Call of the Green Monster

Donald Trump Declares Ellsbury "Not a Real Leadoff Hitter"

Fresh off the "birther" campaign, used by Donald Trump as yet another means to get on television, the self-proclaimed genius yesterday abandoned his mission to prove Obama was not born in the U.S., but cast his doubts now on a new area of concern.

"I've watched this Ellsbury kid for a while now," Trump said yesterday.  "Four weeks ago, I thought he might be a leadoff hitter. Now, I'm even less sure, and I have a team of invesitgators looking into it every day. So I say to this guy, if you're a real leadoff hitter, just prove it to us!  What's so hard about that?"

Terry Francona shook his head when he heard the news. "You know, Trump's the only guy in the world who makes me feel lucky I'm bald," he reflected. "Please, move on to more important issues, like does ARod carry a purse or not? Does he wear mascara? America would really like to know that. Let's focus on what really matters."

"I'm really proud of myself today," Trump continued. "I heard Ellsbury's batting ninth tonight. I'm just amazing."

Lackey Vows to End On-Field Temper Tantrums

It's always kind of an odd spectacle watching John Lackey pitch. In a typical Red Sox performance, Lackey gets pounded and yet more often than not comes away with a cheap win when his teammates bail him out. And yet with each pitch that get crushed by an opponent, Lackey jumps up and down, gives pained expressions, and occasionally kicks and punches the grass in a full-blown sob, apparently blaming the fielders for his gopher ball.

But a subdued Lackey called a press conference yesterday to announce that he will end his on-field temper tantrums, and will make every effort to stop trying to embarrass his teammates. "I read this book called "How to Stop Whining, Crying, and Acting Like a Three-Year Old," and, wow, it just changed my life," Lackey said. "I never realized that when I throw one of my meatballs, it might actually be my fault. And even if it's not, it might not be the best idea to show up a teammate who might save your ass with a hit later on. It's like a new world to me."

An unconvinced Dustin Pedroia said that Lackey's anger issues extend to the locker room. "The other day he comes out of the shower, water dripping all over the place because the concept of a towel apparently eludes him, and when he slips and falls, he blames Crawford," he explained. "You think Crawford doesn't have enough going wrong for him?"

"I've seen it too, a little bit," said Terry Francona.  "He brought in donuts for everyone the other day, and they were stale as hell.  Somehow, someway, it ended up being Jacoby's fault, and he starts chasing him all over the locker room.  Go figure."

Lackey concedes that there is a problem, but knows he will fix it.  "Count to ten, take deep breaths, cover my mouth if I have to..." he said. "Relax more."

"How bout just throwing some decent pitches?" asked an incredulous Pedroia.

Report: Jordan's Furniture Baseball Sign Scientifically Impossible to Hit

It all looks so inviting. The friendly guy with the ponytail who loves putting himself into his own commercials tells of a can't-miss deal: hit the baseball on the Jordan's sign on the centerfield wall, and your furniture purchase is all free.  Just one problem: Call of the Green Monster has learned that it is scientifically impossible to hit the ball on the sign.

"We pulled the whole campaign when we found out," said a flabbergasted Larry Lucchino. "We collected the money from them, of course, but that ponytailed loser won't be fooling our fans."

But Eliot Tatelman, the obnoxious star of the Jordan's ads, says that Lucchino and the Red Sox were very much complicit in the shady deal. "The important thing to know is that the ball in the ad can be hit," Tatelman fumed. "True, the ball would have to be hit by lightening in the midst of a solar eclipse to hit the sign...but it can, theoretically, be hit under those conditions."

Theo Epstein would not comment on the record, but told us that Lucchino has had several shady deals with Jordan's. "You know that little bench Francona sits on at the top of the dugout? Lucchino had Jordan's build the first one for him a couple of years ago, and the first time him and Millsy sat on it it broke in half. Funny as hell, of course, but you can't trust Lucchino."

Confused Manny Explores Return to Red Sox

 Disgraced ex-future Hall of Famer Manny Ramirez held a press conference yesterday to announce that he is planning to talk to the Red Sox front office about a possible return to help the struggling team. When reminded that he is suspended, and would be out for 100 games, Ramirez got a bit testy.

"Look dudes," he said emphatically, "get your facts straight. I was suspended from Tampa, 'cause that's the team I was with at the time.  I'm talking about playing for Boston now, it's a totally different thing, I'm not suspended from playing with them!  Of course I'm looking for a new team.  Why the hell would I stay with a team when baseball tells me I'll have to sit out 100 games with them?"

When asked by a reporter if he "had anything left," Ramirez appeared to have misinterpreted the question.  "Oh I got a lot left, dude," he stated.  "Vials, pills, syringes...I'm all set for the rest of the season, my man."

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

 

Enjoying the Feeling of Not Losing, Henry Petitions MLB for More Off Days

 It may not be the solution Red Sox Nation was hoping for, but Sox owner John Henry took the Red Sox horrific start into his own hands this morning by petitioning Major League Baseball for more off days.

"According to my projections," Henry stated, "it's the only way to stop the bleeding.  Plus, it was so nice to wake up the last two mornings not having lost. Not having to look at the Baltimore Orioles being ahead of you.  Not having those wretched Yankees fans delighting in your misery, and making incredibly insensitive jokes."

While Terry Francona believes his team can turn things around, he appreciated Henry's innovation. "The guy couldn't hit a baseball if his life depended on it," Francona reasoned, "but he's still out there trying to help us win.  Besides, we have guys making $20 million a year who look like they couldn't hit the ball if their life depended on it."

Henry agrees the plan is not a long-term solution. "Of course at some point we'll have to start playing again," he noted. "But for the time being, once a week until we can actually start putting some wins together.  We'll give Lester the ball for every start. During off days, I'll lead the team in Purifying Monkey of the Spirit yoga.  That's my other plan to get us winning."

Francona to Players: "Don't Worry, We're Totally Screwed"

 A surprisingly frank Terry Francona addressed the Red Sox players last night after another demoralizing loss to a supposedly weak team, and delivered a message designed to take the pressure off his straining players.

"I decided some honesty would help a little bit," Francona told the media.  "I basically explained to them that if you look at the statistics on our record and our start--and you know the little twerps in the front office love those stats--we're totally screwed."

It was mentioned to Francona that that was not exactly an encouraging message. "I think it will take the pressure off a little bit," he explained.  "Our season is over, we're out of it already, so let's put all the pressure aside, have some fun, and try at least to stay out of the A.L. East cellar."

The players had mixed reactions.  "It really picked up my spirits," said a sarcastic Dustin Pedroia. "I mean, what player wouldn't be happy knowing that the season is over after 11 games?"

High-priced disaster Carl Crawford, however, was ecstatic. "It's tough being as god-awful as I've been when your team is trying to win it all," he reasoned.  "Now that we've accepted how bad we are, I can start trying to hit the ball."