Call of the Green Monster

COTGM Exclusive: Remy Tried to Sell Jerry Remy Night to Highest Bidder

It was a nice ceremony the other night at Fenway Park when the Red Sox honored analyst and multi-billionaire salesman Jerry Remy for 20 years of broadcasting the Red Sox.  But Call of the Green Monsterhas learned that Remy, who has been warned about inappropriate selling of products before, actually tried to sell Jerry Remy Night to the highest bidder, and only last minute intervention prevented an embarassment.
                     “Yeah, I did it, what’s the big deal,” Remy said with a casual shrug when confronted with the information.  “Having a ceremony means nothing to me, doesn’t put a dime in my pocket.  So I put a notice on my website that the highest bidder could have the night switched to their name.  I mean, do people actually think there’s something wrong with that?”
           Tom Werner, Chairman of the Red Sox and brainchild of the event apparently thought so.  “He came to me that afternoon, and just drops this bombshell on me that it’s now going to be Fred Davis Night because he sold it to him,” an exasperated Werner said.  “I’m telling you, Remy has a problem.  We gave Fred Davis two monster seats and all the beer he could drink, and he dropped the whole thing.”
           Remy remained unrepentant.  “Listen, I’d sell Orsillo in a heartbeat if I could,” he said, and then paused thoughtfully for a moment.  “I don’t think I’d get much for him, but hell, it’s worth a try.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Beckett Vows to Clean Up His Language

To say that Josh Beckett is a high intensity individual would be an understatement.  If Josh has a bad outing, you would be well advised to keep your puppy out of his way for fear of its life. A large part of his high-intensity make-up includes his frequent profane tirades, which often come with little provocation.  His post-game press conferences are so replete with f-bombs that, once edited, there is little to actually quote him on. Even when leading a team pre-game prayer earlier this season, Beckett needed to be calmed by teammates and reminded that f-bombs might not be proper way to address the Almighty.
           Last night, Beckett for the first time seemed somewhat remorseful when reminded of his foul language.  “There’s no excuse for it,” he said, lip trembling while tears welled in his eyes.  “The English language is such a beautiful thing.  When spoken well, words flow like pure poetry.   And here I go soiling things with my awful language.  Well, I’m going to change.  And I’m going to put my money where my mouth is.”  He thus launched a program “F-bombs for the Jimmy Fund” by which he will donate $1,000 for every such expletive that he speaks.
           “From a charity standpoint, this is a wonderful idea for Josh,” said Larry Lucchino.  “But, having heard the guy visit elementary schools and having to be asked to leave, it’s going to be hard on his wallet.”
            When Curt Schilling heard of the program, he asked Josh if he would donate some of the money to Curt’s Pitch for ALS.  “F@#! off,” Beckett quickly retorted, and the first donation to the Jimmy Fund was launched. 

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Schilling Will Blog During Shoulder Surgery

With the Friday announcement that Curt Schilling will have season, and perhaps career, ending surgery today, the Red Sox may have come to the end of an era.  But on the bright side, Schilling’s blogging career will continue to surge on.  In fact, the hefty right-hander stressed today that fans can look forward to up-to-minute accounts of his surgery in his blog.  Schilling, eschewing anesthesia as “something for wimps,” plans to write about the surgery as it is taking place.
           “The doctors are against it, but I told them I’m doing it anyway,” a defiant Schilling said.  “Hell, I pitched with a tendon hanging out of my ankle, so how much worse will this be?”
           Schilling said he will make his first report when the first cut into the skin is made, and will give follow-up reports as the skin is flayed and cut and torn open to allow reparations to be made.  Doctors have said that if blood supply slips low, so may Schilling's coherence. “It’ll be a little hard to type when my bicep is basically going to be hanging from a string, so someone might take over from there,” he explained.  He will also call in to Dennis and Callahan on WEEI.  “I just hope Dennis can shut up long enough to let me talk, and Callahan can keep his progressive views on race relations to himself.”  When final exploration of the rotator cuff is complete, Schilling will describe the process at length and when he is finally sewn shut, he will provide an in-depth summary of the process complete with his views on how the surgery went.
           When asked if the idea is extreme, Schilling laughed.  “This is some gutsy journalism,” he said.  “Could you imagine Shaughenssy trying something like this?  If he had a boil removed from his ass—and from his personality you’d think that’s a daily thing—he’d be put under for a week.  I’m a warrior to the end.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Red Sox Plan to Thwart Celtics Victory Parade

With memories of the glories of their own victory parades still dancing in their heads, the vindictive Boston Red Sox management have announced a special plan designed to limit attendance to the Celtics victory parade at 11:00 today.  Sox management last night put out word that at 11:00 today, just when the Celtics parade is due to start, the Red Sox box office will be open and will offer thousands of free tickets to future games this season, including Yankees tickets.
           “We expect half the city to show up at Fenway today,” Larry Lucchino said with a wink.  “People will forget pretty quickly about the Celtics.  Hell, they didn’t even come close to having the same number of arrests at their post-championship celebration, so who really cares about the Celtics?  I said it before, I’ll say it again—we’re the show.  And we'll take any measures to make sure it stays that way.”
            When asked how these Red Sox tickets became available when tickets are sold-out all year, and how they plan to give them for free, Lucchino just grinned.  “Well of course there are no tickets available!” he growled.  “But people won’t find that out until they miss the Celtics parade, which is the whole point of the plan.”
           Will this dastardly plan have a backlash?  “You mean will people stop coming to Red Sox games?” Lucchino asked, before breaking into convulsions of laughter.  “Yeah,” he howled.  “We’re really worried about that.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Red Sox Food Vendor Denies Rat Infestation Allegations

In a follow up to mass allegations of improper food storage and rat infestation around areas where food is prepared, Aramark, the Red Sox food vendor service, yesterday strongly denied the rat infestation charge in an interview with Call of the Green Monster.
           “We strongly deny that we have an uncontrollable rat problem and that these creatures have infested our food supply,” said an Aramark spokesman.  “Instead, people need to understand that we have formed a simple partnership of sorts with the rats.”
           He went on to explain that because the food is admittedly prepared in barbaric methods and that there is a serious risk of poisoning, Aramark, in preparing any food, first feeds a sample of it to the rats.  “If they live, we then feel safe feeding it to the crowd.  If they die, we inspect it further.  If we have overwhelming proof that the food is unsafe for human consumption, we try cooking it a little more—and then if it’s still poisonous, we throw it out.  Safety, as you can see, is of the utmost importance to us.”
           Larry Lucchino seemed pleased with the explanation.  “That sounds like a logical and well thought out response,” he said with a shrug.  Would Lucchino ever let a family member eat Fenway Park food?  He smiled wickedly for a moment.  “Only if they started rooting for the Yankees.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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