Call of the Green Monster

Players Uncover Loopholes to Valentine's No Alcohol Policy

One of the enduring stories of last season's Red Sox collapse was of the rampant drinking in the clubhouse.  So it came as no surprise when one of Bobby Valentine's first moves as Red Sox manager was to announce that alcohol would be prohibited in the clubhouse and on flights returning to Boston. While some players supported the move, others grumbled.  But evidently some of the malcontents have found loopholes to Valentine's rule.

"The ban is on alcohol in the clubhouse, which to me means that it's okay to drink beer on the bench, as long as you don't bring it through the clubhouse," explained Josh Beckett, speaking on the condition of anonymity.  "Now, I'll just have one of the vendors bring me down some suds, or maybe have the groundskeepers slip me a six pack, and I can still get toasted during the game. Hell, I might even sit in the bleachers with all the other drunks."

As for the plane rule, Jon Lester got to work on that. "Couple of things there give me hope," he noted. "One, we can still get hammered on other team flights, just not the ones back to Boston. Second, even on flights returning to Boston, nothing says you can't chug down several beers at the airport bar before getting on the plane. Maybe even slip a few nips on the plane!  You know what?  I think we're gonna be okay!"

When apprised of the loopholes, Valentine vowed to close them. But, rolling his eyes, he added, "I can't tell you how encouraging it is to hear my pitchers are spending more time working around my no alcohol policy than they are on their pitching..."

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Hail the Captain

In tribute to retiring captain Jason Varitek, I post a blast from the past.  

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Manny: Annual Death of Mother Led to Steroid Abuse

It was an alarming phenomenon during his years with the Boston Red Sox.  Slugger Manny Ramirez would regularly cause a team crisis by missing flights, workouts, and games.  The reasons for his various absences were often the same: the tragic death of his mother (although, to be fair, his grandmother met her untimely death a few times as well). Reporters were known to send condolence notes to the mother, only to receive a thank you note.

And now, as Ramirez tries to save his career by signing with the Oakland A's, he was questioned about his various suspensions from MLB due to testing positive for steroids. "Lemme tell you," Manny said at a press conference, "it was something I never wanted to do man, but sometimes things in life get in the way.  My mother's death, that was heavy, dude, every time.  I was in so much grief, year after year, that I needed the steroids to keep me going." Ramirez also revealed this tidbit: "Because I fear needles, especially in a place where I'm gonna be sitting down, I put the steroids in a protein shake or sprinkled it in my Wheaties. I think somehow it gets into your muscles faster that way."

Believing that the trauma of his mother's deaths is behind him now, Ramirez is starting his comeback with a renewed commitment to his faith in God. "I'm hoping that by praying a lot, my mother won't be dying so much."

Just then, word came that the A's would spend the morning doing a ten-mile conditioning run. "Oh man," said a nervous Ramirez. "I can tell momma's feeling sick already."

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Consoling Crawford, Henry Announces There are Many Players He Doesn't Want on the Team

It was a big story of the offseason when owner John Henry said in an interview that he was opposed to the signing of Carl Crawford.  While Henry has since said that he ultimately blessed the deal, Crawford still felt the sting of the words.  But in a recent interview with COTGM, Henry attempted to put his words in proper perspective.

"My dear, much too much is being made of all this," he said. "Yes, yes, I didn't want Carl here, but there are others who fall into that catagory as well.  You think I want Lackey here?  Why the hell did we ever sign that stiff?  His voice alone should have scared us away. Bobby Jenks...hello?  J.D. Drew, Papi for $14 million, Beckett's bloated contract, the list goes on an on.  I could go through nearly any player on the team and give you a good reason why he shouldn't be here."

Player reaction to Henry's comments was luke warm.  "Wow, I feel incredibly motivated now," Dustin Pedroia.  Added a sarcastic Josh Beckett, "He loves me, he really loves me.  Makes me want to curl up with a six pack and a bucket o' chicken."

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Sox Increase Revenues by Offering Senior Citizens Rides to Florida on Equipment Truck

For the first time with this ownership, fans saw the Red Sox in penny pinching mode, as evidenced by their trade of Marco Scutaro and his $6 million salary this winter in order to free up money. But the latest Red Sox revenue-increasing move will likely bring a great financial windfall, as Call of the Green Monster has learned that the Sox sold senior citizens rides to Florida on their equipment truck.

"It's a money raiser, to be sure, but it's also a humanitarian gesture," said Larry Lucchino. "Some of these older folks are on very tight budgets, but for a mere $500 dollar fee, we pack them in with the rest of the equipment and ship them down to Florida. We also throw in a coupon for 50 cents off a $5 coke at a Spring Training game!""

While Lucchino seems giddy with delight, human rights activists are less amused. "Yes, this sounds like a good idea," said Leo Bright of the American Human Rights Coalition.  "Packing dozens of senior citizens into the back of a truck, with no lighting and no bathroom breaks.  And no water either."

"But that's the whole point," Lucchino countered when presented with the allegations. "We don't give them any water so they won't need a bathroom break.  And, heck, they get down there in less than a day. We do have schedules to keep you know. The ride's a little bumpy, and sometimes loose baseballs and bats start flying around, but we have them all wearing helmets. And what an adventure to tell their grandchildren about!"

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Wakefield Vows to Retire from Next Job by Age 100

He was baseball's grand old man, oldest current major league player, and one of the oldest ever to play the game. It is well known that Tim Wakefield would have gladly continued pitching year after year for the Sox, well into old age. But when the Red Sox finally decided to part ways with Old Man Wake, the crafty knuckleballer stepped down.  

"Now it is time to move on to my next career," a tearful Wakefield told Red Sox Nation.  "I don't know yet what that career will be, but I promise that I will not stay on that job until I reach an age where I have to put an organization through the agonizing process of having to force me out, creating a potential public relations nightmare that makes everyone involved excrusiatingly uncomfortable."  

Wakefield said he feels so strongly about this decision, that he is setting a pre-determined retirement date for his next job. "By the time I reach 100, it will be time for me to sit back and enjoy life, play with my great, great, grandchildren, and smell the roses."

When John Henry was asked if Wakefield might be hired by the Red Sox front office, he smiled malevolently. "Sure, why not, might help us in the short term. When he's 100,  I'll be dead, and it''l be up to someone else to try to convince the old goat to walk away.

Read an old COTGM post on Wakefield.

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