Call of the Green Monster

Damon to Prospective Teams: Sign Me; My Wife is Part of the Deal

One of the stories of the off-season is that Johnny Damon remains unsigned.  Initially looking for a preposterous four-year deal at $13 million per (thank you Scott Boras), Damon turned down a two-year offer from the Yankees at $7 million per. Now, the Yankees have moved on and Damon's options are dwindling.  Realizing this, he has taken matters into his own hands.

"Um, so, like, I just want teams out there to know that, like, um, if they sign me, my wife will come with me," Damon said at a press conference.  "She's like, so hot, and um, when you sign me, um, you get to look at her and stuff."

Damon felt the need to make it clear that he wasn't actually offering his wife to anyone, but that she would be available for aesthetic purposes. "Um, like, you don't get to touch her or anything, only I get to do that," Damon clarified.  "But most people enjoy staring at her and stuff.  She's some heavy-duty eye candy, dude." Michelle Damon then sauntered down a makeshift runway, as photographers frantically snapped pictures.

"The offers will be pouring in now, dude," Damon said with a smile.

Johnny Damon on COTGM:

Several Players Hit by Line Drives While Staring at Johnny Damon's Wife

Damon Injures Mosquito with Throw

IQ Tests Confirm Damon and Millar are, in Fact, Idiots

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

 

Sox Plan to Sell Commemorative Ice Cubes from Winter Classic

It was, by all accounts, a spectacle that all will remember.  The Winter Classic at Fenway Park enthralled fans from all over the region, and made millions for the Boston Red Sox.  And apparently, they are not done yet.  Yesterday, at a press conference announcing a promotion called "We Will Ice You!" the Red Sox announced plans to sell commemorative ice cubes from the Winter Classic rink.

John Henry, dressed in a full ice cube costume, stepped up to the podium. "Hockey fans, prepare to be iced!" an elated Henry said.  "After watching the Bruins score that wonderful extra innings win Driers, we wanted fans to have something they could always treasure."

After whispering to Henry to step down from the podium before he embarrassed himself any more, Larry Lucchino nudged him out of the way, and addressed the crowd, holding up an ice cube.  "Folks, I present to you an authentic and official sample of Fenway Ice," Lucchino announced. "For the price of just $100, you can purchase a raffle ticket to be one of the lucky few who will have a chance to buy this limited edition treasure."

"Won't it melt?" asked a reporter.

"Ha!" Lucchino said. "Of course it will melt, it's ice you nitwit.  But all you have to do is freeze it again, and there's your Fenway Ice."

"So, let me get this straight," another reporter asked.  "You're selling people raffles tickets, but that $100 doesn't get them the ice sample, it just gets them a chance to buy it."

"Correct!" Lucchino said proudly.  "If they are lucky enough to purchase the cube, the price is $1,000.  There are only a few left. You also get a coupon for 5% off the purchase of a Fenway Frank."

"So you are paying $1,100 dollars for a little pool of water, is that it?"

"You forgot the coupon that is included," Lucchino reminded.  Then he looked out over the stunned crowd.  "Ah, it's great to know the wonderful people of Red Sox Nation...and to have such easy access to their money."

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

  

WEEI Cited as Key Factor in Brown Victory

In a startling upset, Republican Scott Brown yesterday defeated the once-favored Martha Coakley to take Senator Ted Kennedy's former seat.  While some cite the brilliant campaign Brown ran and the rampant voter anger and frustration as causes for the win, those in the know point the finger right at Boston's sports radio station WEEI.

"When you've got an astute political mind like the "Big O" devoting entire shows to your campaign, it's hard for an opponent to overcome that," said a Brown aid. "And then you've got the political machine of "Dennis and Callahan", two brilliant observers of the political landscape who bring a balanced, fair, and compassionate view to their commentary. Yes, they once compared a METCO student to an escaped gorilla, and their shows feature a generally misogynist tone, but these are two sensitive guys. 'Headlines' is just amazing."

But while Ordway, Callahan, and Dennis appear to have influenced many of the more knowledgeable voters, political experts say that the Smerlas/DeOssie factor, referring to the two former NFL players who co-host The Big Show, must not be under-estimated. "Yes, while Fred sees flatulence and 'poop' jokes as viable comedic material, and DeOssie frequently entertains listeners with venomous, hateful rants directed at his collection of ex-wives, these gentlemen have some pretty insights," said the Brown aid. "Plus, Senator Brown has always been a fan of good gastro-intestinal humor."

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com
 

Philanthropic Francona to Grow a Hair for Charity

Always thinking of those in need, Red Sox manager Terry Francona revealed yesterday that he plans to begin a special mission to raise money for those in need.  In a quest he labeled "Raise Money, Raise a Hair," the completely bald Francona said he plans to grow a hair for charity.

"There are times when we all need to take on the impossible to better ourselves and to help others, to dream the impossible dream." the Sox skipper said.  "I know I can do this.  I've cleared some space, and I've been adding some nutrients and I'm confident a little bud is gonna come sprouting up any day now."

Red Sox fans, invigorated by Francona's passion, are putting up millions of dollars for charity for "the little hair that could" as Francona called it with a wink.  Early reports however reveal no signs of growth yet, though Francona's advisor, Bud Follicle, said that Red Sox Nation must be patient.  "When that hair finally sprouts, it will be glorious," Follicle said.

Larry Lucchino, remained less optimistic.  "Fans, your money is safe," Lucchino said dryly. "I put up $10 million myself, because I know that the hair ain't gonna happen.  I've seen Terry's head--it's barren."

Francona remains steadfast.  "Nothing can stop me now," he said.  "I'm "rooting" that hair on, get it?"

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Report: Rats Enjoyed the Ice at Fenway

A source recently informed Call of the Green Monster that the Boston Red Sox, in a gracious move to be kind to their neighbors, invited the many rats that inhabit Fenway Park to free ice time on the Winter Classic rink.  Mayor Menino applauded the news, while commending the rats for taking advantage of the rink time and not scalping tickets as their human neighbors did.

However, in an exclusive interview with COTGM, Larry Lucchino clarified some of the facts in this story.  "We didn't actually offer the rats any free ice time, they kind of took it on their own," he said.  "We turned the lights on one night and there were hundreds of them out on the ice.  They were sliding around, yucking it up, having a blast. One of them had a little goalie's mask made of cardboard.  Cute as hell, I'll tell ya'."

But, it was pointed out, at least the Red Sox allowed the rats to have their fun while on the ice.  "True to an extent," Lucchino reasoned. "It took about ten minutes for us to get Bruno from our pest control department down there.  He put a bowl of warm milk on center ice, and when they all bunched together to get at it, he started clubbing them over the head.  Not quite the way I would have done it, but effective nevertheless."

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Sox Trade Mike Lowell's Locker to Texas

After failing in repeated desperate attempts to trade World Series hero and all-around class guy Mike Lowell, the Red Sox yesterday took a small step forward in their efforts as Lowell's locker was dealt to the Texas Rangers. Kason Gabbard, whom the Rangers and Sox have exchanged several times, was also included in the deal.  The Sox have agreed to pay most of the shipping costs for Lowell's locker.

"Trading a player's locker might seem like a strange move," Theo Epstein said, "but it does help us to clear some space, with hopes of eventually trading the player, not just the vessal in which he stores his equipment."

Meanwhile, Lowell seems to be increasingly confused as to why the team is so eager to get rid of someone who has done nothing but good things in Boston.  "They've been trying to trade me for years," he said glumly, "so I guess it only figures that since they can't trade me, they'd start trying to deal my belongings.  I noticed my glove and all my equipment is gone too."

And exactly why are the Sox so eager to ship Lowell out of town?  "One time I took the last slice of ham from the clubhouse spread.  That might have ticked off a few folks."

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com