Call of the Green Monster

Red Sox Hire Hazel Mae to do Nothing in Particular

 Some believe that something has been missing in Red Sox Nation since she left.  John Henry has mourned, Larry Lucchino has battled depression, and a general sense of malaise has set in. Heidi Watney can turn heads and Kathryn Tappen warrants some attention, but Hazel Mae was the stuff of legends. And yesterday, the Red Sox announced they are bringing her back.

In a tacky, somewhat tasteless promotion entitled, "She's Our D-Cup of Tea," a fawning John Henry and Larry Lucchino engaged in a silly battle for the right to stand next to Mae.  "I am pleased to announce the return of the very talented Hazel Mae to the Red Sox family," Lucchino announced as he controlled Henry by holding him in a vice grip around the neck.  "She will play a vital role in the Red Sox organization."

"What exactly will she be doing?" a reporter asked.

"Uh...well, she will," said a stammering Lucchino, before Henry sank his teeth into his kneecap, causing the team president to howl in pain.

"Hazel will be working in an as-yet undefined role related to the management and the...monitoring of..." As Henry began to lose his composure, Lucchino, suffering from moderate blood loss and still partially in shock, jumped in.

"Oh, for God's sake, look at the woman!" he screamed.  "What will her role be?  Who the hell cares? Her role will be to show up at the park, walk around in those dresses we all so love, and...and be Hazel Mae.  That's her damn role.  You think we're going to entertain people with this stupid run prevention strategy?  Everyone will be asleep by the third inning.  But I defy anyone to sleep when Hazel Mae is in the house!"

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Hank Steinbrenner Honored for Worst Hair Dye Job

 With the Yankees off to a great start, Hank Steinbrenner could hardly believe his good fortune when the United Hair Federation voted Steinbrenner's dye job on his hair as the worst in American.  A tearful Steinbrenner accepted the award, saying, "I try to get my hair as dark as possible, to symbolize the evil that the Yankees organization represents."

The honors continued to roll in, as later in the day Steinbrenner was informed that the National Chin Association had nominated him for "Most Prominent Double Chin."  And as if that wasn't enough, his father, George, who COTGM previously reported as dead, was voted by the American Mortician's Society as being the "most effectively embalmed specimen of the decade."  Please check back for more updates on awards for Yankee executives.

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City Denies Sox Request to Allow Alcohol Sales to Minors with Permission Slips

 A frustrated Larry Lucchino stood before the media to answer questions about a story broken by Call of the Green Monster regarding the Red Sox recent request to be allowed to sell alcohol to minors who provide a permission slip from their parents.  The request was immediately denied. "Of all the over-protective, prudish nonsense I've ever heard of, this takes the cake," Lucchino groused. "It's a sad day in this city when a young kid--with a permission slip from his parents, mind you--can't enjoy a few pops while watching the game.  People want us to beat the Yankees, but when it comes to letting us increase our revenue by making a fortune selling booze to kids, noooo!  They say the idea is 'inappropriate.'"

Lucchino was asked if he really wanted to be responsible for getting minors started on liquor.  "Hey look, buddy," the feisty Lucchino replied, "do see anybody in our bleachers drinking responsibly?  No, and they're adults, at least chronologically.  I have faith that our youngsters will see the errors of their elders and will make wise decisions and not drink themselves into a catatonic trance like many Sox fans do.  Plus, c'mon, there are only so many beers a 10-year-old can suck down into that still-developing stomach."

"Unfathomably irresponsible," said Mayor Mennino through a spokesperson (who admitted that the mayor could not successfully articulate those words without assistance).  "Next thing you know, they'll be asking if they can serve cigars to kids."

When apprised of those comments, Lucchino raised his eyebrows.  "Wait a minute," he said reflectively.  "That's actually not such a bad idea. Fenway Cigars!  Would we even need a permission slip for that?"

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Pedro Miffed at Being Lifted After One Pitch

It was one of the highlights in a night of many highlights.  Pedro Martinez returned to Fenway Park for Opening Night against the Yankees.  In a dramatic moment, Pedro stepped from behind a Red Sox banner and was immediately showered with cheers from a loving Red Sox Nation.  The legend then took his time walking toward the mound, soaking up the adulation, before throwing the first pitch to former batterymate Jason Varitek.  But then, things got ugly, as Pedro once again felt he was the victim of disrespect.

"For the rest of my life, I will never believe it," Pedro said from the clubhouse.  "One pitch, they take me out of the game.  What an insult!  That's the shortest outing of my career, man.  And it's also the most humiliating."

Manager Terry Francona, however, defended the move.  "Kind of thought he'd had enough, he was cooked," the skipper said.  "I'm no Grady Little.  When I see a guy is done, I get him outta there.  Ball came out of his hand real well though."

"The data revealed it was time to get him out of there," Theo Epstein added.  "We felt that getting him off the field before the actual game started was in everyone's best interests.  Plus, he really left that one pitch out over the plate."

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