It was a story that horrified animal-lovers across the country: Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney telling the tale--no pun intended--that his family once drove 12 hours from Boston to Ontario on vacation with the family dog strapped to the top of the car. The story, complete with gruesome details of the dog defecating all over the car, raised the ire of animal lovers, while Romney lightheartedly replied that he just wanted the dog to enjoy the “fresh air.” Now, the Romney family has reported that they will travel to see the Red Sox in Spring Training at Fort Myers…with the dog joining them.
“I love Florida!” said Romney today, despite a heartbreaking loss in the primary yesterday. “Yes, it was a tough loss, but the family loves this state. Ah, it’ll be great to see the Red Sox getting ready to defend their title…and I've seen very few homosexuals down here, which is just wonderful. We’ll be chugging milkshakes all week!”
When asked if the dog would again be strapped to the top of the car, Romney said absolutely not. “First of all, the whole family is heading down, so there’ll be several buses,” he explained. “Second of all, I’ve learned my lesson regarding strapping a dog to the top of a car. It’s not right. No, we’ve bought a ‘neck-friendly’ chain, and we’ll be strapping our dog right to the back bumper of the bus so we can keep an eye on him the whole way. That way, he will enjoy the fresh air, and will just love swaying in the breeze in complete safety. If he needs to relieve himself...well, nature will take care of itself.”
When informed that this might be even more inhumane than his previous stunt, Romney grew impatient. “Oh, for crying out loud, it’s a dog, not one of my grandchildren—who by the way will be strapped on the hood of the bus, only slightly blocking the view of the driver. That dog’ll be having as fun a time as you could imagine, swaying around, getting in good shape while trying to keep up with us…it’ll be like a carnival ride! Meanwhile, the kids are going to look out for anyone who looks like an illegal alien, and will call the police on their cellphones, while the adults plan to throw rocks at any homosexuals we see. It'll be a grand time!"
And will the dog enjoy Spring Training? “We’re going to lock him in one of the buses with a week’s supply of food and a bucket in which to relieve himself,” Romney explained. What of the searing heat of Florida? “Relax,” Romney said, flashing a smile, teeth sparkling in the sun. “We’re going to crack a window.”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com
callofthegreenmonster.com or cotgm.com
It was a signature moment in the Red Sox memorable run to the 2007 World Series championship. Having just clinched the AL East, the Sox came storming onto the field and celebrated with fans late into the night. Beer was flowing, champagne was sprayed…and Jonathon Papelbon was dancing on the field with no pants on—with just some thin soaking wet jockey shorts keeping him from a historic totally nude dance on the Fenway field. Most shrugged it off as an alcohol-fueled moment of exhilaration, but the ever-conservative Theo Epstein has now taken steps to insure that such an incident never happens again.
It was an event that is difficult to forget. Yankees and the Cleveland Indians in a close game in the 2007 ALDS, with Yankees phenom Joba Chamberlain on the mound. Then, the bugs descended upon Jacobs Field. Seemingly millions of bugs swarmed the field, sticking to the players. And Chamberlain, who loved to play the part of the fist-pumping, chest-beating tough guy, looked like a frightened child, swatting at the bugs in a panic as he blew the game for his team. It was another hilarious chapter in that most enjoyable of stories for Red Sox fans: All-Time Great Chokes by the New York Yankees.
The goatee of Kevin Youkilis. Sox fans often looked at it with wonder and fear at the same time. At once amazing in that never has a goatee protruded with such full-grown boldness, such pride, seemingly with a life of its own. And yet, at the same time, precariously sharp, sticking out like a flock of sharply honed fangs, a weapon unto itself. It is said that any time Youk would slide into third base against the Yankees, ARod would go whimpering off in a sprint into the dugout shouting “No fair!”
In another desperate attempt to prove his innocence in the wake of allegations of steroid and HGH use, Roger Clemens has written a book to deny the accusations. The book, entitled “I Never Done Taked Them Steroids” will be published by Random House and should be in bookstores soon.
As a snowstorm descended on Boston early Monday morning, schools and businesses throughout the area saw that with a forecast calling for more heavy snow through rush hour and the rest of the morning, it only made sense to close down and save people from making a dangerous commute. However, Sox manager Terry Francona was up early Monday morning, watching the news reports in anticipation of what he was sure would be a snow day for all Red Sox front office personnel. When it eventually became clear that the Red Sox would not grant front office employees the day off, the Sox skipper became enraged.
While Red Sox fans await news on the potential acquisition of Johan Santana, the Red Sox on Thursday announced a signing of a somewhat lesser note. Backup catcher Doug Mirabelli will be back in the fold for another year, again serving as Tim Wakefield’s personal catcher.
An interview with his friend Mike Wallace didn’t help, and setting up his accuser on a bizarre taped phone call in which he pretended to be concerned with the man’s sick child didn’t help either. Yesterday, an angry Roger Clemens called another press conference and introduced what appeared to be a new strategy in his battle to prove his innocence amidst rampant accusations of performance-enhancing drug use. 
To say that his bid for the presidency has stalled would be a bit of an understatement. Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney spent more than seventeen times the amount of money in the Iowa caucuses that his little-known opponent Mike Huckabee did, and yet got pummeled in Red Sox-beat-Yankees style. Now, Romney may need to win the New Hampshire primary to stay in the hunt, and that will mean spending even more of his fortune.
He has put up with a great deal in order to bring new revenue sources to the Red Sox. Over a few (free) drinks yesterday with Call of the Green Monster, Larry Lucchino revealed that he hates pink hats and all that comes with them, but tolerates them because he loves the money such things generate. But Lucchino told COTGM that there is one thing he refuses to tolerate anymore: “The Wave” at Fenway, perhaps the last place on earth where this cultural abomination still takes place.