Theo Epstein has enlightened many fans lately by explaining that the statistics of the past are not necessarily relevant to today's game. RBIs, walks, on-base percentage, etc. are all stats that are being seen in a new light. Some are quite relevant, some not.
But yesterday, at a press conference, Epstein drew a gasp when he revealed the latest outdated statistic. "Won-loss records are so yesterday," Epstein said with a knowing smirk. "We are so much more advanced now, that we realize that a team's QWX rating and its CG23Q574 rating reveal far more about a team's performance. And there's nobody better than us. We're lined up to face the Pirates in the CG23Q574 rating championship."
John Henry noted that he wasn't aware that won-loss record had become so outdated. "Until very recently, I thought it was quite important to actually win the game," the owner said, as Epstein and Francona joined him in hysterical laughter. "We're far more sophisticated now. Oh, such fuss about a meaningless statistic like winning a game."
Epstein swaggered back to the microphone and smirked again. "Sure, the Yankees won the World Series last year," he said, "but we had the highest IBX2245GZW rating, which is the multiple gauge for measuring performance. The Yankees couldn't even touch us."
