Call of the Green Monster

Ritualistic Murder and Cannibalism Common in Red Sox Dugout

It just goes from bad to worse for the Boston Red Sox, as Callo f the Green Monster last night broke the unfortunate news that ritualistic murder and cannibalism often took place, not only in the clubhouse, but often right in the plain view of the dugout. Police have begun to look into the matter, but last night Sox pitcher Josh Beckett came clean.

"Yeah, it happened, but I mean, c'mon," he said casually, while munching, we think, on some fried chicken. "You gotta blow off some steam, it's a long season.  It's not like it happened every night. Sometimes when I guy is about to get released from the team, it's easier take care of it this way than all the paperwork."

Jon Lester concurred. "It was more like a bonding thing, a coming together," he said.  "In retrospect was it wrong? Maybe.  But it's time to move on."

Larry Lucchino expressed shock at the news. "I wish they'd told me about it so I could have advised them on how to plausibly deny it," he said, shaking his head.  Of course, we all heard the screams coming from the dugout at times, and saw some gruesome remains. We just thought Pap was having a few friends over and they got out of hand. But I am proud to announce that effective immediately, cannibalism and ritualistic murder will have no place in the friendly family confines of Fenway Park."

Report: JD Drew had Alfalfa Sprouts, Brie, and Perrier During Games

The troubling offseason for the Boston Red Sox just got worse as confirmed sources have revealed to Call of the Green Monster that JD Drew knowingly and willfully consumed alfalfa sprouts and brie during games, and washed it down with Perrier.  When confronted with the news, Drew came clean this morning, and tearfully admitted to the practice.

"It's not like I did it every night," Drew said, dabbing his eyes with an embroidered handkerchief.  "It was like a once a month thing.  Some guys like suckin' down beer and greasy fried chicken, and this is how I roll."  Drew also admitted to playing the occasional video game, though he stressed he was only playing a Christian-based game that tested his knowledge of biblical passages.

"This is the most disturbing news of all," said an exasperated Larry Lucchino.  "We had a man's man, a true dirtdog in Trot Nixon, and we replaced him with the kind of guy who eats alfalfa sprouts and brie? No wonder we fell apart. Where's the Popeye's?"