Call of the Green Monster

Report: Ortiz was "Only Kidding" about Denials of PED Use

Red Sox Nation is still reeling from the report that David Ortiz, the beloved Big Papi, tested positive for performance enhancing drugs in 2003. Ortiz had repeatedly denied such usage, in what was apparently a Big Lie.

But this morning, an incredulous Big Papi denied that he lied to anyone in his denials.  "I was only kidding all those times I denied using PED's, man," Big Papi said with his trademark hearty laugh. "Of course I've been juiced, dude, just look at me.  You see how much my body changed.  You see how I went from an ordinary player to a superstar.  My goodness, man, you guys got no sense of humor at all!"

A steamed Theo Epstein gave a stern retort to the media.  "I think the media owes David a big apology for calling him a liar.  If you didn't know he was joking when he denied being juiced, then I'll trade you J.D. Drew and his albatross of a contract for...anyone.  Let's get real here."
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Obama Invites Dice-K and Francona to White House for a Beer

Much of Red Sox Nation was stung yesterday when news broke that pitcher Dice-K Matsuzaka publicly criticized the Red Sox training methods for pitchers.  The pitcher intimated that the Sox were ruining his career by not letting him use his own workout regime. Terry Francona in a rare critique of his own player, expressed his extreme disappointment with the comments.

This morning, President Obama announced that he wanted to cool things down between management and the player.  “I’ve invited Terry and Dice-K down to the White House for a beer,” the president announced.  “I’m sure this is an excellent learning opportunity.  I’m convinced that both parties went a bit too far, but we’ll sip some brew, share our thoughts, and be a better country for it.  I want to stress that no one acted stupidly in this incident.”

White House officials supported the move, though one was a bit concerned with a possible effect of the schedule.  “He invited Terry and Dice-K in for a beer right after Professor Gates and Sgt. Crowley will be leaving,” said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “That’s a lot of beer in one night for a guy who holds the nuclear codes. If you had a woman in the White House, she wouldn’t be solving problems by chugging beers.”

Meanwhile Terry Francona remained steamed at Dice-K, but agreed to the offer. “Lucchino wanted the president to come to Fenway so the president could have a beer with the whole crowd, and the Red Sox could make a fortune in the process,” the manager explained.  “Apparently the president said he prefers cold beer that isn’t watered down.”
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Report: J.D. Drew Displays a Human Emotion

In his three years in Boston, fans have never really seemed to be able to figure him out.  J.D. Drew is quiet, unassuming, and seemingly completely devoid of any human emotion. His expression never changes, as no one seems to be able to crack through the wall with which he surrounds himself. But all that changed on Sunday, when, according to two teammates who witnessed the event, Drew for the first time ever displayed a genuine human emotion.

"Evidently, Terry Francona was coming out of the shower and Big Papi was walking in," a COTGM source revealed. "Francona, naked as a jaybird, slips, goes flying up in the air, and bounces on his butt. In the process, his glasses go flying and his legs trip Big Papi.  Big Papi, stark naked himself, goes flying up in the air and lands right on top of Tito's glasses. The crunch was unbelievable."

Tim Wakefield confirmed COTGM's version of the incident, and also claims to be the first person ever to witness Drew displaying a human emotion in his reaction to the incident. "His lip twitched just a little bit, but I think it was enough to be considered a smile," Wakefield reported. Mike Lowell backed Wakefield's story.  "It was just the slightest of smiles, but really the first indication since I've known the guy that he's not an android. I really wasn't sure until then."

Terry Francona also claimed he saw Drew smile, but that is being viewed with some skepticism since his glasses were crushed by Big Papi. "With the broken lens from his glasses lodged in my ass, he didn't see nothing, bro," a disgusted Big Papi said.  "But I don't believe J.D. smiled. When we won the World Series he just calmly walked off the field like we played a Spring Training game.  I still think that dude ain't human, man. Unless you can program an android to smile. Can you?"
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Big Papi's Turnaround Directly Linked to Advice Gleaned from WEEI Callers

The overwhelming slump that David Ortiz found himself in during the first two months of the season finally seems to have abated, as the month of June saw him once again launching homeruns and knocking in runs in a more Papi-like fashion.  Some believe the hours spent watching
video helped him out, while others credit batting coach Dave Magadan with Papi's recent success.  But Call of the Green Monster has learned that neither of these theories is accurate. 

"I'll tell ya, when I heard some of the ingenious advice callers were giving on WEEI, I told Papi to turn his radio on and kind of keep it on." Terry Francona explained to COTGM. "I mean these callers are just true students of the game. For instance, someone called in and said, 'I think he's swinging too late.'  I nearly fell outta my chair. I mean Millsy and me hadn't thought of that.  So right away, I'm on the phone to Papi telling him to swing earlier."

There was also some helpful advice that was not related to Papi's swing. "One day I'm listening and this guy calls and says, 'I think Papi's too heavy.' Hadn't thought of that either. So I'm kind of all over that advice, and we got him on a diet the next day.  The eyes drops? More advice from WEEI.  I'd also like to thank Fred Smerlas, Steve DeOssie, and Cedric Maxwell for their insights into the problem.  Those guys know their stuff when it comes to baseball."

Francona was finally asked about the speculation that Ortiz may have used performance-enhancing drugs in the past, and with increased testing is now off them.  "Don't be silly," the skipper said with a good-natured laugh. "No one on the Red Sox ever used PEDs!"
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Red Sox Opt to Use Twitter to Relay Signs

For people who have extraordinary amounts of free time on their hands, Twitter has come along to save the day. The website, which is based on the premise of having members continuously answer the question, "What are you doing?" has been known to entertain people with short attention spans for hours, as they constantly update friends on what mundane activities they are currently involved in.

The Red Sox, however, ever seeking to use technology to gain an edge, have announced that they will no longer use conventional signs on the field, and will instead use Twitter to assist in this process. "No more having coaches grab their ears or pat their asses to signal a bunt," Theo Epstein noted.  "We're introducing the signs of the future."

"I think it's a great idea," an excited Terry Francona said after the press conference. "Millsy and me like to Twitter each other--excuse me, "tweet" each other--during games all the time. There's not really much for us to do until the seventh inning or so, so I'll tweet Millsy with 'I'm standing in the dugout.'  Millsy'll come back with 'So am I!' And then we're on the floor laughing. I'll go back to him with 'I'm stuffing a massive wad of tobacco into my mouth.' And he tweets back, 'That's disgusting, you're killing yourself.' We just have so much fun with it."

Everyone on the team has been given a Blackberry, which they will put in holsters on the side of their pants, and between each pitch signals on whether to bunt, steal, hit and run, etc. will be relayed via Twitter. But on the first night of the new implementation, Francona couldn't resist having a little fun by playing a prank on Dustin Pedroia.  "Pedey's on second base, right there in the middle of the field, and I tweet him to pull his pants down," Francona explained, guffawing loudly.  "And he does it! Funniest thing you've ever seen!"

"We plan to speak to Terry about the proper use of Twitter," Theo Epstein explained, while sending a tweet to Francona that read, "Your job will be gone if you don't learn to tweet properly."
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