Terry Francona addressed the media at a hastily arranged press conference this morning and began by telling them he had good news and bad news. The good news, he enthusiastically told them, was that the Red Sox surplus pitching issue had been solved and that John Smoltz would soon be joining the rotation. “What’s the bad news?” he was asked.
“Oh yeah,” Francona replied. “It…uh…kind of seems Dice-K is missing. We called the police this morning, but nobody can seem to find him. They’ve checked all the flights to Japan, but he wasn’t on any of 'em. I’m sure he’ll turn up somewhere. The way he’s been pitching, he probably went out to drown his problems and had too much sake. We’re checking every alley in town.”
But after the press conference, Call of the Green Monster’s crack security team immediately began an investigation. The shocking result, revealed here as breaking news, is that former Sox pitcher and avid hunter and outdoorsman Mike Timlin, last night abducted Matsuzaka, believing he was doing an errand of mercy for the team.
“I love the Boston Red Sox and would do anything for them,” the at-times frighteningly intense Timlin told us from his secret bunker. “I don’t believe a six-man rotation would work, so I’m holding Dice-K for now. During the next few weeks we will be working on techniques that will help to make him less annoying to watch. If he learns to forget the nibbling, control his good stuff, and stop putting people to sleep, I may let him return. Until then…he’s mine.”
When informed of the situation, Theo Epstein shrugged. “I was willing to give the six-man rotation a try, but the abduction and imprisonment idea isn’t a bad one either,” a pragmatic Epstein said. “How ‘bout that Mikey Timlin? Still out there battling for us! I wouldn’t want to be on his bad side, I’ll tell you that."
Follow Call of the Green Monster on Twitter at www.twitter.com/cotgm
Follow on Facebook here, or by searching Call of the Green Monster.
