Sox Crisis: Tavarez Won’t Leave
Julian Tavarez’s interesting tenure with the Boston Red Sox came to an official end this week when the team released him, hoping to eventually make a trade for him. Some saw Julian as a colorful character; some as a certifiable psychopath. Smiling or not, Julian always had the look of a man who, with very little or even no provocation, would think nothing of committing mass murder. It is for this reason that the Red Sox, even though they have severed ties with Tavarez, face an uncomfortable situation: he simply won’t leave.
“I had to give Julian the news of his release,” Terry Francona said. “It wasn’t easy…I had body armor on at the time. But I thought he took it well. But now it’s five days later and the guy hasn’t left. He keeps lurking around the locker room, sneaking up behind people and scaring them. And worse, his whole family, including his 23 kids, show up for the post-game buffet.” Francona says he is reluctant to call the police, but admits that he’s run out of ideas on how to get Tavarez to actually leave. “Yesterday, I reminded him he’s no longer with the team he just smiles and says, ‘Oh yes I am, dude. I’ll be with you always, even in your nightmares.’ It gives me chills; I just don’t need this.”
Larry Lucchino admits that actually getting Tavarez to leave is turning into a complicated matter. “We’re legitimately contemplating bringing in a SWAT team,” he said. “I personally won’t go near the guy anymore. He told me the other day he wanted to eat my liver. He said he was just doing a “Silence of the Lambs” joke, but with that guy, I’m not so sure. I’m keeping my liver the hell away from him.”
For Kevin Youkilis, every single at bat is an epic life-and-death struggle, with the fate of the universe seemingly hanging in the balance. It is a Shakespearian drama, in which the meaning of life, the vagaries of fate, and the inevitability of tragedy loom deeply. With a called strike, Youkilis appears to be mortally offended; and should he eventually strikeout, especially by way of a dreaded called strikeout, run for cover, for Youk looks as if his ancestors have been an insulted, his loved one’s violated, and his house burned down. And he’s out for revenge.
In an unusual move designed to help the struggling fielding of Julio Lugo, Terry Francona announced last night that Lugo would begin work selling concessions at Fenway Park when the team returned home, and would not be back on the field until his fielding improved. Lugo has cost the Sox at least one game, and has one of the worst fielding percentages in baseball.
In yet another confusing apology-filled press conference yesterday, Roger Clemens, acting on complaints that his first “apology” press conference was too vague, tried to get more specific but did little to add clarity.
Near tragedy struck in the clubhouse of the Detroit Tigers last night after another loss to the Red Sox when two Tigers’ players were lit on fire while sitting near their lockers. Gary Sheffield and Magglio Ordonez were grieving after the game by themselves when they noticed that someone had set their shoelaces on fire, and the flames were quickly spreading. Screams filled the clubhouse and panic ensued, but thanks to the handy work of teammates, they were able put out the flaming players with a fire extinguisher. Inexplicably, Sheffield then punched the teammate who saved his life, blaming him for dousing him with the foam from the extinguisher. “You ever heard of water?” he reportedly screamed.