The struggle to give up chewing tobacco has been a battle that Terry Francona has lost. Last year, even when betting Larry Lucchino $20,000 that he could stop, he lasted barely a month before the wad was stuffed back into his mouth, and brown gobs of liquid were being launched anywhere and everywhere at Fenway Park and ballparks across the league. Yesterday, a desperate Francona announced that he thinks he has a solution.
“I tell ya, I been tossing and turning every night, ‘cause I know the season is about to start,” Francona said, chewing on a badly mauled thumb. “Then, it occurred to me: self-mutilation might be the answer!” Self mutilation? “I’ll say it right here,” he continued. “I will take out a knife and cut out my cheek if caught chewing tobacco this year. It’s a no-lose proposition! If I can’t stop myself from chewing, I cut out the cheek…then I won’t be able to chew. Then, it’s like, ‘How can you stuff your cheek with tobacco when you don’t have a cheek! Ingenious!”
Oddly enough, the idea finally seems to have brought peace to Francona. “When you finally make the decision to inflict a wound on yourself that will leave you spewing blood and with a gaping hole in your face, there’s a tremendous sense of tranquility—it’s liberating,” Francona explained, as he stuffed a large rubber eraser into his cheek and began chewing. “To be free from addiction or free from your cheek—one way or another, this nightmare gets resolved.”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com
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