Call of the Green Monster

Michael Jackson was Scheduled to Sing at Birthday Party of Manny Ramirez

The news of the passing of Michael Jackson sent shockwaves throughout the world yesterday, and no one was more saddened than former Red Sox slugger, and confirmed steroid cheater, Manny Ramirez. As Manny left for LA yesterday after completing a minor league rehab, reporters informed him that Jackson was dead.

"Who's gonna sing at my birthday now?" Ramirez reportedly asked. "The guy has his own version of "Happy Birthday to You" all ready, man.  It was gonna be a crotch-grabbing, moonwalking, hee hee hee, Happy Birthday. Oh, man.  Luckily I got Liberace on speed dial, lemme see if he can do it."

Jackson and Ramirez met years ago at a Mentally Out of Touch Annonymous meeting. "We're both very misunderstood," Ramirez noted. "People think we're crazy just because of silly little things like hanging a child out a window or taking a leak in the Green Monster. Don't judge us dude."

Ramirez then walked away sadly, but turned around suddenly. "Wait a minute! Bubbles, man, he promised me Bubbles! I gotta have Bubbles at my party..."
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Francona and Mills Injured During Ill-Advised Post-Victory Chest Bump

After the Sox recent walkoff victory over the Braves, Terry Francona and Brad Mills--his bench coach and best friend--were particularly excited by the gutsy way the team had played, winning several consecutive series over some of baseball's best teams.  Call of the Green Monster has learned that before they ran out onto the field to congratulate the players, Francona and Mills eschewed their normal handshake, and instead leapt into the air for a celebratory chest bump.  It proved to be an ill-advised decision.

"Millsy's kind of a little bit stronger than me," Francona said, "and he bumped my chest pretty hard. My heart is hanging by shreads as it is, but it literally stopped beating for a couple of minutes before I hiccupped and it kicked back into gear." The situation got worse as Francona stumbled down the dugout steps, spitting out a massive wad of tobacco onto Mills's face. This caused Mills to fall back to the floor and Francona plopped down on top of him, accidentally driving his knee into Mill's groin. Mills was later informed he would never be able to have children again. "It was awful," Mills said, in an unusually high-pitched voice.

After an MRI revealed no structural damage, Francona had a temporary pacemaker put in, and is in a cast that extends from his navel to his shoulders. "Millsy and I held a meeting this morning to discuss our celebratory practices," Francona said, at time grunting slightly from the pain.  "We're going to stick to handshakes from now on."

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Manny, ARod Shocked to Hear of Sosa's Steroid Use

To most of the sporting world, the news that Sammy Sosa tested postive for performance-enhancing drugs was hardly earth-shattering news. In fact, it was greeted with a collective "Ya think?"  But confirmed steroid cheaters Manny Ramirez and Alex Rodriguez both reacted with shock yesterday when the news was relayed.

"Oh, man, lemme tell you, I didn't see that one coming at all, dude," Ramirez said, with a forced look of astonishment, while enjoying a Donald Duck festival on the Cartoon Channel. "Sammy? Man, there were no signs of that at all!  No big muscles, no big rise in homeruns, and no huge head.  I can't believe it, man.  Just when you think you know a guy, huh?""

ARod also expressed his astonishment. "As you know, I had just a brief dalliance with these substances," he said.  "It was part of a lifelong battle I've had with testosterone. But, my goodness, I was shocked to hear about Sammy, although I hardly know the man and have never seen him in person." ARod is known as a close friend of Sosa's, and has played against him several times.

"I can't believe all that's happened with these steroids, dude, it makes me sad," Ramirez lamented. "I mean, Sammy had that great homerun race with McGwire, everyone loved it. Next thing you know, people are gonna be accusing McGwire of using steroids!"

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Dice-K Missing: Sox Pitching Surplus Issue Solved

Terry Francona addressed the media at a hastily arranged press conference this morning and began by telling them he had good news and bad news.  The good news, he enthusiastically told them, was that the Red Sox surplus pitching issue had been solved and that John Smoltz would soon be joining the rotation.  “What’s the bad news?” he was asked.

“Oh yeah,” Francona replied.  “It…uh…kind of seems Dice-K is missing. We called the police this morning, but nobody can seem to find him.  They’ve checked all the flights to Japan, but he wasn’t on any of 'em.  I’m sure he’ll turn up somewhere.  The way he’s been pitching, he probably went out to drown his problems and had too much sake.  We’re checking every alley in town.”

But after the press conference, Call of the Green Monster’s crack security team immediately began an investigation.  The shocking result, revealed here as breaking news, is that former Sox pitcher and avid hunter and outdoorsman Mike Timlin, last night abducted Matsuzaka, believing he was doing an errand of mercy for the team.

“I love the Boston Red Sox and would do anything for them,” the at-times frighteningly intense Timlin told us from his secret bunker.  “I don’t believe a six-man rotation would work, so I’m holding Dice-K for now.  During the next few weeks we will be working on techniques that will help to make him less annoying to watch.  If he learns to forget the nibbling, control his good stuff, and stop putting people to sleep, I may let him return.  Until then…he’s mine.”

When informed of the situation, Theo Epstein shrugged.  “I was willing to give the six-man rotation a try, but the abduction and imprisonment idea isn’t a bad one either,” a pragmatic Epstein said.  “How ‘bout that Mikey Timlin?  Still out there battling for us!  I wouldn’t want to be on his bad side, I’ll tell you that."
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Red Sox and Yankees Wives Brawl During Charity Event

It is, without question, baseball’s greatest rivalry. The Red Sox and Yankees have waged momentous battles through the years that have led to exciting games, raucous fans, and, at times, even some storied fights on the field.  It is intense, it is a feud, and there is seemingly endless tension between the teams.

Yesterday, during a charity event sponsored by wives of Red Sox and Yankees players designed to promote world peace, an ugly brawl broke out between the two factions.  Apparently the wives of Jason Bay and Kevin Youkilis casually expressed their dismay at their husbands getting repeatedly plunked by cowardly Yankee pitchers.  This prompted the wife of CC Sabathia to lift a table and smash it over the wife of Terry Francona—who was with her elderly mother—and the melee was on.  Major League Baseball is investigating and suspensions and fines will follow.

Larry Lucchino, however, seemed somewhat amused by the situation.  “Meowww,” he said playfully when asked.  “Everyone loves a good catfight, and that was one of the best.  And the fact that my wife broke a tea cup over Teixeira’s wife’s head, more than made up for that loser signing with the Evil Empire.”

Major League Baseball also announced that warnings have been given, and that the next joint charity event, raising money to protect violence against women, will be under heavy security.  “It’s bad enough that we’ve got these two teams fighting all the time,” a beleaguered Bud Selig said.  “Now I’ve got to worry about their wives?”
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