With Teixeira Signed, Hank Steinbrenner Hopes Red Sox Fans Have “Perfectly Miserable Christmas”
It is the horror of horrors for Red Sox fans. The free agent fans so coveted and seemingly had, is lost when the Yankees swoop in at the last minute and drastically overpay to sign him. Instead of having the good news of landing Mark Teixeira before Christmas, Sox fans have to swallow humble pie and look to drown their sorrows.
“To all Red Sox fans, I have a song: Have yourselves a lousy little Christmas,” a particularly vile, mean-spirited Hank Steinbrenner sang when the signing was announced. “Like the Who’s in Whoville, their Christmas presents have been taken away—only we’re not the Grinch, we’re the mighty New York Yankees--0-for-the-century and buying our way out of it. I hope all Red Sox fans have a perfectly miserable Christmas.” Steinbrenner then announced he was giving all non-essential staff Christmas day off.
Meanwhile the Red Sox, desperate for a splash signing after losing the biggest name on the market, have contacted a leading public relations firm to hash out plans to inform the public that Manny Ramirez was never any problem and that it was all a misunderstanding.
“That’s right, we’re signing Manny,” Theo Epstein said after taking a long pull on a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. His expression turned particularly dark and grim. “Every day Manny was here was a joy. He’s…uh…a wonderful human being. We never wanted Teixiera, we wanted Manny back all along.”
