On a recent sun-soaked evening, at Fenway Park, with blue skies all around, fans were mystified when, just before gametime, with alarming suddenness, black skies rolled in and it began to pour. A four-hour rain delay ensued, before the game was finally called off. A strange weather pattern? Not according to the National Weather Bureau.
“On the particular day in question, there was no rain in the area,” said meteorological source. “We can confirm that there was zero precipitation.” He confirmed that an investigation was underway, though hinted that it could be called off if free Red Sox tickets were offered.
“Well there might have been zero precipitation, but it sure rained like hell,” said Tom Werner, before being pushed out of the way by Larry Lucchino. “It’s a well known fact that there are very peculiar weather patterns at Fenway," Lucchino said, while showing some indecipherable diagrams of clouds surrounding the park. "The Green Monster, because of its height, has been known to trap certain weather systems passing by, and hence the rain delays we often run into. Believe me, they annoy me just as much as the fans. Of course, I retreat to my luxury box while fans get herded like sheep to the concessions.”
But later, after being coaxed to the Call of the Green Monster offices with promises of Johnny Walker Blue scotch—which, in fact, was merely a $1.99 bottle of Kappy’s Special poured into a stolen empty bottle of Johnny Walker Blue—Lucchino spilled to COTGM that, in fact, the Red Sox have devised a way to manufacture rain delays for their own purposes.
“We hired a first-rate architect to come in and devise a way for a canvas to be rolled out over the sky,” he cackled in a slurred voice. “Some of Boston’s finest painters then painted the stormy-sky backdrop, and sound technicians simulate crashing thunder. There are millions of tiny holes in the canvas, through which we hose in mass amounts of water. It’s my masterpiece! I created a rain delay. Doesn't that make me almost like God?”
Lucchino was then asked if perhaps his conscience would persuade him to end this unethical practice. “Hell no,” he said curtly. “We’re getting Giant Glass to be the official sponsor of rain delays at Fenway. Five hours, ten hours, hell, we’ll keep people overnight as long as they keep drinking our beers and eating our food. Now pour me some more of this fine scotch whiskey!”
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