After a recent Spring Training workout, Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon relaxed near his locker and took out a copy of the classic novel To Kill a Mockingbird. But ten minutes later, before he could read a complete sentence, Terry Francona briskly walked over and snatched the book out of his hand. “Hey, Pap,” Francona said, “go out and have a few beers. Go dancing and get a little crazy. Don’t be wasting time reading a book!”
While Francona’s actions may seem a bit strange, there is actually a very deliberate purpose to them. Red Sox officials, backed by solid evidence in the extremely low IQ possessed by Papelbon, believe that the limited brain activity of the closer may actually be the key to his success. “When you bring a guy in to face the heart of the Yankees order in a one-run game in the ninth inning, you don’t want him doing a heck of a lot of thinking,” Francona explained, on the condition of anonymity. “So when it comes to things like reading books—and let’s be clear, Pap probably thought To Kill a Mockingbird was a guide in how to effectively kill a bird—we stress to Pap the importance of keeping his life simple. No books, no deep conversations, no pondering the meaning of life. Just think about throwing 97 mph fastballs past people. It’s not too difficult to pull this off. Pap’s got the attention span of a goldfish.”
Theo Epstein says that while he’s pleased with the team’s efforts with Papelbon, he suspects that as the pitcher gets older they will face more challenges. “People naturally become a little more intellectually curious as they get older,” Epstein said. “Now intellect isn’t a word you normally associate with Pap, but we’ll have to continue to make sure we discourage anything that could light a spark with the kid and get him thinking. But anytime I find myself worrying about Pap getting too smart, I take great comfort in reminding myself that this kid actually danced with no pants on right on the field. I can’t tell you how reassuring that is.”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com
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