Call of the Green Monster

Report: With Drastic Cuts to Sox’ Water Budget, Francona’s Saliva is Saving Fenway Grass

The slumping economy has hit everyone hard, and the Boston Red Sox are not immune.  While the team is trying to be careful on issues like payroll, they have slashed budgets in many departments.  One of the areas the team has had to cut back on is the huge amount of money budgeted to watering the fields several times a day.  When the cuts were made it was feared that the field would no longer feature the pristine beauty that makes it so striking.  But that has not happened.

“I know I often say that Terry Francona’s chewing habits may be the single most disgusting thing I have ever witnessed,” Larry Lucchino said recently, “but there is no doubt the saliva he hucks out during the hours he spends on the field has saved our grass.”

Director of Grounds Dave Mellor agrees.  “He’s been phenomenal, and can eject saliva at the speed and volume of an average sprinkler system,” Mellor stated.  “Tobacco, being essentially a waste product, works as a sort of fertilizer, and the various seeds and nuts and whatever else he chews and spits out all help the grass to thrive.  He’s our own little Mother Nature.”

Francona, meanwhile, says it’s all part of chipping in any way he can.  “When they told me how much it was helping, I kind of picked up the pace a little bit, and started slinging the spit in greater volume,” he said.  “I cover an awful lot of ground out on that field and if I can save us a few bucks by hucking a few extra loogies, hey, it’s my pleasure.”
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National Weather Bureau Exploring Allegations Sox Create Artificial Rain Delays to Boost Concessions

On a recent sun-soaked evening, at Fenway Park, with blue skies all around, fans were mystified when, just before gametime, with alarming suddenness, black skies rolled in and it began to pour.  A four-hour rain delay ensued, before the game was finally called off.  A strange weather pattern?  Not according to the National Weather Bureau.

“On the particular day in question, there was no rain in the area,” said meteorological source. “We can confirm that there was zero precipitation.”  He confirmed that an investigation was underway, though hinted that it could be called off if free Red Sox tickets were offered.

“Well there might have been zero precipitation, but it sure rained like hell,” said Tom Werner, before being pushed out of the way by Larry Lucchino.  “It’s a well known fact that there are very peculiar weather patterns at Fenway," Lucchino said, while showing some indecipherable diagrams of clouds surrounding the park.  "The Green Monster, because of its height, has been known to trap certain weather systems passing by, and hence the rain delays we often run into.  Believe me, they annoy me just as much as the fans. Of course, I retreat to my luxury box while fans get herded like sheep to the concessions.”

But later, after being coaxed to the Call of the Green Monster offices with promises of Johnny Walker Blue scotch—which, in fact, was merely a $1.99 bottle of Kappy’s Special poured into a stolen empty bottle of Johnny Walker Blue—Lucchino spilled to COTGM that, in fact, the Red Sox have devised a way to manufacture rain delays for their own purposes.

“We hired a first-rate architect to come in and devise a way for a canvas to be rolled out over the sky,” he cackled in a slurred voice.  “Some of Boston’s finest painters then painted the stormy-sky backdrop, and sound technicians simulate crashing thunder.  There are millions of tiny holes in the canvas, through which we hose in mass amounts of water.  It’s my masterpiece!  I created a rain delay. Doesn't that make me almost like God?”

Lucchino was then asked if perhaps his conscience would persuade him to end this unethical practice.  “Hell no,” he said curtly.  “We’re getting Giant Glass to be the official sponsor of rain delays at Fenway.  Five hours, ten hours, hell, we’ll keep people overnight as long as they keep drinking our beers and eating our food.  Now pour me some more of this fine scotch whiskey!”
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Smoltz Pitches to Six Cadavers in Next Step of Rehab Program

John Smoltz took the next step in his rehab program yesterday when he faced six propped-up cadavers in an outing in Florida.  After joking that the cadavers were all called out on strikes because they couldn't swing, Smoltz said the outing went well and that he is looking forward to facing live hitters next.

“The reports I heard were real good,” an encouraged Terry Francona said.  “It’s an important step to face an actual human being—albeit a dead one—when coming back from an injury. Facing dead guys first is important because, obviously, they don’t move at all, so the pitcher can really focus on his mechanics.  The only problem was that one of the cadavers was a 90 year old lady, so Smoltzy said that kind of spooked him a little bit.  He hit her on the chin with a heater, but luckily it's kind of past the point where it can do any damage.”

While some were shocked to hear that the Sox use cadavers to help rehabbing pitchers, GM Theo Epstein defended the practice.  “We consider the cadavers to be part of the Red Sox family from the moment we take them out of the freezer in the morning to the moment we tuck them away for the night,” Epstein said tenderly.  “Imagine, being an active part of a baseball team after you’ve died.  It’s a way to achieve immortality.”
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Sox Give Newcomer Daniel Bard Nickname of “Bardy”

Phenom pitcher Daniel Bard, who made his Major League debut Wednesday night, has already taken the important step of being given a nickname by the Red Sox.  “We went with Bardy, we kind of think it fits him real well,” Terry Francona explained to the media earlier today.  “Getting a proper nickname is such an important step when you’re starting a Major League career, so we’re real happy Bardy has gotten through this.  I was given the name “Franky” when I started my career as a player, and it never caught on.  I always thought that was a key factor to me having such a miserable career.”

Francona explained that there was some internal discussion at high-management level during which “Bardo” was also considered as a possible nickname.  An earlier suggestion, “The Bardster,” was briefly considered and then dismissed.  “John Henry then suggested 'Danny Boy,'" Francona noted, "but he was kind of shouted down by Werner and Lucchino.”

Francona was then asked how Bard responded after a very successful debut.  “Well, I was a lot more concerned with getting the nickname out the way, to be honest ya,” he said.  “But yeah, pitching two shutout innings during a close game in your MLB debut was pretty good too.”
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Ominous Overtones: Hank Steinbrenner Suggests Cashman Get His Will in Order

 As the Yankees dropped to a disgraceful 15-17 record last night, Hank Steinbrenner today relayed some disturbing words to GM Brian Cashman.  “Brian and I talked this morning,” Steinbrenner told reporters, “and I told him that now is a time to think of his family, get his will in order, and plan for their future, a future that unfortunately will not include him.”

The media immediately questioned Steinbrenner as to why the future would not include Cashman.  Was he being fired?  Or something worse?  “No, Brian is not being fired,” he explained. “He is, however, being lined up to take the blame for everything that’s gone wrong with the franchise, including my stupid decision to spend half a billion dollars on two mediocre pitchers, and a first baseman who’s hitting .190.”

Still the question loomed as to what exactly was the fate Steinbrenner had in mind for Cashman. “Look Brian’s not a bad person,” he said.  “He’s kind of an annoying little twerp, but not a bad person.  Let’s just say he’s going away, hopefully to a better place. It will be done in a humane, and respectful way, as painlessly as possible.  I might add that I’m having breakfast will Joe Girardi.  I will be counseling Joe on his future—on this earth—as well. The Yankees will win, even if I have to sacrifice everyone in the organization—except me.”
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