "We're going to have a moon walk on the field, a humoungous trampoline, and enough candy to make us all sick. No girls allowed. It's gonna be cool."
When pressed, Lucchino conceded that it was a difficult decision. "For one thing, we didn't want to let little Bubbles down on his birthday," he said compassionately. "For another, what his parents are paying us is triple the gate we'd get for Opening Day. With all these bad contracts Theo left us with, there's no way we're turning down that kind of cash."
Lucchino closed by saying there were tickets available for fans wanting to attend Bubbles' birthday party. "But you probably can't afford them," he noted sadly.