A panicking Scott Boras took to the phones with a fury this morning after he realized there were no longer any teams left pursuing pricy free agent Mark Teixeira. Last week, the Red Sox announced they were ""no longer a factor. Yesterday, the Angels followed suit. And, Call of the Green Monster has learned that the Nationals, Orioles, and Yankees all decided this morning that they, too, would pull out of the Teixeira sweepstakes. This means that there are no teams left in baseball interested in signing Teixeira.
In a desperation move, Teixeira, who previously said he would like to reach a decision by Christmas, immediately announced that he was moving the decision day up to Easter. “There’s no law that says I have to sign with a team before the season starts,” he commented. “I want to take my time, and land the best deal possible. Besides, I'm way behind on Christmas shopping and don't have time for the press conferences you've gotta go through when you sign with a team."
Meanwhile Boras was doing what he does best: fabricating rumors about other teams’ interest in his player. “Oh, there are many teams still interested,” he said earnestly, nose quivering and jutting outward a few inches with his lie. “We have a firm offer of $35 million a year for twelve years, but we’re going to wait it out and see how the market shapes up. And no, I'm not going to tell you what team it is.”
Meanwhile, Boras’s message seemed to get Hank Steinbrenner’s attention. Sources told COTGM that Steinbrenner screamed out “Cashman, get in here!” at the news of Boras’s statement. “We can get Teixeira for $35 million a year for twelve years! This would move me closer to my fantasy—baseball-related fantasy, that is—of having a payroll of over a billion dollars. Get Boras on the phone, son, we’re bidding against ourselves again and nobody does it better!”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com
