Call of the Green Monster

A Christmas Greeting from Manny Ramirez to You

With Call of the Green Monster taking Christmas week off, Manny Ramirez is stepping in with a warm Christmas greeting.  Merry Christmas, all.

Hey everybody!  This is Manny Ramirez wishing everybody a happy merry Christmas.  It is a good honor to be here at Calling the Green Monster.  I want to tell you the story of Christmas, so gather the kids around the table, and sit back and enjoy.  Christmas, from all we know, began with the birth of a special child in the North Pole.  There, a young child was born to Joseph, a young millworker, and Mary who, as far as I know, had no job at the time.  They had no place to stay, because there were lots of people in the North Pole for Christmas, so they pitched a tent in the park, I believe, in a small town called A-Manger.  The child was born, and there was a big moon in the sky, which was shaped like a star, so Santa Claus would know where to go visit this kid.  It was so cool, dudes…and I think not a creature was stirring either. Then, three wise guys from the city made the trip to visit the little guy, bringing gold and other weird gifts that’s difficult to pronounce so let’s just move on.  They thought this was the coolest baby they ever seen.  So it was, yo. And that baby would grow up to give special meaning to our world.

Well, that was a long time ago, and maybe I could be a little fuzzy on the details, but you get the basic picture.  Now, as is a tradition in my family on Christmas, we will light a big fire, cook up some burgers, get the salsa music playing, and stay up dancing all night.  Merry Christmas everybody at Cry of the Green Flopster, dudes!!! And best wishes for any holidays of your own choosing too.  Okay, bye

Uninvited, Julian Tavarez Shows Up at Matsuzaka's House in Japan

It was a snowy, cold night in the swanky neighborhood in Japan where Daisuke Matsuzaka lives during the offseason.  The pitcher was sound asleep with his pregnant wife on the third floor of his mansion, when a loud pounding noise woke them up.  Matsuzaka soon realized that someone was banging on the front door.  He dragged himself out of bed, and proceeded down the stairs.  Looking through the peephole of his front door, he was shocked to see one of his Red Sox teammates waiting outside in the snow waving to him excitedly.
           “Who is it?” asked Dice-K’s wife in Japanese, standing near him.
           “That crazy guy from the Red Sox,” Matsuzaka said.
           “Could you be more specific?”
           “The guy who keeps talking to me even though I can’t understand what he’s saying.”
           “Could you be more sp…”
           “The guy who tried to reach into our fish tank back in Boston when you offered him raw fish!” Matsuzaka exclaimed.
           “No!” Mrs. Matsuzaka screamed.  “Make him go away!  You must remember the baby’s health, husband.  That man is a demon.”
           After telling his wife to go back upstairs, Matsuzaka opened the door and let Tavarez in.  “Hey, how you doin’ dude!” he said, plopping a case of beer on the floor.  He had three bags of luggage with him as well.  Matsuzaka smiled nervously.
           “I’m hungry, man, what ‘chu got to eat, huh?”
           Matsuzaka thought for a moment, and then said, “Sleeping now,” in his best English.
           “You were sleeping?” Tavarez said.  “But with the time difference it’s three in the afternoon my time.  I slept on the plane, bro.  I’m ready to party.  So is my family.”
           Matsuzaka whipped out his Japanese-English dictionary and looked up “family.” He shot a look to Tavarez, who was opening the door.  In walked a parade of people, dusting off the snow, and opening up the beer.
           “Family?” a horrified Matsuzaka asked.
           “I knew you'd be happy to meet them, bro,” Tavarez said as he opened a beer.  “Five of my uncles, seven brothers, four sisters, ten cousins, my mom, and five grandmothers.  Our first time in Japan, man.  We’re planning on staying here until Opening Day!”
           A horrified Matsuzaka looked at the parade of people walking through his house, looking through drawers, camping out in his living room, and wandering into the kitchen.  He quickly scurried up stairs, and minutes later came down with his wife, dressed and loaded up with luggage.  A cab soon pulled up outside.
           “Yo, dude, where you goin’?” Tavarez asked. “I thought we was going to party, you know, go to all the dance clubs in Tokyo.  You leavin’ us dude?”
           Matsuzaka threw him a set of keys.  “See you in April,” he said in broken English, and hurried out the door.
           Suddenly a scream could be heard from the kitchen.  One of his grandmothers came out with a look of terror on her face.  “They got raw fish in the refrigerator,” she said, trembling.
           “It’s delicious once you try it,” Tavarez said, plopping his hand into a fish tank and pulling out more fish.  “The raw fish is okay, you know.  But live?  Now that’s some great cuisine, yo. A delicacy."

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

callofthegreenmonster.com or cotgm.com

In an Attempt to Prove His Innocence, Clemens Submits Alleged Photo of His Buttocks

The news was shocking to some, not so shocking to others.  The centerpiece of the recently released Mitchell report was the revelation that former sure-fire Hall Famer Roger Clemens used steroids and human growth hormone.  That’s right, his head did not get that big on its own.
           After adamantly denying the report, yesterday Clemens took another step in the process when he submitted to Major League Baseball a photograph of his buttocks in an attempt to prove his innocence.  “All you gots to do is look at that there picture, an’ you can tell that ain’t nobody done stuck no needles in my behind,” Clemens explained, as he wiped a splotch of tobacco juice of his chin.  “I mean that just didn’t happen.  When people see that there picture, there ain’t gonna be any a’ them doubts no more.”
           But experts from MLB are already saying that the buttocks displayed in the picture are not Clemens’.  “It’s a fake butt,” said a source who asked not to be named.  “We used extensive computer technology to analyze the picture of the buttocks, and we’re quite certain that it isn’t his.  To put it simply: he got someone to stick their butt out for him.”  The source added that Clemens’ steroid-fueled posterior is much larger than the one in the photo.  “The guy’s really in a bind.  His butt is so huge that I don’t think he’s going to be able to find someone to butt-in for him.”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

callofthegreenmonster.com or cotgm.com

Don Zimmer Named in Mitchell Report

It was a day that would rock Major League Baseball.  The Mitchell report on use of performing enhancement drugs in baseball was released Thursday, and former MVPs and All-Stars were named.  In fact, it marked the first time in the 21st century the New York Yankees won a title: most steroid gorillas in baseball—including the leader of the pack, Roger “Texas Con Man” Clemens.  But perhaps the most stunning revelation of the day was not made public—that is until Call of the Green Monster found out that Don Zimmer was part of the parade of former Yankees on the juice.
           Call of the Green Monster confronted Zimmer late last night at his home in Tampa.  “I’m so ashamed a’ what I done,” he said, muscles grotesquely bulging from his Power Rangers pajamas.  “When I came to New York with the smell, and Steinbrenner, and those barbarians they call fans—I just needed a little bounce in my step.  Little did I know when I took this stuff that I’d turn into an Adonis, fighting off the babes every day.  I got that ‘roid rage thing goin’ too, like when I charged after that little punk Pedro.  Yeah, the juice made me a better bench coach, but at what price?  Oh, do I know no shame?”
         By early morning, calmed by an enormous mound of chewing tobacco on an English muffin with a cup of tea, Zimmer expressed amazement that people would be surprised that Clemens was named.  “I ain’t no doctor or nothin’,” Zimmer said, “but in my experience a’ livin’ on this earth, I don’t think people’s heads is supposed to grow.  Roger had all that groin and hammy trouble because his legs couldn’t support that head.  That ain’t so hard to figure out, if ya ask me.  I mean, look at my head: do I look normal?”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

callofthegreenmonster.com or cotgm.com

Red Sox Offer Fans Opportunity to Build a Snowman at Fenway Park

The winter months can be lonely at Fenway Park.   Construction projects are going on, freezing winds whip across the field, and even the rats are nestled in their burrows awaiting Opening Day.  But this year, Fenway officials are offering fans the unique opportunity to come to Fenway Park and build their own snowman, in what they anticipate will fill the park with happy fans, and fill management’s pockets with yet another brilliant revenue stream.
           “What a joyous way to celebrate the holiday season,” said an ebullient Larry Lucchino yesterday, after finishing a round of Christmas carols, and polishing off some Fenway Cider.  “Bring the kids, bring your mittens, bring your scarf…and of course, bring your money.”
           When snow is on the ground, fans can go right on the field for $100 each and build their very own snowman.  If they wish to preserve the snowman, Fenway Freezers are available for $1,500 each.  If snow isn’t on the ground, man-made snow will be provided at an additional cost.  Fenway hot chocolate, at $8 for a five-ounce cup, will be offered to warm those chilled by the cold. 
           “Heck, even those who can’t make it to the ballpark can enjoy the fun,” Lucchino explained.  “We’ll send them “Fenway Snow” shipped in a freezer—for a price, of course.  What better way to celebrate the holiday spirit!  Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com