Call of the Green Monster

In Compromise with MLB, Sox to Play Opening Games at Fenway But Will Only Allow Japanese Fans to Attend

It has been an endless power struggle with Major League Baseball.  With two Japanese phenoms on the roster, MLB has been haunting the Red Sox to open their season next year in Japan.  The Red Sox, citing major concerns with the long travel and fatigue have been reluctant to agree.  Finally, last night both parties came to an agreement, as the Red Sox will open their season at Fenway Park, but will only allow Japanese fans to attend.
           “We’re very happy with this agreement,” said a tired Theo Epstein, moments after the agreement was reached.  “It will truly be an honor to host 38,000 Japanese fans for Opening Day.  The scoreboard will be entirely in Japanese, as will the announcers.  It should be a wonderful event.  Wait until you taste the Fenway Sushi—it will be great to serve food that is intentionally uncooked.” 
          With the strict guidelines that only allow those of Japanese descent into the park, there is some question as to whether even Sox management will be allowed to attend.  “I’m planning on being there,” Epstein said.  “My Uncle Leo’s wife is Japanese, so I do have some Japanese blood in me…somehow.  I’ll be right down in front.”
           Indeed, the issue of American fans claiming to be Japanese is already turning into a logistical nightmare for the Red Sox.  “We had Mayor Menino and Ted Kennedy over here claiming they were part Japanese and demanding tickets,” said Larry Lucchino, who is referring to himself as Larry-san, and claiming to have fathered a Japanese child earlier in his life.  “I, of course, am Japanese beyond any doubt, but these other clowns have no chance.  Shaughnessy told all the Japanese media to go commit suicide and demanded a media credential.”
           John Henry, decked out in a traditional Japanese robe and wearing a headband with Japanese writing on it said all problems will be worked out.  “I’m sure we’ll be able to control the crowd,” he said in English, though, strangely, speaking with an affected Japanese accent.  He claims to have been full-blooded Japanese in three of his “infinite past lives.”
           “The sake will be flowing, and wait until your hear how beautiful “Sweet Caroline” sounds in Japanese,” he said.

bill@callofthegreenmonster

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Yankees Attempting to Sabotage Schilling's Weight Clause

He was suspicious when cases of ribs from Blue Ribbon Barbecue arrived at his door from an "anonymous friend."  His suspicion grew when 10 boxes of cream-filled donuts arrived at breakfast time yesterday.  And when Colonel Sanders himself arrived with a truckload of food from KFC, he lost his cool—and his will power.
           “Round one goes to the Yankees,” said a corpulent Curt Schilling, as he inhaled large pieces of extra-crispy chicken.  “The intensity of their attack caught me by surprise.”  Schilling, of course, was referring to the weight clauses in his new incentive-laden contract.  By coming in at a pre-determined weight, Schilling can add millions to his paycheck—and perhaps add a little giddy-up to his fastball.
           “I’ve actually gained ten pounds since signing that contract,” Schilling said, slapping himself on the head.  “Why did I ever make the weight clause public?  How am I going to get through Christmas?  Shonda said she’s going to make nutritious meals for us, but I already tried her low-fat Boston Cream pie and it tasted like chalk.  And now the Yankees keep sending food—three times a day!”
           But a resolute Schilling said he will overcome temptation.  “I pitched with my ankle stitched together and oozing blood,” a gritty Schilling said, “so I know I can fight the battle and lose the weight.  Nothing will stop me!  I am prepared for victory! Lean, mean Curt is coming at 'cha!”
           The doorbell rang and Schilling turned around to see Shonda and his kids trying to hide a delivery of grease-drenched blooming onions from Outback Steakhouse.  “Hey!” he shouted.  “I want those!  The diet starts tomorrow.”  His children tried to hold him back while the family dog pulled at his leg.  “I’ve got the whole offseason to lose weight, I want that blooming onion!”
  bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Call of the Green Monster Gives Thanks

As we enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday, Call of the Green Monster would like to use this opportunity to thank all those members of Major League Baseball who through their actions made it ever so easy to make fun of them.

          Thank you, ARod, for making a fool out of yourself with your opt-out/please-take-me back-I-love-you-and-I’m-sorry-routine--in addition to your numerous other moronic escapades.
          Thank you, New York Yankees, for being the soap opera/comic strip organization that provides so much fodder for laughter, and for once again pulling a choke in the playoffs.
          Thank you, Cleveland Indians, and all your towel-waving yahoo fans for going down in the playoffs.
          Thank you, Colorado Rockies, and all your towel-waving yahoo fans for going down in the World Series.
          Thank you, Manny Ramirez: yes, of course for your hitting, but as long as you’re on the Red Sox there will be humor—though painful at times.
          Thank you, Terry Francona: I’m sorry you couldn’t quit your tobacco chewing, but it makes for some great bits.
          Thank you Larry Lucchino, John Henry, and Theo Epstein: people often email me and ask why I don’t like you—it’s a parody site!   

And thanks to all of you who take the time to visit my dopey website. Happy Thanksgiving!

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Shocking Exclusive: George Steinbrenner Has Been Dead for a Year

Call of the Green Monster learned late last night the shocking revelation that former Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has in fact been dead for over a year.  When confronted with strong evidence, the Yankees organization last night admitted the truth.
           What is especially mystifying to many is: Who was impersonating Steinbrenner for the past year, since he has been seen in public several times—albeit in an apparently feeble state.  “No one was impersonating George,” said a front office source.  “He passed away one night over a year ago. We had his body preserved, and then hired the services of one of the world’s foremost master puppeteers.  The strings were virtually invisible--it was amazing.  And you’ll notice that whenever he appeared in public, someone was right nearby.  Well, in fact, they were holding him up.  When you saw him in the owner’s box, our puppeteer was working his magic, making the old man look as lifelike as possible...waving to the crowd, giving the finger to Red Sox fans.  The day we announced Clemens was coming back?  Roger had no clue the whole time George was dead. Of course, Roger's not exactly the brightest guy around, but still...”
           Apparently, the sickening ruse was a longtime wish of Steinbrenner’s.  “Unfortunately, as his last days approached, George realized that medical science was not going to allow him to live forever, as he originally planned,” the source said.  “He initially looked in to having Brian Cashman killed, and harvesting his vital organs to keep him alive, but when it was proven to him that that plan would not work, he came up with this.”
          People began to get suspicious when, out of nowhere, Hank Steinbrenner seemed to become the official Yankees spokesman.  “Hank is certainly as big if not a bigger jerk than the old man, but people were wondering why George would be giving him the spotlight.  Until a year ago, Hank had been locked in a closet for 25 years as punishment for coming home late from his prom.”
          While many were fooled, it ultimately took the master journalistic talents of Call of the Green Monster—and a lot of bribery—to show that the old man has passed away. “As strange as it sounds,” the source said, “when George died it was relatively normal.  I always imagined his end would be a little like the way the Wicked Witch of the West died in "The Wizard of Oz."  You know, that someone would accidently pour water on him and he’d melt, and all the monkeys around him would just stare, not sad at all.  Well, the monkeys around him didn't seem sad, but the guy running the team now ain't no Dorothy either.”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Angry Over Not Winning Cy Young, Beckett Kills 157 Animals on His Hunting Ranch

As voting of this year’s Cy Young Award revealed that C.C. Sabathia was the winner, an angry Josh Beckett, spending the day at his hunting ranch in Texas, proceeded to vent his rage by killing 157 animals in what was later tabbed as the most successful hunt in the ranch’s history.  Deer, birds, coyotes, turkeys, and bobcats all fell victim to the barrage of bullets from Beckett’s weapons.  It’s estimated that the harvested meat could feed a small impoverished country. “To be honest, it’s a little easier for Josh” said a friend who wished to remain anonymous, “because he knows where the animals are--it's his ranch.  Everyone else has to go looking for them.” No humans were killed, though several close calls were reported.
           Later in the day, a visibly calmer Beckett sat down to address the media.  “I’m so grateful to have hunting in my life,” he said with a poignant smile, as animal blood and entrails stained his face and dripped off his jacket.  “It’s always helped me to focus on and find my inner peace.  Blowing the brains out of a few of those animals helps me realize what the most important things are in life.”
          Meanwhile, reports out of Cleveland were that the portly Sabathia had closed down several Burger Kings throughout the city, celebrating his victory.  “That’s how I find my inner peace,” he reportedly said.

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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