Call of the Green Monster

Back Tomorrow

Call of the Green Monster will be back in action tomorrow.  Meanwhile, as the Yankees hold Opening Day today, have a look at how they've spent past Opening Days.  Will there be Wildcard rings today?

Psychiatrists Still Baffled by Fascination with Beachballs at Fenway Park

As another season of baseball fun will soon begin at Fenway Park, Call of the Green Monster recently learned that a team of Harvard psychiatrists spent much of last season researching the curious phenomenon of fan fascination with batting around a beachball while games are underway at Fenway Park.
           “The phenomenon is interesting in several ways,” said Maxwell Spindwell, who asked not to be named for fear of being tracked down and assaulted by some of the fans on whom he conducted research.  “For one, fans are paying on average nearly 80 dollars a ticket to watch a baseball game--the most in MLB.  If you include prices of the scalpers the figure is even higher, let alone the exorbitant prices for concessions.  The average fan is lucky to attend one game a season given the scarcity of tickets.  Yet with all of these factors present, you would think fans would be focused entirely on the game.  So it makes it all the more fascinating that fans—grown men and women just as much as children—lose all interest in the game when a simple inflated ball comes into view.  It seems as though they would give almost anything for the satisfaction of keeping the ball afloat—until, of course, some official comes along, confiscates it, and punctures it.  Then again, on average it takes just 8.3 seconds for a new beachball to appear.”
           The ramifications are not inconsequential.  Serious injuries and even fatalities have occurred as fans struggle to tap the often elusive beachball.  “I’ve witnessed grown men knock children to the ground—injuring, maiming, and in some truly tragic instances ending their young lives, splattering them against a seat, all in an attempt to keep the ball afloat,” a teary-eyed Spindwell explained.  “And while all this takes place, a baseball game—their reason for being their and spending good money in the first place—is going on, and yet it hardly seems to matter.”
           And what reasons for this behavior has the research indicated?  “There could be several highly complex psychological factors at play,” Spindwell speculated, “but most probably it’s the result of too much beer.”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Timlin Attacks Japanese Sumo Champion

During a day off in Japan, Mike Timlin and a few teammates decided that they would get a bit of Japanese culture and attend a sumo wrestling match.  The featured warrior for the evening was Japanese sumo wrestling champion Yokozuna Asashoryu.  Timlin and teammates settled in to watch the battle.
           “Look at these fat slobs,” a disgusted Timlin said when the first preliminary wrestlers took to the mat.  “These guys call themselves athletes?  What are they on, the pizza and beer training diet?  Look at them; they think everyone’s afraid of them.  Well, fat doesn’t mean strong, buddy.”
           Mike Lowell and Tim Wakefield, sensing Timlin’s rapidly escalating fury, tried to calm him down.  Timlin began calling out insults to the participants, suggesting that they have a few more donuts and French fries before the match.  Jason Varitek gave Timlin a glass of sake to calm him down, but Timlin spat it out and asked where the Jack Daniels was.  “Can't a guy get a real drink around here?” he fumed.  "I don't want wine!  Especially wine made from rice..."
          Finally, it was time for Yokozuna Asashoryu’s match, and he was greeted with a warm reception from the crowd.  “This guy looks like El Guapo times three,” Timlin cracked.  Then, catching the champion’s eye, he called out to him, “How about a few more hot dogs, pal?  You too tired from yesterday’s 10-yard training run?”
           Suddenly the arena came to a deathly silence.  Ashashoryu walked slowly over to Timlin, as the very ground seemed to shake.  He looked down on him while Timlin grinned defiantly.  “You want make trouble with me, little baseball player?” the distinguished champion said ominously.
           In a split second Timlin launched himself from his seat, grabbing the ankles of the champion, lifting his leg, and bending his toes back while Ashashoryu shrieked in pain.  A knee to the groin further slowed the champion, and a forearm to the chops sent him crashing to the floor, the floor shaking while the structure of the building suddenly seemed in peril.  Timlin stood on top of Asashoryu, and declared himself champion, while Japanese officials sited the many rules Timlin had broken.  Asashoryu began chasing Timlin, but the Sox pitcher managed to pull down Asashoryu’s skimpy ceremonial shorts, while he and teammates tore out of the building.
           Outside, Timlin laughed with great satisfaction.  “I’m telling you, what a career I’ve had,” he said.  “How many guys have World Series rings, and a Sumo wrestling championship?”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Henry Unintentionally Insults All of Japan

Since spending part of his youth in the mountains of rural Japan trying to achieve total consciousness, John Henry thought that, much like Daisuke Matsuzaka and Hideki Okajima, his visit to Japan with the team would be greeted as a homecoming of sorts.  As he stepped off the plane, holding out his hands like the Pope greeting a crowd, he had tears in his eyes as he awaited the crowd’s adoration.  He was surprised to see that none of the Japanese fans were interested in him.  What followed was a series of mishaps that led to Henry unintentionally insulting nearly the entire nation of Japan.
           At the first press conference, Henry insisted on taking the microphone first, although the media were focused on talking to Dice-K and Okajima.  Trying out his Japanese for the first time since his youth, what he intended to say was “People of Japan, your country is more beautiful as ever!”  But, in using a faulty dialect, the actual translation was “People of Japan, your country smells like a rotting fish.”
           He wore a ceremonial robe he claimed was given to him by ancestors of the Emperor of Japan.  However, Red Sox officials noticed Dice-K and Okajima laughing hysterically, and learned that the writing on the robe indicated it was actually from a massage parlor called "Emperor’s House of Massage...and More."  A furious Henry muttered under his breath that he paid nearly two million dollars for the robe on eBay.
           To dispel any thoughts that he might have used such a service, Henry went overboard in describing his conquests of Japanese women during his youth.  “As a young man finding myself,” he began, in an uncharacteristic tone of braggadocio, “let’s just say that many a young Japanese woman found me!  Yes, I would estimate that several villages in this fair country could have been populated by the wild oats I sowed, if you catch my drift.”
           By the time Henry was taken away by the Red Sox director of cultural sensitivity, several of those villages were calling for the Sox owner to be beheaded. A local judge ordered him to remain 500 feet away from all Japanese women.  The manager of the Yomiuri Giants, who the Red Sox played in an exhibition game, stated emphatically, “Keep the creepy-looking white devil ghost away from us.”
           “John’s having a bit of trouble getting his bearings here,” Larry Lucchino chuckled.  “It’s best not to come to a country and insult the entire population.  I’ll tell you one thing, though.  Thank God David Wells is no longer with us.  Now there’s a situation that could get ugly real quick.”

Sox Used Extreme Methods On Japan Flight to Help Players Fight Jet Lag

Larry Lucchino has long been a fan of the Stanley Kubrick classic film of the 70s “A Clockwork Orange.”  When meeting with Sox officials to plan strategy on how they could help the team deal with the overwhelming jet lag that accompanies a 17 hour flight to Japan, a scene from the famous film popped into Lucchino’s head.
           “It occurred to me that the scene where they prop Alex’s eyes open with metal prongs (see picture) to force him to watch violent images could be very useful to us,” Lucchino said reflectively.  “The most important aspect of fighting jet lag is not to sleep on the plane.  So, we strapped all players to their seats and forced their eyes open for the entire flight.”  He chuckled for a moment, and said with a wink, “Nothing in the player’s collective bargaining agreement mentions this, so we gave it the green light.”
           Theo Epstein also ordered ear-splitting music from his band to be piped into the plane cabin during the entire flight.  “I think the combination of propping the eyes open and the almost sadistically loud music really helped fight off all fatigue,” Epstein noted, while admitting that the music did induce nausea with several players, more related to its quality than the loudness.  “Also, when we noticed any player approaching a somnambulant state—technically, it is possible to sleep with your eyes open, Manny does it all the time—we got them on their feet and ordered them to march around the plane while being doused with cold water.  It might seem cruel, but just think about what a pleasant sleep those boys had when they arrived in Japan.  I’ll bet the guys never slept better!  The torture experienced during the trip was no doubt just a distant memory.”
           Did Red Sox management use the same tactics on themselves?  “Are you crazy?” Lucchino asked.  “Why would we force this inhumane treatment on ourselves?  Hell no!  We each guzzled a large bottle of sake, passed out, and woke up just around the time we landed.  We don’t even remember the flight.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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