Call of the Green Monster

Clemens Instructs Lawyer to Prepare Controversial "Pinocchio Defense"

As an indictment on perjury charges seems more and more inevitable, disgraced pitcher and colossal nitwit Roger Clemens has huddled with lawyer Rusty Hardin to discuss legal strategy.  After insisting that Hardin not use any “big words” in explaining Clemens’ legal predicament to him, Clemens then instructed Hardin to use the “Pinocchio Defense” in arguing his innocence. 

“It’s true, we will be using the Pinocchio line of defense,” Hardin explained to Call of the Green Monster, while enjoying a plate of gristle in a local Houston restaurant.  “We will argue that Roger’s nose did not grow one bit bigger during all the time he was telling these alleged lies.  We will introduce extensive medical records to back up this defense. It’s a well-known fact, proven in the timeless Pinocchio film, that lying is always accompanied by nose growth.  Since his nose remains unchanged, Roger is innocent.”

Indeed, Hardin has hired Houston’s foremost nose expert to testify on Clemens’ behalf.  “There has been no significant growth to Roger’s nose,” said Dr. Ryne O. Plasty.  “I’ve treated pathological liars who have honkers three feet long.  In examining his nose, it is my determination that Roger is a very honest man.”

Hardin, meanwhile, seems quite content with the defense.  “As I’ve always said: if the nose won’t grow, the perjury charges go,” he exclaimed, while hucking out a tremendous gush of tobacco juice that caught in a backdraft and blew back onto his suit.

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

In Historic Inauguration Speech, Obama Vows to Unite Nation Against Yankees

  In a startling turn of events, President Barack Obama turned what was an eloquent and inspiring inaugural speech into a stinging and menacing diatribe against the New York Yankees.  It is already being regarded as the most well-received speech in presidential history.

“While we may have our differences in this great country,” Obama stated, “we are united in our absolute revulsion and disgust for everything that the New York Yankees stand for.  To the Yankees we say: this nation will unite to rise up against you as you pathetically try to bring glory to that stinking cesspool of a new ballpark you built in the pit of the universe known as The Bronx.  We have one message and one message only for the New York Yankees: We hate you.”

While some were stunned by the sudden turn in the speech, listeners were generally thrilled with the comments.  Hank Steinbrenner, however, seemed to be completely unfazed by Obama's speech.  "He talked about things like compassion, hope, and change," Steinbrenner said. "I don't believe in those things.  I believe in treating people like replaceable parts, living in a state of perpetual despair, and continuing to make the same mistakes over and over again. It's the Yankee way."

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Penny Warns Boston Media to Stop Making Corny Headlines Out of His Name

  A Penny Saved; Penny For Your Thoughts; Costs a Pretty Penny…New Red Sox pitcher Brad Penny has already seen enough corny headlines with his name in them to last a lifetime.  Yesterday, a feisty Penny called a press conference to warn members of the Boston media to stop playing games with his name and to cut out the corny headlines.

“Don’t you people understand, this is my name?” Penny ranted, a menacing tone to his voice.  “This isn't some kind of game, it's my family heritage for crying out loud. You guys are sitting around like it's some kind of hobby to see what bizarre twists on my name you can come up with.  Well, I want it to stop.  There better be a change!”

“Hey, change, get it?” said a media member.  “Hey guys, Penny just made change!” As the media began a “Penny made change” chant, Penny could be seen turning red with anger.

“This is what I mean!” he shouted. “You guys better wise up.”

“Penny wise, pound foolish!” another writer chimed in.

“All right, that’s…”

“Hey Brad, is your aunt know as Penny ante?”

“I’m…”

“Don’t anyone pinch Brad, or they’ll call you a penny pincher!”

At this, Penny stepped off the podium and looked to a sympathetic Theo Epstein.

“That’s why I don’t tell the media anything,” a stoic-looking Epstein said.

“Get me out of here, Theo,” Penny replied.  “Send me back to L.A. where the media couldn’t care less about baseball.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Red Sox to Play Winter Game at Fenway

  Outdoor hockey has become all the rage.  The NHL had its latest success holding a Chicago Blackhawks game at a filled-to-capacity Wrigley Field, in what was widely hailed as a triumph for the league.  Many have said that holding a hockey game at Fenway Park would be a natural, and both the Bruins and Boston College have been mentioned as possible headliners.  But the Red Sox, not wanting to let the spotlight shine on anyone else, have quietly trumped all by moving up Opening Day from April 6 to February 6 and announcing that the first outdoor winter game ever in Major League Baseball will be played at Fenway Park.

“Button up your overcoat…” sang an ebullient John Henry, at the announcement of the Fenway Winter Classic.  “We couldn’t be more thrilled about this.  Some might be worried about players being outdoors in such frigid weather, but I can tell you it’s quite invigorating and helps to raise one’s consciousness.  As I boy I would often immerse myself naked in icy lakes to evolve my inner self to a higher level.”

An impatient Larry Lucchino interrupted Henry, saying, “Thanks John, but for those of us living on Planet Earth, we’re just looking forward to the game.  We intend to leave the snow on the field to heighten the excitement.  I can’t imagine anything more enthralling than sitting in below-freezing temperatures watching a baseball game.  Now, of course, I won’t be doing that because I’ll be in my heated luxury box, but the fans will love it. Let it snow!”

Major League Baseball has indicated that the game will proceed regardless of the conditions.  “We’ve booked national t.v. time for this game, with loads of sponsors,” Bud Selig said.  “I don’t care if it’s the friggin’ blizzard of ’78 times two, they’re playing.  Henry and Lucchino would sell their mothers for a nickel, and this is just another crazy money-making scheme of theirs.”

Lucchino said he has no problems with the game being played in inclement weather.  “The game will be sold out well in advance, so who the hell cares if it snows?” he said.  “Could you imagine the movement on Beckett’s fastball in a raging blizzard?  No one will touch him!”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Report: Red Sox Intend to be Entirely Japanese by 2015

The arrival of Daisuke Matsuzaka in Boston two years ago was historic in that it marked the first time the Sox brought a Japanese player over from Japan to pitch on the big league club.  They were willing to invest $51 million simply to negotiate with the star pitcher.  In adding reliever Hideki Okajima, the Sox sent a clear message that they would be fully invested in the Japanese market, seeing it as a prudent way to get high-quality potential at a reasonable price.  They have since signed additional Japanese prospects, and recently added former Dodgers pitcher Takashi Saito.

While this has been viewed as sound business by most observers, Call of the Green Monsterhas dug beneath the surface to learn that the Red Sox secretly intend to field an entirely Japanese team by the year 2015.  Upon being threatened to have a childhood nickname revealed, Theo Epstein reluctantly admitted to COTGM that the story was true.  “It’s all part of our strategy to land high-potential players at a fair market value,” he explained.  “By fielding an entirely Japanese team, we can keep payroll low and still be quite competitive.  And, we’ll have an inside track on all the best sushi joints in town!"  Epstein cackled uproariously at his own joke.  “The plans also frees us up to bid on a high-profile free agent at some point…that is until the Yankees come along and outbid us.”

John Henry confirmed that Epstein’s plan is indeed the plan for the organization. “What Theo doesn’t yet know is that not only do we aim to have every big league player and every player in our minor league systems be Japanese—but every executive as well.  Which means that the little twerp will be looking for work come 2015. But he doesn’t need to know that until he fully stocks our team with Japanese players.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com