A tearful Alex Rodriguez broke down during intense questioning from Call of the Green Monster yesterday and admitted that by opting out of his lucrative Yankees contract and asking for outlandish money he is not trying to establish himself as the richest athlete in sports history, but instead is trying to end his career.
“Oh, darlings, it’s true,” he said, dabbing at his eyes with a monogrammed handkerchief, as mascara dripped down his cheek. “My experiences in New York have just been so dreadful, with those awful fans blaming me for everything that’s gone wrong with the franchise—I just can’t step on a baseball field again only to be taunted and humiliated. I'm scarred I tell you! Oh, what price, honor?”
Call of the Green Monster became suspicious of ARod’s intentions when we learned that he had turned down a 10-year billion dollar offer from the Dodgers, stating it was a “good start” to further negotiation. Despite that, agent Scott Boras maintains other teams will go higher.
Now, trying control ARod’s shocking revelation, Boras said that he still plans to reap a financial fortune, despite this news. “You can press us all you want,” he told COTGM, “but Alex is getting his money and so am I. We’ll get some dumbass team—preferably one that wants to be constantly distracted by an egomaniacal guy who can’t win a championship...the Yankees come to mind—to pay Alex a fortune, and then we’ll just have him fake an injury and he’ll be done. I think anybody who knows him would believe he had a life-threatening nervous breakdown.”
“But Scott my dear, I did have a life threatening nerv…”
“End of interview!” Boras yelled, grabbing ARod by the hair. “Please Alex, just go hide in your apartment, keep your mouth shut, and let me handle this free agent stuff, huh?”
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