It all looks so inviting. The friendly guy with the ponytail who loves putting himself into his own commercials tells of a can't-miss deal: hit the baseball on the Jordan's sign on the centerfield wall, and your furniture purchase is all free. Just one problem: Call of the Green Monster has learned that it is scientifically impossible to hit the ball on the sign.
"We pulled the whole campaign when we found out," said a flabbergasted Larry Lucchino. "We collected the money from them, of course, but that ponytailed loser won't be fooling our fans."
But Eliot Tatelman, the obnoxious star of the Jordan's ads, says that Lucchino and the Red Sox were very much complicit in the shady deal. "The important thing to know is that the ball in the ad can be hit," Tatelman fumed. "True, the ball would have to be hit by lightening in the midst of a solar eclipse to hit the sign...but it can, theoretically, be hit under those conditions."
Theo Epstein would not comment on the record, but told us that Lucchino has had several shady deals with Jordan's. "You know that little bench Francona sits on at the top of the dugout? Lucchino had Jordan's build the first one for him a couple of years ago, and the first time him and Millsy sat on it it broke in half. Funny as hell, of course, but you can't trust Lucchino."
