Though he generally seems as though he would prefer being waterboarded with electrical circuits attached to his body rather than reveal anything about the inner workings of the Red Sox, Theo Epstein gathered the media yesterday to announce that he plans to be more forthcoming this year. But the press conference went nowhere fast.
"I've called all of you here today to announce that I feel a little bit ashamed of how reclusive I've become, and especially for how I refuse to provide any meaningful information about anything," Epstein began. "I feel I should have more respect for the fact that you people have a job to do too." In what ways does he intend to be more forthcoming? "Well, ask me a question!" a jubilent Epstein exclaimed.
"Will the Red Sox attempt to land Adrian Gonzalez by trade?"
"We don't comment on potential trades," Epstein said. "Ask me about anything else."
"Do you think Mike Lowell will heal sufficiently from surgery to make a contribution to this team?
"I don't think it would be fair to Mike to speculate on that, I've screwed him enough...uh...he's been through a lot."
"Will there be any free agent signings?"
"I can't comment on that because it can hinder any negotiations that may or may not be underway."
"Do you see yourself staying with the Red Sox in the next five years?"
"I can say that I wouldn't deny or necessarily confirm that in five years my tenure with the Red Sox could, will, or may be viable or not. Hope that helps."
"Theo," said an exasperated reporter, "you're still not telling us anything. You're getting worse than Bellichick."
"I don't think any relationship that I may or may not have..." Epstein began, before an egg came flying though the crowd and splattered on this forehead. "Lucchino!" an enraged Epstein yelled.
"Well, I may or may not have thrown what may or may not have been an egg," Lucchino said with a wink to the crowd before cackling wildly. "Come back to my office guys. Not only will I give you more information that this paranoid twerp, I've also got some embarassing photos of childhood Halloween costume he once wore."
"No!!!" Epstein screamed. "Not Little Bo Peep!"
