Call of the Green Monster

Valentine Instructs Players to Compose List of 100 Reasons Why They Failed Last Season

As Spring Training comes to a close, new manager Bobby Valentine is working hard to instill a spirit of change in the Red Sox culture. Yesterday, he gathered the team in the clubhouse and handed out a pencil and a notebook to each play, and asked them to compose a list of 100 reasons why they personally failed last season.

"I look at this as a positive, you might even say inspirational exercise," Bobby V said, white teeth gleaming as he smiled.  "For most of you, getting to 100 will be easy.  If you need any suggestions, I've got them."

Player response was less than enthusiastic.  "A real morale builder," said a somber Daniel Bard, who was stuck on reason one, "I sucked."  "It's like asking us to relive being tortured."  Josh Beckett, meanwhile, bristled at the task.  "I can give you 100 reasons why everybody else on the team failed.  And I can certainly tell you why this clown Valentine will fail. But me? Hell, I just pitched a few bad games down the stretch. And it's not that I failed, man.  I was drunk and fat. There's a difference."

Valentine smiled broadly as he collected the papers.  "Tomorrow's exercise will be listing my 100 best qualities!" he said enthusiastically.

"It's gonna be a long ass season," muttered Dustin Pedroia.

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To Trade Lackey, Sox Offer to Pay $60 Million of Remaining $45 million on Contract

He may well be the worst free agent signing in Red Sox history, though Carl Crawford may yet prevail in that contest. Yesterday he again endeared himself to Red Sox Nation by humbly and contritely referring to the chicken and beer allegations of last fall as "retarded." And so, despite his recent arm surgery that will have him out for the year, the Red Sox would still love desperately to unload Lackey. In a recent proposed trade the Sox took extreme measures to expedite the deal.

"I am not at liberty to discuss that," said Ben Cherington, when first asked about trading Lackey. When Call of the Green Monster threatened to reveal an embarrassing childhood incident involving pink underwear, he immediately spoke up.  "Okay, yes we are trying. We offered to trade him to the Royals, and yes, we could pay $60 million of the remaining $45 million on his contract."

It would seem to be the perfect deal for the cash-strapped Royals.  Their reply? "They told me it wasn't enough," said an exasperated Cherington. "They wanted another $15 million." 

Cherington explained that teams look at the big picture when considering adding Lackey to the mix.  "It's not only that he's been such an awful pitcher for us," Cherington explained.  "You also talking about a guy who quite possibly could be the biggest pain in the ass in the history of the game."

Will the Red Sox chip in the extra money to meet the Royals' demands?  "It's looking awfully good, I'll tell you that," said Cherington.

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Valentine to Use Papi at First "Strictly for Entertainment Purposes"

Red Sox fans have watched in agony during the times when the team resorts to putting David Ortiz at first base. Always a defensive liability to begin with, years of strictly playing DH have erased whatever marginal skills Papi possessed with the glove.  So it has been a bit of a surprise to see Bobby Valentine giving Ortiz some time at first base during Spring Training.  Could he really be thinking of using Big Papi more regularly in the field?  

"Are you kidding me?" said Valentine, laughing hysterically. "No, no, and no.  I put him out there strictly for entertainment.  You gotta admit it's pretty hysterical watching that guy try to field a ground ball. You could stick a glove on a llama and it could do a better job. And when he has to try to go sideways, I'm telling you, it's the funniest thing you've ever seen. The guys get a kick out of it too.  Sometimes we make a big bowl of popcorn and sit around the clubhouse watching him on video.  It's a bonding moment."

Ben Cherington has mixed feelings about the situation. "I know Bobby is just trying to loosen the team up, and, I will admit, watching the guy try to field is classic comedy," Cherington notes. "By the same token, he's a human being. Asking him to play first base, at least while people are watching, seems like a cruel form of entertainment."

Valentine scoffs at Cherington's words.  "We're overpaying the guy by eight million dollars, for crying out loud," he said. "Who cares if we humiliate him a little. Who wouldn't put on a glove and make a fool out of himself for eight million bucks?"

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Girardi and Valentine Agree to Settle Season Series with Winner-Take-All Fistfight

After managers Bobby Valentine and Joe Girardi exchanged some harsh comments through the media after a Spring Training game yesterday, some fans felt this would only add to the intensity of the Red Sox-Yankees season series.  But when the two men finally got together last night over beers, they later had a shocking proposal that involved cancelling all regular season games between the two teams.

"Joe and I decided that the only way to get real closure is for he and I to have a fistfight," Valentine announced. "No gloves, just the two of us exchanging blows until either one submits or is so drenched in blood that he can't properly communicate. The other alternative would of course be death."

Girardi hinted that he had a little boxing experience, which only led Valentine to have to one-up him. "My family actually invented the Valentinium method of self-defense," he explained, while demonstrating some awkward moves. "It's been in my family for generations. It's the only self-defense system where you literally can't lose. Back in the 1600's one of my ancestors killed a leopard with his bare hands using Valentinium. After that, no animal dared to come near him. Anyway, I heard Joe slaps like ARod."

Girardi was pragmatic in explaining the reasoning for the fight. "Look, this guy is a colossal horse's ass and always has been," he said. "He'll annoy the hell out of you little by little until you just want to hit the guy. This way, I fight him once, and I don't have to listen to him for the rest of the year.  It's worth the risk."

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Report: Yankees Also Involved in Brutal Bounty System

The story sent shockwaves throughout the NFL. Reports revealed that the New Orleans Saints had for years had a program on its team whereby players could earn extra "bounty" money by intentionally injuring opposing players. The story had the league reeling, and yesterday heavy sanctions were handed out. But Call of the Green Monster has learned today that the New York Yankees have for years engaged in their own bounty program, albeit with a bizarre twist. 

"Our program was a little different," said Hank Steinbrenner, who agreed to speak as a paid anonymous source. "The goal in our program was to see who could cause the greatest injury to ARod. Pitchers would drill him in batting practice, infielders would fire the ball at his ankles, guys would take practice swings and whack him in the head. Not pleasant stuff, mind you, but a million laughs. Hell, I once got $10,000 for pushing him down a flight of stairs."

Former Yankees leftfielder Johnny Damon looks back on the program as the highlight of his Yankee experience. "Um, it was like, so cool, dude," he said. "I mean, I can't throw the ball hard enough to hurt a mosquito, but I offered $5000 to the fan who could cause the most damage with a battery. I had so many laughs watching him dance around between pitches as those batteries came flying out of the stands!"

When pressed on why the Yankees would engage in the process of trying to maim their own superstar, potentially hurting the team, Steinbrenner shrugged.  "It was a bonding experience for the rest of team," he explained. "The guy just annoys the hell out of everyone. We found solidarity in his pain, and had a hell of a lotta fun in the process."

 

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Valentine: Beckett More of an Idiot Than I Anticipated

When he was named manager of the Boston Red Sox, Bobby Valentine spent his first few weeks on the job learning all he could about his players.  "For instance, I learned Youk is the most intense guy on the field, sometimes too intense for his own good," the skipper explained.  "I learned Pedey has a phenomenal work ethic and is a great clubhouse guy.  Ellsbury, quiet, but a consummate professional. Beckett, I learned, is an idiot."

But initial impressions can be deceiving, so when Valentine was asked recently if he now has a different impression of any of his players, he immediately singled out Josh Beckett. "First time I talked with him, when I finally hung up, the first word that popped into my head was 'idiot,'" he said. "While that initial impression was true, I must honestly, and humbly, say that I misgauged exactly how much of an idiot he is. And, let me tell you, he's a Hall of Fame idiot, an epic idiot, one of the biggest to ever put on a uniform."

Valentine is quick to point out that Beckett is not necessarily stupid, "though there's that too". 

"I mean, certainly he's somewhat of a nitwit, but stupid isn't what I really mean," Valentine explained. "He's just stubborn in a dumb kind of way, mean to his teammates, but also mean to the bat boys and fans.  Hell, I heard he was even mean to Heidi Watney!  Heidi Watney! Isn't that some time of crime against nature?  And, biggest example of all, he keeps putting his foot deeper and deeper into his mouth about last year's collapse. Just say you're sorry and move on, why prolong the misery? What could possibly be the point?"

Asked to offer a reason, Valentine shrugged.  "He's an idiot."

Report: ARod Dating Brian Cashman's Stalker

Brian Cashman spent his offseason as tabloid fodder when it was revealed that a woman with whom he had carried on an eight month affair had taken to threatening him and making attempts to extort money. It was later revealed that the woman, Louise Meanwell, had a long history of disturbing behavior that includes arrests for harassment and stalking.  It soon became clear that although Cashman, as Red Sox fans know, is disturbed, Meanwell was clearly deeply disturbed and in fact quite dangerous.

So, when Alex Rodriguez, who recently was dumped by Zsa Zsa Gabor, sauntered into the Yankees' Spring Training facility yesterday arm in arm with Meanwell, eyes were raised.  Cashman, upon seeing Meanwell, immediately ran to hide in a trash can in a nearby men's room. Meanwell, wearing ARod's Yankees shirt and a sparkling security monitoring bracelet on her ankle, said that she and ARod are very much in love, and that they often send each other thousands of texts a day.

"It's wonderful, I've never been so in love," an ecstatic ARod exclaimed.  "She literally has thousands of pictures of me taped to the walls of her apartment, even more than I have in my apartment. She vows that she will love me through all eternity.  There was even an altar where she said she sacrifices animals in my name every night, which, by the way, I wish my fans would do. She calls me every ten minutes, and asked me to marry her five minutes after we were introduced!"

Asked if marriage was in the future for the happy couple, he scoffed. "No, we're just having our little fun, " said the third basemen, who has also recently been linked romantically to Joan Rivers. "I'll have my fun with Louise for a while and then I'll dump her now that I have Joanie waiting in the wings."

Brian Cashman, peeking out from under the trash can, wore a sinister smile. "No, he won't dump her," he laughed, malevolently. "She won't let him.  But that's Alex's problem now.  I'm so glad I introduced them!"

 

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Overpaid by $8 million, Papi Vows to be Content

During his tenure with the Boston Red Sox, David Ortiz has been known for his superior hitting, incredible ability in the clutch...and his incessant whining. But after recently signing a one year deal for over $14 million, Big Papi promised there would be no complaining this year.

"I feel like the luckiest man alive, I must tell you," said a jubilant Big Papi.  "A good DH in this league might get $5 million.  Maybe, if he's lucky, he gets 6. But because I am Big Papi, and everybody love me, they give me $14 million plus!  I tell you, what a country!  The Red Sox are trading away players to save money, then they go and blow $8 million on me.  You gotta love that, man."

And to show his gratitude, Big Papi will remain loyal to the organization.  "No more whining, man, no way," he said emphatically.  "This organization been so good to me, I will not complain." He paused for a moment, thoughtfully. "Well, maybe around July, if I'm hitting well, I might make a hint that offering me a three year deal would be nice. Don't I deserve that?  Hell, man, I might even do more than hint.  I'm Big Papi, man. I deserve to be paid, even if I don't deserve what I'm paid!"

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Vicente Padilla Poised to Become Next Great Red Sox Psychopath

There is a proud tradition of psychopathic behavior in Red Sox history. Oil Can Boyd pitched high on cocaine, screamed at opposing players, and once tore off his uniform in protest of not being named an all-star. Julian Tavarez once broke his hand punching a phone in the dugout, started numerous fights, and once asked reporters if killing someone during a game would actually be a crime. And then, of course, there is Carl Everett, the psychopath against whom all other great psychopaths are measured.

And now, Vicente Padilla stands poised to carry on this great tradition. A man who appears to amuse himself on the mound by throwing at other players and goading them into fights, Padilla feels ready to assume the responsibility of extreme mental instability that Red Sox fans have some to expect.

"I am humbled by this honor," said an emotional Padilla. "Even to be mentioned in the same sentence with men like Boyd, Tavarez, and Everett is such as honor, though I would happily kill any of them if they get in my way."

He's been called a clubhouse cancer, has been dismissed from more than one team for behavioral issues, and has had multiple fights and suspensions.  "Sounds like our kind of guy," said an enthusiastic Ben Cherington. "You're seeing an important part of Red Sox history.  Enjoy it while it lasts."

 

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Sox: Papelbon Probably Not Qualified to Comment on Intelligence of Others

Red Sox Nation reacted with a collective yawn upon hearing the recent comments of former closer Jonathan Papelbon. Essentially, Papelbon said that Philadelphia fans are more knowledgable and have a greater understanding of the game. Red Sox fans, of course, know that Papelbon often waged a losing battle with mental stability. Larry Lucchino seemed amused by the comments.

"Without sounding cruel, I'm not sure that Pap is the guy who should be making assessments of the intelligence of any fellow human being," he said. "Pap is kind of a unique person. Helluva closer, no question, but I'd quite honestly be hard pressed to think of anything else he can do in life other than throw a baseball 96 miles an hour. Even basic human functions are a mystery to him. On the routine IQ tests we give players, his scores were...disturbing. HIstorically, chimpanzees have scored higher on the test than Pap. I don't think he even understands the rules of baseball, and that's how he makes a living."

Retired catcher Jason Varitek thinks Pap's unusually low intelligence may have helped his pitching. "With closers, they have to be fearless, throw strikes, and not think too much," he explained. "Pap was a master of the last one. We never, ever, had to worry about him thinking too much. Ever."

 

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Eerie Silence Falls Over Spring Training Workout as Forbidden Word, "Chicken", is Uttered

 

Call of the Green Monster has learned that as the Red Sox players gathered for Spring Training, a team meeting was called to deal with the fiasco of the final month of last season. Much was discussed, and many resolutions were reached, with one law taking precedent over all: Absolutely no mention, under any circumstances, of the word "chicken."

But yesterday, during an intensive workout put in place by the demanding Bobby Valentine, some of the players grumbled as fatigue set in.  When they were ordered to finish their workout with a challenging obstacle course, a couple of players said they couldn't do it.  "Oh come on," said the jeering Valentine. "What are you, chicken?"

The eeriest of silences fell over the field. One by one the players cast dark glances at Valentine. Valentine knew he was guilty of breaking the sacred oath.  He nodded to the players, ready to accept his punishment with dignity.

Later, after receiving a mass wedgie, Valentine spoke to the team while hanging by his shredded undershorts from a flagpole.  "Let my fate be a lesson to all of you," he said, while straining from the pressure of the tattered undershorts digging into his skin. "Please guys, remember: Don't say chi...that word!"

williamdmahoney@yahoo.com

 

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Rush Limbaugh Now Calls Sox Ownership "Sluts" and "Prostitutes"

Apparently undaunted by the countless sponsors who are dropping their advertising accounts from his show based on his ugly, misogynist comments directed at a female Georgetown law student, radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh is now extending his hate talk to the ownership of the Boston Red Sox.

"Since I'm taking enough heat already, I might as well dig an even deeper hole," he said yesterday on his show. "Let me say that my comments were not directed solely at Ms. Fluke. I have for quite some time, dittoheads, felt the same way about the ownership of the Boston Red Sox. Pink hats, a decaying stadium, outrageous concessions, overpriced tickets...why should we be expected to pay for that?  What would you call someone who expects us to pay for this?  You'd call them sluts, my friends.  You'd call them prostitutes."

Larry Lucchino raised his eyebrows in veiled surprise when apprised of the comments. "And what," he asked, "would you call an oversized, pompous windbag buffoon who goes on the radio and says he would like to see videotapes of this young woman having sex? You'd call them a pervert. You'd call them sick."

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Suspicions Raised as Firm Valentine Handshake Re-Injures Crawford's Wrist

After a disastrous first season with the Boston Red Sox, outfielder Carl Crawford was eager to get this season off to a great start, and wash away memories from last year. But then came news this winter that Crawford was undergoing wrist surgery that would probably land him on the disabled list at the start of the season. Still, Crawford went through intense rehab, and insisted his goal was to be ready for Opening Day.

But then news reports from Fort Myers last week revealed that Crawford had suffered a setback, apparently, Call of the Green Monster has learned, from a vigorous handshake from manager Bobby Valentine. "Dude comes up to me and says, 'Carl, put it there.'  Then he extends his left hand! He's the manager, so I shook it, and he damn near pulls my wrist off.'"

Though Valentine claimed it was simple absent-mindedness, suspicions were immediately raised that perhaps Valentine, bothered by the hideous videotapes of Crawford from last season, didn't want Crawford around on Opening Day. "Couldn't be further from the truth," said Valentine, on his way to taking Cody Ross out to a steak dinner. "I have complete confidence in Carl. He couldn't possibly be as bad as he was last season. Who could?"

When pressed by COTGM as to why he shook Crawford's left hand, Valentine hesitated.  "It's...uh...a tradition I learned when I managed in Japan," he explained.  "It's called tsukune: You shake the left hand of your left fielder." However, an internet search revealed that tsukune is actually a Japanese chicken sausage, and that the tradition of which Valentine spoke did not exist.

Yesterday, to the horror of Red Sox trainers, Crawford was seen out in the field doing one-arm pushups with his left hand.  "Bobby told me I should be doing 500 a day," said a confused Crawford. "This guy is trying to help me, right?"

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Mike Aviles Wonders if He's the Mike Aviles the Sox Expect to be an Everyday Shortstop

Trading away the team's only viable everyday shortstop, Marco Scutaro, was shocking enough.  But when the Red Sox team management expressed their confidence in Mike Aviles as the team's everyday shortstop, people were surprised to say the least.  Especially Mike Aviles.

"Did they acquire another Mike Aviles?" the stunned utility player asked. "I know there's more than one Mike Aviles living in this country.  I can't possibly be the Mike Aviles they expect to be an everyday shortstop. They sent me to play Winter Ball to be an outfielder, for crying outloud."

Ben Cherington, while confirming that Mike Aviles is the Mike Aviles they are referring to, said that the team stands behind the decision to have Aviles play outfield in Winter Ball.  "Statistics show that playing outfield is an excellent preparation for playing everyday shortstop," he noted.  Wouldn't actually playing shortstop be better preparation? "Sorry. The data doesn't confirm that."

Aviles, meanwhile, continues to scour websites of other teams, looking for the mystery Mike Aviles the team acquired. "I can't wait to meet this Mike Aviles. He's gotta be a better option at shortstop than me."

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