It was a story that horrified animal-lovers across the country: Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney telling the tale--no pun intended--that his family once drove 12 hours from Boston to Ontario on vacation with the family dog strapped to the top of the car. The story, complete with gruesome details of the dog defecating all over the car, raised the ire of animal lovers, while Romney lightheartedly replied that he just wanted the dog to enjoy the “fresh air.” Now, the Romney family has reported that they will travel to see the Red Sox in Spring Training at Fort Myers…with the dog joining them.
“I love Florida!” said Romney today, despite a heartbreaking loss in the primary yesterday. “Yes, it was a tough loss, but the family loves this state. Ah, it’ll be great to see the Red Sox getting ready to defend their title…and I've seen very few homosexuals down here, which is just wonderful. We’ll be chugging milkshakes all week!”
When asked if the dog would again be strapped to the top of the car, Romney said absolutely not. “First of all, the whole family is heading down, so there’ll be several buses,” he explained. “Second of all, I’ve learned my lesson regarding strapping a dog to the top of a car. It’s not right. No, we’ve bought a ‘neck-friendly’ chain, and we’ll be strapping our dog right to the back bumper of the bus so we can keep an eye on him the whole way. That way, he will enjoy the fresh air, and will just love swaying in the breeze in complete safety. If he needs to relieve himself...well, nature will take care of itself.”
When informed that this might be even more inhumane than his previous stunt, Romney grew impatient. “Oh, for crying out loud, it’s a dog, not one of my grandchildren—who by the way will be strapped on the hood of the bus, only slightly blocking the view of the driver. That dog’ll be having as fun a time as you could imagine, swaying around, getting in good shape while trying to keep up with us…it’ll be like a carnival ride! Meanwhile, the kids are going to look out for anyone who looks like an illegal alien, and will call the police on their cellphones, while the adults plan to throw rocks at any homosexuals we see. It'll be a grand time!"
And will the dog enjoy Spring Training? “We’re going to lock him in one of the buses with a week’s supply of food and a bucket in which to relieve himself,” Romney explained. What of the searing heat of Florida? “Relax,” Romney said, flashing a smile, teeth sparkling in the sun. “We’re going to crack a window.”
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