Call of the Green Monster

Joba Chamberlain Claims He’s Just Seeing How Close He Can Come to Youkilis’s Head

Although Red Sox fans are irate at the fact that cowardly lion Yankee pitcher Joba Chamberlain has thrown behind the head of Kevin Youkilis at least three times over the past year, Chamberlain yesterday told COTGM that he has no ill intent in the actions.
           “It’s really become a curiosity issue with me,” Chamberlain said.  “I came close to hitting him in the head the first time in Yankee Stadium.  I felt bad, but it was kind of cool coming so close.  So I did it again to see if I could come closer.  Then it got kind of addictive.  Now, I want to see if I can hit a hair on his head without actually hitting his skull.  But heck, I don't want to hurt the man.”
           When informed of the news, Youkilis seemed relieved.  “Well, if he’s just trying to see how close he can come—but not actually hit me—I guess I have no problem with that,” the embattled first baseman replied calmly.  “I mean when he’d thrown at my head, like, four times, I was thinking, you know, it might be time to charge the mound or something--or throw the bat at his head.  But if he’s just having a little fun, hey, it’s a long season.  Blow off some steam.  I'll give him a call, and maybe we can meet for coffee."
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Ben Kingsley Set to Star in “The Terry Francona Story”

        It is projected to be one of the biggest films of our time.  Paramount Pictures has bought the rights to produce “The Terry Francona Story,” which will be released in theaters across the world sometime next year.  Yesterday, it was announced that Academy Award winning actor Ben Kingsley will play the starring role.
          “It is an honor and a privilege to play Terry,” Kinglsey told Call of the Green Monster.  “I’ve been stuffing my cheek with tobacco and bubblegum around the clock, practicing repeatedly taking my hat on and off, spitting seeds like a machine gun, and I’ve got that rocking motion he does on the bench down to perfection.  I even met with Millsey the other day to get some background information on his friend.  And, Terry’s been great. He’s a big fan.”
           Indeed, Francona, who openly admits he has no interest in anything in life other than baseball, said that he recently rented a bunch of Kingsley’s films.  “The one I liked the best was “Sexy Beast,” ‘cause that kinda reminds me of myself a little bit,” he said, actually with a straight face.  “I’m a happily married guy, but when you manage two World Champion teams, you’re fighting off the babes constantly.”    Francona’s players were laughing hysterically in the background upon hearing this.  “Ghandi,” he continued, “I couldn’t sit through that ‘cause it’s so long, and I had no idea what it was about.  But overall I think Benny will do a great job.  It'll be tough for him to get down all the nuances and subtleties of my personality, but he’ll be okay.”
          “It’s the easiest role of my career,” Kingsley said flatly.  “If I can learn to chew humongous wads of tobacco, spit like a hyperactive squirrel, and repeatedly slap guys on the ass, I’ll be fine.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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ARod Admits to Using Brylcreem

Another ARod bombshell has hitthe Yankees just as they come to town to play the Red Sox, as Call of the Green Monsterconfronted ARod with the accusation that the star uses Brylcreem to maintain is hair.
            “I do and I’m proud of it,” ARod confirmed.  “It gives me that little extra bounce I love. I will also be the first to go on record as saying that the legend is true: a little dab really will do ya’.”  His teammates tried to hide their embarrassment, but several players admitted to COTGM that they frequently see ARod putting a little dab of white substance into his hair.
           “He’s must be the only human being—and I use that term loosely--on earth still using that stuff,” Derek Jeter said.  “We don’t need this.  All weekend those fans are going to be wearing Madonna masks and ripping out every Madonna and Kabballah bit there is.  It's gonna be merciless. Can we please get rid of this clown and just play baseball?”
           Meanwhile ARod could be seen prancing through the field at Fenway, singing the Brylcreem theme song.  Jason Varitek smiled wickedly as he watched.  “Oh, is it going to be a tough weekend for him.  Brylcreem boy might have to get paid back for Chamberlain throwing at Youk.  And wait ‘till the fans get to him.  Tears are a definite possibility.

 bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Report: No Redeeming Qualities to Hank Steinbrenner

A Call of the Green Monsterthree-month undercover investigation of Yankee boss Hank Steinbrenner has led to the conclusion that Hank has no socially redeeming qualities as a human being.  Worse for Yankees fans, Hank’s baseball IQ is lower than many toddlers who attend Yankees games.
           COTGM learned that Steinbrenner spent much of his childhood in his closet.  COTGM learned that Hank’s only childhood friend was a spider that he struck up an acquaintance with while in the closet.  Months later he squashed the spider during an altercation.  Later in his childhood, his father, George, sent him to reform school for no apparent reason—though he said it was to teach the boy character.  “I didn’t want to do it,” the old man commented, “but I felt I owed it to him.  When I see how despicable he is now, I can’t help but feel mighty proud.”  Hank says reform school was his warmest childhood memory.
           During the three months that COTGM followed Steinbrenner, we witnessed him randomly taking toys away from children attending the game, putting arsenic in his neighbor’s puppy’s bowl, taking money away from the homeless, and stealing groceries from his mother’s refrigerator.  He also seems to enjoy locking his door and putting on a clown outfit, but COTGM decided not to pursue this matter.
           “It is true, he has nothing redeeming about him at all,” said an anonymous source, brother Hal Steinbrenner.  “Think of the Grinch before he heard all the Who’s singing on Christmas day…Hank’s worse than that.  No heart.  And at least the Grinch gave back the presents he stole from the kids.”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Sox Urge Lugo to Take as Long as Possible with Injury

The compassion of the Boston Red Sox management has never been more evident than with the recent manner in which they have handled the injury to Julio Lugo’s torn quad. Instead of trying to rush the player back, they have urged him to treat the injury with plenty of tender loving care and to take as much time—if not more—than necessary to insure proper healing.
           “We want to make sure he’s completely healthy before he comes back,” said a concerned Terry Francona.  “We’ll miss him, but I think he should take a long, long, long, time and make sure he’s 100%.”  Larry Lucchino is in complete agreement.  “My research indicates that this injury could keep him out of action for the rest of this season, and the next two years,” he said reflectively.  “Now, coincidentally, that would be when his contract ends, but when do the Red Sox ever think about money?  We want what’s best for the player.  We want him off the field, way off the field…uh…until he’s completely healthy.”
           A deeply moved Lugo said his heart has been touched by the kindness of the Red Sox, though he is a bit confused by it.  “They want Big Papi back as soon as possible, and yet with me, they say I’m so valuable that they want me to take a long time--a reallylong time--to heal,” he said.  “Wow, dude. That's true love right there. I knew I was good, but more valuable than Papi?  I told Francona, I’m so touched, I’ll be back in August.”
           “And I told him, no you won’t,” Francona said adamantly.  “Sit back, relax, take good, loooong, rest.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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