Yankees Attempting to Sabotage Schilling's Weight Clause

He was suspicious when cases of ribs from Blue Ribbon Barbecue arrived at his door from an "anonymous friend."  His suspicion grew when 10 boxes of cream-filled donuts arrived at breakfast time yesterday.  And when Colonel Sanders himself arrived with a truckload of food from KFC, he lost his cool—and his will power.
           “Round one goes to the Yankees,” said a corpulent Curt Schilling, as he inhaled large pieces of extra-crispy chicken.  “The intensity of their attack caught me by surprise.”  Schilling, of course, was referring to the weight clauses in his new incentive-laden contract.  By coming in at a pre-determined weight, Schilling can add millions to his paycheck—and perhaps add a little giddy-up to his fastball.
           “I’ve actually gained ten pounds since signing that contract,” Schilling said, slapping himself on the head.  “Why did I ever make the weight clause public?  How am I going to get through Christmas?  Shonda said she’s going to make nutritious meals for us, but I already tried her low-fat Boston Cream pie and it tasted like chalk.  And now the Yankees keep sending food—three times a day!”
           But a resolute Schilling said he will overcome temptation.  “I pitched with my ankle stitched together and oozing blood,” a gritty Schilling said, “so I know I can fight the battle and lose the weight.  Nothing will stop me!  I am prepared for victory! Lean, mean Curt is coming at 'cha!”
           The doorbell rang and Schilling turned around to see Shonda and his kids trying to hide a delivery of grease-drenched blooming onions from Outback Steakhouse.  “Hey!” he shouted.  “I want those!  The diet starts tomorrow.”  His children tried to hold him back while the family dog pulled at his leg.  “I’ve got the whole offseason to lose weight, I want that blooming onion!”
  bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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