Call of the Green Monster

Francona Institutes Controversial "English Only" Policy for Clubhouse

A deeply stressed Terry Francona told Call of the Green Monster yesterday that he has grown tired of the many different languages spoken by Red Sox players and believes it has impacted his ability to manage. “I just can’t keep up with all these languages,” he said with a deep sigh. “Dice-K and Oki speak two different dialects of Japanese, Beckett fires so many F-bombs I can never understand what he’s actually saying, you got all the guys speaking Spanish, and, when he was here,you got whatever the hell language Manny spoke—I thought it was Spanish but the Latin guys say they can’t understand him either. Not to mention, I can’t understand half the guys speaking English here. It's too much stress.”
��������� An exasperated Francona finally called a team meeting saying that only English would be allowed in the clubhouse. “I’m tired of all these translators and one Latino guy trying to explain to me what another guy is saying…no more! It’s tough enough managing in Boston with the newspaper nitwits and talk-radio morons. I told the guys: Clearly spoken English with no slang or expressions that confuse me.”
��������� Foreign players on the team were scrambling to bookstores to buy English-speaking tapes, while others looked for crash courses to take. Dice K, meanwhile, sat quietly by his locker, humming a Japanese folk tune. How did he feel about the new policy? "“That Francona guy, I can never understand a word he’s saying,"he said in struggling English. "Speak the language, man!”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Manny Thoroughly Confused About Trade

“So,” began Manny Ramirez as he sat in Joe Torre’s office after yesterday’s Dodgers game, “this has been fun out here this weekend.”
           “Good, Manny, good,” said Torre as he sipped some tea.
           “But, I gotta tell you, I’m very confused, dude.  Why am I out here?”
           “You were traded, Manny, remember.”
            “Yeah, I remember…but I guess I’m a little confused about that,” Manny said.  “When am I going back to the Red Sox?  Do you the hits I got this weekend count for the Red Sox?  Should I be catching a plane to Kansas City, will I…
           “Manny,” said a sympathetic Torre, “this is for the rest of year, then you’re a free agent.  You’re done with the Red Sox.  It’s over.”
           “Done with the Red Sox? Over?” Manny said, and then began laughing.  “No, dude, it’s not over.  This was just Manny being Manny again.  Me causing problems.  Me acting like a 10-year-old brat.  Don’t you know what happens?  Everybody on the Red Sox gets mad at me, and then they forget about it. I get away with it every time.  So when do I go back?”
           “Not this time, son.  You’re a Dodger for the rest of the season—then you’re on your own.”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Emotional Manny Wants to Come Back to Red Sox

 Just a few minutes after Manny Ramirez learned he had been traded to the Los Angeles Dodgers, he held a party at his condo, complete with a salsa band, elephant rides for the kids, and an indoor Ferris wheel.  “Oh, I’m so happy!!!” he sang to the music as he danced through the rooms.  Then he stopped and asked a close friend, “Who’d they give up with me?”
           Manny was then informed that in addition to himself, Craig Hansen and Brandon Moss had been shipped to Pittsburg.  But when he was told that the Red Sox would be paying the remainder of his salary, a wide-eyed Ramirez stood in shock.  “Stop the party, cut the salsa music, and get the dancing girls outta here—kids, close your eyes,” Ramirez shouted.  He paused for a moment trying to control his emotion, as tear brimmed in his eyes.  “Did you just tell me that the Boston Red Sox are going to pay my salary for the rest of the year?  Oh my goodness!  Lemme tell you, that’s unconditional love for you, dude.  That’s the best people I ever knew, man.  They love me, they really love me.  Paying me to play for another team!”
           Ramirez then went on an ugly tirade expressing his dislike for Dodger management, and threatening violence against club officials.  “The way they treated me, they don’t deserve me.  I’m sick of them.”  When reminded that he hadn’t yet met Dodger management, Ramirez shoved his friend to the ground.
           “Lemme tell you, I demand to go back to the team I love, the Boston Red Sox.  I think now they deserve me.  Now put the salsa music back on and let’s get dancin’.  I love you Boston Red Sox.  I’ll be with you forever!”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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