Call of the Green Monster

With End of World Coming, Francona Adjusts Lineup

The news hit the clubhouse hard. Red Sox players seemed genuinely concerned when Terry Francona told them the dire news the according to Harold Camping, minister and founder of the Family Radio Worldwide, May 21st is Judgement Day, with the world coming to an end.

"I couldn't believe it, but it's true," said Jonathan Papelbon. "It's a drag too, man, 'cause I never got around to doing my laundry this week."

"My wife's birthday is Sunday," said an inconsolable Dustin Pedroia.  "It sucks when the world ends the day before your birthday.  No fair, man."

But a resolute Terry Francona insists that the team will play baseball until there's no more Fenway Park to play on.  "Since we don't know exactly the time of day the world is going to end, we gotta be prepared to play," he said.  "There's no way I'm going to face the end of the world while I'm losing a baseball game."

And so, he retired to his office to make out a lineup card.  "Gonzo, Pedey, Lowrie, and Youk are set," he explained.  "End of the world isn't going to break their concentration.  Tek over Salty, 'cause Salty seems a little bit spooked by this.  J.D. already asked out with a hammy, but we know he's just scared to death.  So the best apocalypse outfield we have is Craw, Ellsbury, and Darnell McDonald. I been meaning to get Darnell into a game, so it's best to do that before the world ends."

Lackey and Dice-K Surprised to Learn They Have Elbow Strains

As John Lackey walked into the Red Sox clubhouse earlier this week, he was surprised to see a post-it note taped to his locker.  The written message was simple: You have an elbow strain. 

Moments later, Dice-K Matsuzaka's translator was called to Terry Francona's office, where the pitcher was waiting.  "Tell him he's got an elbow strain," Tito said.  The translator then spoke to Dice-K for twenty minutes, before he turned to Francona and said, "He said okay."

"It's the darndest thing,"  said a baffled Lackey.  "I got a lot of issues in my life right now, but I didn't know a strained elbow was one of them.  It must be one of those strained elbows that feels like a totally healthy one."

Dice-K was equally mystified. "I flew home to Japan to get it checked out," he explained. "Nobody can see any problem.  They had me throw a 500 pitch bullpen.  I loved it!"

Meanwhile, Jonathan Papelbon was keeping his distance from the injured pitchers.  "This thing might be contagious, dude.  Keep 'em the hell away from me!"

Sox Publicize "Glorious Quest for .500"

In a season defined thus far by their own mediocrity, the Red Sox front office made the decision yesterday to highlight that mediocrity.  At a press conference, John Henry, Tom Werner, and Larry Lucchino unveiled banners marketing the team's "Glorious Quest for .500."

"As many of you know, Zen, karma, and inner-peace are vital parts of my life," John Henry explained to a baffled media contingent.  "That is why this season has been so special: win one, lose one, win two, lose three...on and on.  There's a wonderful balance to that, a karmic rhythm if you will. It brings a special tranquility that we all must celebrate."

Tom Werner attempted to put it in historical perspective.  "This is right up there with the Impossible Dream, Fisk hitting the foul pole, and the magical seasons of 2004 and 2007," he noted. "A team's heroic effort to...win half their games.  That's a story line everyone can get excited about."

Merchandise related to the Quest for .500, also known as the March to Mediocrity, and the Assent to Average, is available at Fenway Park and stores across New England.

Sox Woes Linked to Players' Obsession with Royal Wedding

An embarrassed Terry Francona met with reporters yesterday after the Sox humiliating 11-0 loss to the Angels.  When asked how the Sox continue to struggle in their modest goal of reaching .500, Francona said the team just needed more timely hitting and better pitching.  When pressed, he broke down.

"It's the royal wedding, guys," he said, fighting emotions. "Since the beginning of the season, it's just had a spell on this team a litle bit.  The anticipation, the glamour, the pageantry...and lemme tell ya, the princess, or whatever the hell they call her, she's a pretty hot babe, guys. Who can read scouting reports when you got that on your mind."

Kevin Youkilis admitted that it has definitely affected this concentration. "For weeks before I was planning to watch it," he said.  "We planned it like you wouldn't believe.  Pedey brought the cookies, Tek brought the teabags...and Beckett brought the tissues, because we all knew we'd be crying our eyes out. Oh, it was so special."

Theo Epstein said he was aware of the problem. "And it didn't stop after the wedding," he noted.  "These guys spending half the day searching the web looking at pictures. They check out all tabloid sites, looking for honeymoon details.  It's absurd! And Tito's the worst!"

John Henry, however, defended the team. "Oh, there are some things more important in life than baseball, you know," he stated.  "There's a baseball game almost every day...but how often do you get a royal wedding?"

Angels Call Red Sox "Our Daddy"

After losing their 941st consecutive regular season game to the Red Sox, fiery Angels manager Mike Scioscia walked mournfully into the locker room, tears misting in his eyes. "I don't want to see the Red Sox, I don't want to hear them, I don't want to smell them, I don't want them in my presence," he said forcefully.  "I want them to go away forever.  We can't beat them...ever.  Let me come out and say it: the Red Sox are our daddy."

Terry Francona sympathized with his fellow skipper. "I think Sciosc might be taking it too hard a little bit," Francona said. "That said, I wouldn't mind playing those guys every night. They find ways to lose games.  I'll tell ya, it's a helluva lotta fun beating those guys."

Team psychopath Torii Hunter paced the locker room, punching walls and screaming at the Red Sox fans in this head. "Call them my daddy and my mommy," he yelled. "Just get them out of my head, before I go in there with a hammer."