Call of the Green Monster

Exclusive: Yankees Laid Off 50 Janitors on Christmas Eve to Help Finance Free Agent Signings

A shocking revelation comes from the Yankees front office, as Call of the Green Monsterhas learned that Hank Steinbrenner fired 50 janitors— long employed by the Yankees and making less than minimum wage—on Christmas Eve to help finance the signing bonus given to free agents C.C. Sabathia, Mark Teixeira, and A.J. Burnett.  When approached, Steinbrenner made no attempt to deny the report.

“We’re a business,” Steinbrenner said, “and while most of those guys have been with us for more than twenty years, the bottom line is they’ve expendable. Hell, they can live just fine on boiling water and ketchup—makes a lovely tomato soup, I’m told. Yes, their salaries are pretty pathetic, but pooled together we can take a bite out of the signing bonuses that idiot Cashman gave to those free agents.  For crying out loud, Sabathia gets more money than God and an opt-out clause, and we give him a bonus as well?”

Steinbrenner went on to say that the Yankees are looking within the organization to see who else they can exploit to help fund their lavish contracts.  “Secretaries, employees nearing retirement, younger guys with families…they’re all potential targets,” he said.  “We’ve already spent nearly a half of a billion dollars on three players.  It’s just a fact of life with the Yankees: the less fortunate pay the price while the rich get richer.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

With Teixeira Signed, Hank Steinbrenner Hopes Red Sox Fans Have “Perfectly Miserable Christmas”

It is the horror of horrors for Red Sox fans.  The free agent fans so coveted and seemingly had, is lost when the Yankees swoop in at the last minute and drastically overpay to sign him.  Instead of having the good news of landing Mark Teixeira before Christmas, Sox fans have to swallow humble pie and look to drown their sorrows.

“To all Red Sox fans, I have a song: Have yourselves a lousy little Christmas,” a particularly vile, mean-spirited Hank Steinbrenner sang when the signing was announced.  “Like the Who’s in Whoville, their Christmas presents have been taken away—only we’re not the Grinch, we’re the mighty New York Yankees--0-for-the-century and buying our way out of it. I hope all Red Sox fans have a perfectly miserable Christmas.” Steinbrenner then announced he was giving all non-essential staff Christmas day off.

Meanwhile the Red Sox, desperate for a splash signing after losing the biggest name on the market, have contacted a leading public relations firm to hash out plans to inform the public that Manny Ramirez was never any problem and that it was all a misunderstanding.

“That’s right, we’re signing Manny,” Theo Epstein said after taking a long pull on a bottle of Jack Daniel’s.  His expression turned particularly dark and grim.  “Every day Manny was here was a joy.  He’s…uh…a wonderful human being. We never wanted Teixiera, we wanted Manny back all along.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Boras Panicking as All Teams Pull Out of Teixeira Hunt

A panicking Scott Boras took to the phones with a fury this morning after he realized there were no longer any teams left pursuing pricy free agent Mark Teixeira. Last week, the Red Sox announced they were ""no longer a factor.  Yesterday, the Angels followed suit.  And, Call of the Green Monster has learned that the Nationals, Orioles, and Yankees all decided this morning that they, too, would pull out of the Teixeira sweepstakes.  This means that there are no teams left in baseball interested in signing Teixeira.

In a desperation move, Teixeira, who previously said he would like to reach a decision by Christmas, immediately announced that he was moving the decision day up to Easter. “There’s no law that says I have to sign with a team before the season starts,” he commented.  “I want to take my time, and land the best deal possible.  Besides, I'm way behind on Christmas shopping and don't have time for the press conferences you've gotta go through when you sign with a team."

Meanwhile Boras was doing what he does best: fabricating rumors about other teams’ interest in his player. “Oh, there are many teams still interested,” he said earnestly, nose quivering and jutting outward a few inches with his lie.  “We have a firm offer of $35 million a year for twelve years, but we’re going to wait it out and see how the market shapes up. And no, I'm not going to tell you what team it is.”

Meanwhile, Boras’s message seemed to get Hank Steinbrenner’s attention.  Sources told COTGM that Steinbrenner screamed out “Cashman, get in here!” at the news of Boras’s statement.  “We can get Teixeira for $35 million a year for twelve years!  This would move me closer to my fantasy—baseball-related fantasy, that is—of having a payroll of over a billion dollars. Get Boras on the phone, son, we’re bidding against ourselves again and nobody does it better!”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com