Call of the Green Monster

Francona Focused on “Must Win” Boston College Game

 For most, it’s a meaningless exhibition game, a traditional way to start off Spring Training and to give local college kids the once-in-a-lifetime chance to compete against the hometown team.  But listen to hyperactive, ultra-competitive Terry Francona, the opening Spring Training game against Boston College will set the tone for the entire season, and the nervous manager is feeling the pressure.

“We gotta win that game, fellas, lemme tell ya’,” Francona told the assembled media yesterday.  “I been scouting them for weeks, watching video, studying all their tendencies.  I know those kids better than my own kids.  They’re tough as hell, and if we’re not completely on our game, we’re gonna get our butts handed to us.  I might have Beckett go nine innings.”

When apprised, Theo Epstein shook his head.  “If Josh goes more than two innings for any early Spring Training game, Terry will be the first managerial casualty of the year,” the GM said. “On average, we’ve beaten Boston College by 15 runs, not that I give a rat’s ass about the game.  We’ve just gotta get Tito calmed down.  He goes through intense baseball withdrawal during the offseason.”

“If Jacoby gets on, he’s gonna steal second and third, and then we’ll squeeze him in,” Francona speculated, as the bored media walked away.  “We gotta get ahead of the Eagles early or we’re in trouble.  The tape shows they’re tough to come back on.  Holy Cross fell behind 1-0 on ‘em, and never had a chance after that.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Exclusive: Remaining 103 Steroid Abusers All from Yankees

As the baseball world reels from the news that Alex Rodriguez’s name is on a list of 104 players who tested positive for steroids in 2003, Call of the Green Monster has uncovered even more shocking information. Our investigation has revealed that the remaining 103 players on the list are all New York Yankees.

“The Yankee dynasty evidently has more than a few cracks in it...or puncture wounds as the case may be,” said a beaming Larry Lucchino, who, rather than being saddened at another black eye for baseball, seemed instead to be positively giddy. “Right now Hank Steinbrenner and Cashman are trying to find someone…anyone…who played for the Yankees for the past 10 years and didn’t use steroids!”

Call of the Green Monster’sinvestigation reveals a team with such an intense steroid culture that even janitors and maintenance workers were regularly injected. “It was important for us to promote the Yankee brand of strength, even obscene, bloated, grotesque strength,” said a Yankees official. “In order to do this, everyone had to be on the juice. Heck, no one was more ‘roided up than old George.  That guy is cut.”

Meanwhile, the Yankees organization is prepared to deal with the inevitable media onslaught.  “We are busy preparing for 103 tearful apologies,” the Yankees official explained.  “We also hired a public relations firm that specializes in making people look contrite and helpingthem cry on cue.  They did miracles with ARod.  The guy has absolutely no conscience and even he looked sorry!”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Despite Published Reports, ARod Denies Having Any Testosterone

It was, truly, a bombshell.  Sports Illustrated released the blockbuster story on Saturday that Alex Rodriguez, widely considered the best player in baseball—as well as its premier choke artist—had tested positive for an anabolic steroid known as Primobolan as well as testosterone. This morning, in a press conference to address the charges, ARod seemed to particularly take umbrage at the charge of using testosterone.

“It is simply offensive to imagine anyone associating me with testosterone,” a defiant ARod told the press. “I will produce a long list of doctors all willing to testify that I am completely testosterone free…not a drop of the stuff in my entire body. I’m a purse-wearing, mascara-using, testosterone-free chap, and don't you forget it. Come, come now, do you really think of testosterone when you think of ARod?”

Teammate Derek Jeter simply shook his head when asked about the ARod situation.  “Short of having a love child with Liza Minelli,” he said, “is there anything more this guy can do to humiliate himself? I heard Teixeira's been on the phone with the Red Sox, seeing if there’s any way he can get the hell out of New York.

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

 

Truck Filled with Terry Francona’s Tobacco Heads Off to Spring Training

Red Sox workers toiled through the night last night to load up over one ton of tobacco, which is headed to Terry Francona’s office at Spring Training.  “It’s coming out of his paycheck,” said a disgusted Larry Lucchino as he watched the bins of tobacco loaded in.  “This should last that nervous maniac about a week.”

When confronted with the story, Francona denied that he was having mass amounts of tobacco delivered to him.  “Are you kidding, I stopped chewing years ago,” the skipper said, in a voice muffled by an apparent obstruction in his mouth.  “For the past few weeks I’ve working on a big wad of cookie dough.  Put in a few squirts of Tabasco sauce for flavor. That stuff is fabulous, lemme tell ya, much better than the hard-boiled eggs I was chewing.  You hardly have to spit either. Also, it doesn’t eat away at the tissues of your mouth like tobacco. Tobacco? What a disgusting habit that is.”

“There’s not a man in America with higher cheek capacity than Francona, and that cheek is always full of tobacco,” Lucchino said, when apprised of Francona’s denial.  “He says he doesn’t chew?  Then why did I have to throw away six pairs of pants last year after he soaked them with that tobacco juice he hucks all over the place? Hell, I wearing a raincoat in his office now. The guy chews in his sleep for cripes sake. The thought of another season of him rocking back and forth on the bench, stuffing his mouth well beyond capacity, putting tobacco and bubblegum in his hand and then his mouth…oh man, it makes me want to barf.”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Hank Steinbrenner: I Will Cut Off Cashman’s Right Thumb if We Don’t Win World Series

A fiery Hank Steinbrenner apparently was not willing to wait until the season started before handing out violent threats to his general manager. Steinbrenner held a press conference yesterday stating that Brian Cashman needs to deliver a World Series Championship this year…or forfeit his right thumb. 

“The moment we are eliminated from winning the World Series--with ARod no doubt striking out and batting .022--I will come after that little twerp with the sharpest knife you’ve ever seen and I will personally cut off his right thumb,” Steinbrenner ranted.  “I’m very serious about this. We bid against ourselves and spent a ridiculous amount of money to get the best players here, and somebody has to pay if things don’t go right.  It sure as hell won’t be me, even though the spending was my idea.”

Being tortured is nothing new to Cashman. George Steinbrenner spent many years researching and fine-tuning his torture techniques on Cashman.  At various times the embattled GM has been hung by his toes, threatened by wild animals, forced to stay in a catcher's squat for hours at a time and, perhaps most unspeakably, locked in a room with Alex Rodriguez.

“I know we’ll find a way to choke, but losing my thumb isn’t the end of the world,” a rather subdued Cashman reasoned. He held up his left hand, to reveal a missing thumb. “There’s a reason Hank is specifying my right thumb.  His Dad got the left one when we dropped Game Seven to the Red Sox in 2004.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com