The news was shocking to some, not so shocking to others. The centerpiece of the recently released Mitchell report was the revelation that former sure-fire Hall Famer Roger Clemens used steroids and human growth hormone. That’s right, his head did not get that big on its own.
After adamantly denying the report, yesterday Clemens took another step in the process when he submitted to Major League Baseball a photograph of his buttocks in an attempt to prove his innocence. “All you gots to do is look at that there picture, an’ you can tell that ain’t nobody done stuck no needles in my behind,” Clemens explained, as he wiped a splotch of tobacco juice of his chin. “I mean that just didn’t happen. When people see that there picture, there ain’t gonna be any a’ them doubts no more.”
But experts from MLB are already saying that the buttocks displayed in the picture are not Clemens’. “It’s a fake butt,” said a source who asked not to be named. “We used extensive computer technology to analyze the picture of the buttocks, and we’re quite certain that it isn’t his. To put it simply: he got someone to stick their butt out for him.” The source added that Clemens’ steroid-fueled posterior is much larger than the one in the photo. “The guy’s really in a bind. His butt is so huge that I don’t think he’s going to be able to find someone to butt-in for him.”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com
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