It may not be the solution Red Sox Nation was hoping for, but Sox owner John Henry took the Red Sox horrific start into his own hands this morning by petitioning Major League Baseball for more off days.
"According to my projections," Henry stated, "it's the only way to stop the bleeding. Plus, it was so nice to wake up the last two mornings not having lost. Not having to look at the Baltimore Orioles being ahead of you. Not having those wretched Yankees fans delighting in your misery, and making incredibly insensitive jokes."
While Terry Francona believes his team can turn things around, he appreciated Henry's innovation. "The guy couldn't hit a baseball if his life depended on it," Francona reasoned, "but he's still out there trying to help us win. Besides, we have guys making $20 million a year who look like they couldn't hit the ball if their life depended on it."
Henry agrees the plan is not a long-term solution. "Of course at some point we'll have to start playing again," he noted. "But for the time being, once a week until we can actually start putting some wins together. We'll give Lester the ball for every start. During off days, I'll lead the team in Purifying Monkey of the Spirit yoga. That's my other plan to get us winning."
