It just goes from bad to worse for the Boston Red Sox, as Callo f the Green Monster last night broke the unfortunate news that ritualistic murder and cannibalism often took place, not only in the clubhouse, but often right in the plain view of the dugout. Police have begun to look into the matter, but last night Sox pitcher Josh Beckett came clean.
"Yeah, it happened, but I mean, c'mon," he said casually, while munching, we think, on some fried chicken. "You gotta blow off some steam, it's a long season. It's not like it happened every night. Sometimes when I guy is about to get released from the team, it's easier take care of it this way than all the paperwork."
Jon Lester concurred. "It was more like a bonding thing, a coming together," he said. "In retrospect was it wrong? Maybe. But it's time to move on."
Larry Lucchino expressed shock at the news. "I wish they'd told me about it so I could have advised them on how to plausibly deny it," he said, shaking his head. Of course, we all heard the screams coming from the dugout at times, and saw some gruesome remains. We just thought Pap was having a few friends over and they got out of hand. But I am proud to announce that effective immediately, cannibalism and ritualistic murder will have no place in the friendly family confines of Fenway Park."