Call of the Green Monster

Youkilis Sent to Stress-Management Specialist

He is the very face of human stress. With Kevin Youkilis, every pitch is an epic drama, every ground ball a Shakespearean tragedy. He sweats profusely even when sitting on the bench, and looks as if were prepared to eat the beating of heart of any umpire who would dare to call a strike on him.  But it was when Youkilis touched off a bench-clearing brawl Tuesday night that John Henry decided that he needed to step in and take action.

"There was a time when stress ruled my life," Henry said in a dreamy voice at a press conference, as many media members dozed. "Then, on one of my spiritual pilgrimages to China, in a small coastal village, I was introduced to the art of Energy Balancing. It begins with an affirmation: 'Even though I am feeling X, I accept myself fully and completely.'" Henry then explained that the person then begins to tap several energy meridians around the body. The process is repeated until eventually stress dissolves and the subject becomes aware of a harmonized energy flow within his body.  "With years of practice, you can eventually transform yourself into different life forms," Henry explained, "but with Youk we'll start slow."

Yesterday, Henry accompanied Youkilis into Chinatown to meet with renowned Energy Healer Wing-Chung Dun (whose friends call him Charlie) to be led through the stress-release process. "Even though I am tired of being hit by pitches," Dun said, instructing Youkilis to repeat, "I accept myself fully and completely." Youkilis successfully repeated the phrase, but with each successive round, appeared to be getting more stressed.

"Even though I am tired of being hit by pitches," Dun repeated.  A now red-faced, profusely-sweating Youkilis repeated, "Even though I am tired of being hit by pitches..."

"I accept myself..." Dun began.

"I will punch the living crap out of the next @#$%$ who comes near me and tear his freaking head off!" Youkilis screamed, picking up his chair and smashing it over his knee.

Later, as he and Henry walked home, Youkilis insisted he felt he had made progress.  "Yeah, I lost it a little bit toward the end," he said, "but I think this is going to work for me.  Let me see...'Even though I have never taken an actual strike, I accept that the umpire is blind.' That work Mr. Henry?"

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Sox Offer Smoltz Golden Parachute

Things haven't worked out quite the way the Red Sox planned for future Hall of Famer John Smoltz.  Coming off major surgery, Smoltz was supposed to be the veteran force who would be leading the Sox into October. Eight starts later he has an 8+ ERA, and has been shelled several times, most recently by the Yankees.

Call of the Green Monster has learned that early this morning, Smoltz was flown to Boston in John Henry's private jet for a meeting with the Red Sox human resources office.  It was there that Larry Lucchino and hhuman resources director Mary Sprong greeted Smoltz and told him they were offering him a golden parachute--an attractive benefits packages pending his immediate retirement.

"This is a wonderfully generous offer," Lucchino told a stunned Smoltz.  "It will certainly ease the pain of leaving the Red Sox before you planned to."

"What if I don't accept it?" Smoltz asked.

"We've got a waiver deal set up with the Washington Nationals, where you'll be their mop-up guy for the rest of the year," Lucchino explained.  According to Nationals' sources, no such deal was in place.

"Well," a dejected Smoltz apparently said, "I guess I'll take it."

"Excellent, excellent," Lucchino said, patting Smoltz on the back while easing his toward the door.

"I need to clean out my locker..."

"Already done, your bags are right outside the door."  Lucchino then handed Smoltz a piece of paper.

"What's this?"

"Your retirement speech," Lucchino replied.  "C'mon, press conference starts in five minutes."

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American Cheese Federation Suing Dennis Eckersley

 The American Cheese Federation announced today that it plans to sue Red Sox color man Dennis Eckersley for “gross exploitation of the word 'cheese.'” Eckersley, who is known to invent his own vocabulary—affectionately called 'dial-eck'—typically refers to a fastball as “cheese.” 

“We are very disturbed at the way in which Mr. Eckersley deploys a word that is very dear to our heart,” said Winston Cheddar III, chairman of the American Cheese Federation.  "Not since the use of the odious 'cut the cheese' expression have we had such an assault on our beloved."

Cheddar not only takes offense at the misuse of the word, but also some of the descriptions Eckersley uses with it. "Outrageous enough that he chooses to exploit the word itself," Cheddar explained, "but do we have to listen to him use such nausea-inducing terms such as 'cheese with hair on it' or 'high cheese' or 'he left his cheese over the plate?'  It simply makes me want to vomit."

Eckersley seemed incredulous when questioned about the lawsuit.  "Seems like those pumpkins are boiling under the wrong grill," he told a confused gathering of media. "If my tongue makes this guy toss, that's his hangnail."

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