Call of the Green Monster

Saving Money, Hank Steinbrenner to Give Yankees World Series Decorative Pins

Though he is generous to players when he is trying to get them to sign with the New York Yankees, Hank Steinbrenner is an unabashed cheapskate when it comes to anything else. Thus, Yankees players returning to Spring Training were enraged but not surprised to learn that they would not be getting fancy World Series rings, but would instead be given dirt cheap decorative pins.

"Let me just clarify something," Steinbrenner told the media.  "I'm getting a World Series ring,
a big honkin' thing with about 900 diamonds, rubies, sapphire, the works. But why the hell should dole out all that  money to get World Series rings for the players?  Correct me if I'm wrong, but they did get paid, didn't they?  Let them get their own damn rings."

While it's estimated that the Red Sox spent upwards of $40,000 each on their World Series rings,
Steinbrenner reportedly secured the World Series pins at a wholesale price of about $50 for
100 pins. Steinbrenner, meanwhile, sauntered around Spring Training flashing the ring for all to
see.

"I don't recall seeing that guy playing one inning last year," a furious Derek Jeter said, as he
watched Steinbrenner standing out on the field posing for photos while displaying his ring. "John
Henry might be a goofy-looking twerp, but at least he takes care of his players."

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

 

Epstein Vows to be More Forthcoming

Though he generally seems as though he would prefer being waterboarded with electrical circuits attached to his body rather than reveal anything about the inner workings of the Red Sox, Theo Epstein gathered the media yesterday to announce that he plans to be more forthcoming this year.  But the press conference went nowhere fast.

"I've called all of you here today to announce that I feel a little bit ashamed of how reclusive I've become, and especially for how I refuse to provide any meaningful information about anything," Epstein began.  "I feel I should have more respect for the fact that you people have a job to do too."  In what ways does he intend to be more forthcoming?  "Well, ask me a question!" a jubilent Epstein exclaimed.

"Will the Red Sox attempt to land Adrian Gonzalez by trade?"

"We don't comment on potential trades," Epstein said.  "Ask me about anything else."

"Do you think Mike Lowell will heal sufficiently from surgery to make a contribution to this team?

"I don't think it would be fair to Mike to speculate on that, I've screwed him enough...uh...he's been through a lot."

"Will there be any free agent signings?"

"I can't comment on that because it can hinder any negotiations that may or may not be underway."

"Do you see yourself staying with the Red Sox in the next five years?"

"I can say that I wouldn't deny or necessarily confirm that in five years my tenure with the Red Sox could, will, or may be viable or not.  Hope that helps."

"Theo," said an exasperated reporter, "you're still not telling us anything.  You're getting worse than Bellichick."

"I don't think any relationship that I may or may not have..." Epstein began, before an egg came flying though the crowd and splattered on this forehead.  "Lucchino!" an enraged Epstein yelled.

"Well, I may or may not have thrown what may or may not have been an egg," Lucchino said with a wink to the crowd before cackling wildly.  "Come back to my office guys.  Not only will I give you more information that this paranoid twerp, I've also got some embarassing photos of childhood Halloween costume he once wore."

"No!!!" Epstein screamed.  "Not Little Bo Peep!"

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com