Call of the Green Monster

Hank Steinbrenner Grieves the NCAA Departure of Hero John Calipari

  A glum Hank Steinbrenner walked through the Yankees Spring Training camp in even more of a foul mood than usual.  Kentucky coach John Calipari and his Wildcats team were eliminated from the NCAA tournament over the weekend, meaning that a legitimate trip to the Final Four (as opposed to his previous two trips to the Final Four, which were wiped out due to criminal activity in his programs) had once again eluded Coach Cal.  Calipari, who doesn't view an inability to read and write as a deterrent to college admission, had no doubt he could bring in more...students...and restock.  Steinbrenner, who sees Calipari as a hero, was inconsolable.

"The man is completely devoid of ethics, of even the most basic concepts of morality," said a morose, tearful Steinbrenner.  "That's just the way I run the Yankees organization.  It's rare to find people like us, who scoff at concepts of simple humanity.  I'm just so sad to see John, despite being able to choose from the best talent in the country, fail again."

For his part, Calipari, who never met a thug he couldn't get into college, said the admiration is mutual. "Like me, the Yankees will pay any amount of money to bring in the best," Coach Cal said. "Of course, for me, it's trickier.  My payments have to be made on the sly, in back alleys, and in a way that makes it look like I was not involved. That's why I was never actually indicted..." he paused to collect himself while laughing, "...never personally indicted in the scandals at my two previous programs.  I have to be a sleaze on the sly...Hank can be one right out in the open."

"Ah, Coach Cal, so despicable," Steinbrenner, while kicking a youngster out of his seat at a Spring Training game.  "I love the guy."

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

  

Jerry Remy to Sell His Mustache, Eyebrows, and Fingernails on Website

It has been said that Jerry Remy is so popular in Boston that he could take an oily rag, slap the RemDawg logo on it, and sell it on his website to add to his billion dollar empire.  While not yet resorting to that, Remy did announce yesterday that he does plan to actually sell parts of his own body, namely his mustache, eyebrows, and fingernails.

"When the marketing department from RemDawg Nation first came to me with the idea, I was a little skeptical," Remy said yesterday from his corporate headquarters.  "But it makes sense, because all of these things grow back, right? Hell, I chew off my fingernails every time the Sox play a close one, why not make some cash for that?"

Remy's website, which has been known for being far better at collecting money than delivering products in a timely manner, has not previously ventured into the marketing and sale of human body parts. They see tremendous growth potential in this area, in more ways than one.  "Think about it," Remy said.  "I have limitless supplies of these goods at no cost!  I can't believe I never thought of selling parts of my body before.  Marketing thinks I can get $10 million for a finger.  I'm not ready to go that route yet, but hey, in this down economy you never know."

Terry Francona rolled his eyes when informed of Remy's latest venture. "It's disgusting," the skipper said, while hucking out a tremendous glob of tobacco, bubblegum, sunflower seeds, and jalapeno peppers.  "I ordered a few fingernails just to stay on good terms with the guy, but I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with them."

Larry Lucchino felt the need to stay on Remy's good side as well.  "I put in for some eyebrow, though I'm totally grossed out by this," he said.  "But I didn't want any part of that pathetic mustache."

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Ronan Tynan to Moon Yankees at Fenway on Opening Day

Initial reports on the story had world-renowned singer Ronan Tynan making a grave anti-Semetic comment.  More recent versions contend that Tynan made a harmless comment taken out of context.  Anti-Defamation League national director Abraham Foxman publicly stated that Tynan should be forgiven and we should all move forward.  But the New York Yankees, who often hired Tynan to sing "God Bless America" at important games, no longer use Tynan's services because of the alleged incident.

It is for this reason that Tynan has requested, and the Boston Red Sox have agreed, to have Tynan appear at Fenway Park on Opening Day not to sing, but to moon the New York Yankees.  "He sent us a formal letter of request, I thought about it for half a second and said yes," Larry Lucchino explained with a wink and grin at a press conference yesterday.  "Make no mistake, I'm in no hurry to see those cheeks on display, but I am looking forward to seeing the look on the Yankees' faces!"

Tynan told the media the moon will be done with dignity and honor.  "It will not be a mean-spirited moon or inappropriate in any way," Tynan explained. "I will drop my trousers with reverence and do what needs to be done.  I've promised the Red Sox that there will be no more than three seconds of posterior exposure. My goodness, the Yankees have professional executioners on their payroll...and they dare call me offensive?"

While it is planned to be a one-time occurrence, Lucchino did not rule out the possibility of a burgeoning tradition.  "If we can bring in some distinguished guests to gracefully moon the Yankees from time to time, who am I to say no to that?" Lucchino reflected.  "It's the kind of moon the whole league can enjoy."

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bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Fearing First Visit as Red Sox to Yankee Stadium, Boof Bonser Considers Name Change

With the start of the regular season fast approaching, the Red Sox know that their first visit of the season to Yankee Stadium is fast approaching as well.  No one realizes this more than new Sox pitcher Boof Bonser.  Knowing that sadistic heckling is a favorite pastime of those a-few-DNA-short-of-human beings known as Yankees fans, a spooked Bonser is considering a name change.

"When those animals start in on my name, it's going to get ugly," Bonser told COTGM. "Barf Bonser, Boof Bozo, Boof Boner, Barf Bonehead...I'm sure they've begun preparation already.  My real name is John, but if I keep Bonser they'll just keep it up.  Right now, I'm thinking of Henry Fontaine."

Terry Francona thinks that Bonser might be underestimating the savageness of Yankees fans.  "He's worried about them calling him Barf, or Boner?" an incredulous Francona asked.  "Please.  Yankees fans don't bother with small time stuff like that.  They're going to go right after his mother.  His wife and children are fair game too."

Dustin Pedroia agrees.  "I was worried they'd call me a dwarf, or shorty...something like that," he said. "But the second I stepped on the field, someone from the bleachers screams out...uh, well...that I'd had an improper sexual relationship with my sister.  Then they threw a dead body on the field. I completely stopped worrying about my height after that"
 

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Dice-K Bullpen Session Deemed Greatest in MLB History

In yet another effort to return to form as a major league pitcher, Dice-K Matsuzaka, recovering from a back injury, yesterday threw what is already being called the greatest bullpen session in the history of Major League Baseball.

"Back in 1876 George Washington Bradley of the old St. Louis Brown Stockings threw a bullpen session that they're still talking about in the bars of the city, even though no one alive actually saw it," said baseball historian Raul Meddleson. "I've seen some grainy footage of it, and I can say the movement on the ball was spectacular...though some might argue that it's due to the decomposition of the film."

Terry Francona seemed to concur with the reports of Matsuzaka's session.  "Dicey was making that ball dance around like you wouldn't believe, lemme tell ya'," Francona said.  "I mean it looked like a friggin' beachball on a windy day, only his control was perfect. The ball came out of his hand real well."

Pitching coach John Farrell noted, "He used all his pitches, and we didn't see the usual mannerisms we see on the mound with Dice-K, you know, when he always looks like he's suffering from severe constipation."

Farrell and Francona were then asked if they thought Dice-K could retain the magic of this session, and replicate it during an actual game.  "Not a chance," said Francona, howling with laughter.  "He'll be back nibbling away and walking two guys an inning, throwing 130 pitches and barely getting us to the fifth."

"You're talking about perhaps the greatest bullpen pitcher ever," Farrell said, diplomatically adding, "Let's enjoy him for that talent, and not actually expect that he's going to be a competent major league pitcher."

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

 

To Avoid Controversy, Francona Hoping for Injury to Starting Pitcher

Like any manager, Terry Francona tries desperately to avoid any clubhouse controversy.  This spring, a particularly tricky situation is developing with his starting pitching: He has six solid starters for five spots.  Logic would dictate that respected veteran Tim Wakefield would be a candidate for the bullpen, but Wakefield has made it clear that he does not want that, and one could argue that unlike, say, Dice-K Matsuzaka, Wakefield has earned a spot. Francona recently told COTGM that he is hoping for an injury to rectify this problem.

"Hell, I don't want to have to tell Wake he's going to the bullpen," said Francona, sticking his foot out into the aisle as Matsuzaka walked by.  Dice-K deftly hopped over the foot, and Francona winced at the lost opportunity. "Wake has earned this, and he's trying to become the all-time winningest pitcher in Red Sox history. If Dice or even Buchy could just come down with something, it would be an answer to a prayer."

Later in the day, after being caught by a COTGM reporter pouring tobacco juice into Dice-K's tea while he wasn't looking, Francona was asked if this was really the best method to solve the pitching quandary. "Ahhh, these guys have such fragile egos," an annoyed Francona replied.  "I'm sure Dice-K would much rather miss a few starts due to tobacco poisoning than to be told he's going to the bullpen."

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com