In yet another effort to return to form as a major league pitcher, Dice-K Matsuzaka, recovering from a back injury, yesterday threw what is already being called the greatest bullpen session in the history of Major League Baseball.
"Back in 1876 George Washington Bradley of the old St. Louis Brown Stockings threw a bullpen session that they're still talking about in the bars of the city, even though no one alive actually saw it," said baseball historian Raul Meddleson. "I've seen some grainy footage of it, and I can say the movement on the ball was spectacular...though some might argue that it's due to the decomposition of the film."
Terry Francona seemed to concur with the reports of Matsuzaka's session. "Dicey was making that ball dance around like you wouldn't believe, lemme tell ya'," Francona said. "I mean it looked like a friggin' beachball on a windy day, only his control was perfect. The ball came out of his hand real well."
Pitching coach John Farrell noted, "He used all his pitches, and we didn't see the usual mannerisms we see on the mound with Dice-K, you know, when he always looks like he's suffering from severe constipation."
Farrell and Francona were then asked if they thought Dice-K could retain the magic of this session, and replicate it during an actual game. "Not a chance," said Francona, howling with laughter. "He'll be back nibbling away and walking two guys an inning, throwing 130 pitches and barely getting us to the fifth."
"You're talking about perhaps the greatest bullpen pitcher ever," Farrell said, diplomatically adding, "Let's enjoy him for that talent, and not actually expect that he's going to be a competent major league pitcher."email@example.com