Dustin Pedroia has always been the "Little Engine that Could" of the Red Sox. Easily the smallest player on the team, he nevertheless has willed himself to succeed, and believes nothing can stop him. But recently, Red Sox officials have become worried about Pedroia, particularly related to his size. It’s not that the player is wearing down and losing weight as the season progresses. No, the Sox are convinced the diminutive, pint-sized second baseman is actually getting shorter.
“I mean, the kid’s a dwarf to begin with,” said Terry Francona yesterday. “But a week ago when I saw him taking infield, I swore he looked shorter than ever. Just to make sure I wasn’t going crazy, we measured the kid, and we find out he’s shrunk five inches since the start of the season. Three days later, he’s an inch shorter. He’s barely five feet now; if this keeps up, we won’t even be able to see the kid by the time we’d be in the playoffs.”
Pedroia, who likely will be under five feet tall by the end of the month, and bordering on four feet by the All-Star break, disputes the notion that he’s getting shorter. “I’m Superman,” said the ever-cocky second baseman. “Besides, I could be three-feet tall and hit a bomb off any of the chumps in this league.”
A shrinking player is unprecedented in Major League Baseball, and Theo Epstein, while expressing vague concern for Pedrioa’s health, is extremely intrigued by the on-base-average implications of the situation. “He could be three-feet-tall by the time we get to the stretch drive,” Epstein said, eyes gleaming. “No one could pitch to him, he’d walk every time!”
Larry Lucchino has also chimed in that if Pedroia continues on his shortness trend, the Sox could save some money. “Why does he need his own seat on a plane if he’s going to be 10 inches tall by the end of the season?” Lucchino asked. “Just put him on Big Papi’s shoulder. He doesn’t need a hotel room either, we can just put him in a drawer in Francona's room. That money adds up, you know.”
Meanwhile, the Sox have taken steps to make Pedrioa more comfortable, such as lowering the water fountains and benches, and have even lessened the water pressure in showers for fear that he could eventually get washed right down the drain.
“But we expect him to keep right on playing,” Epstein said. “Yes, he'll have some trouble getting to ground balls up the middle, but he’ll be getting on base like no one in the history of the game. Just because you can’t see a guy crossing the plate, doesn’t mean the run doesn’t count.”
