WEEI Acknowledges an Increase in the Number of Idiotic Callers After Red Sox Season Concludes
As baseball season comes to a close with a glorious Red Sox championship, a WEEI representative told Call of the Green Monster that a demographic survey of audience trends indicated a discernible increase in the number of callers who fall into the “idiot” range.
“We believe it might have something to do with baseball season,” the representative said. “Not so much that football fans are idiots—because there plenty of pink-hat-wearing-I-don’t-know-anything-about-baseball-but-I-love-to-go-to-Fenway-and-get-stinking-drunk-and-throw-up-in-my-seat baseball fans—but more that Fred Smerlas and Steve DeOssie tend to attract callers whose intelligence doesn’t allow them to function normally in society. For instance, were it not for medication, shock treatment, and a heavy-duty bibs, both those guys would be in maximum security prison for life.”
The WEEI representative indicated that there’s a trade-off for the station when not using Smerlas and DeOssie. “Those borderline functional people are a huge part of our audience,” he noted, “and they can relate to the forms of communication Smerlas and DeOssie employ: imitations of flatulence, general scatological humor, and the always engaging threats of violence to callers who disagree with them, not to mention the general screaming and exchanging of insults. DeOssie’s tales of…uh… dating…underage women is an especially popular topic among this crowd. But when we put Steve or Fred on to talk about baseball, not only do they make complete fools of themselves—far more than usual—but we lose audience members who simply can’t comprehend the more articulate hosts like Sean McAdam, Steve Buckley, and Tony Massarotti.”
The representative acknowledges that the end of baseball season makes things far more simple. “We get any semblance of intellect out of the way, let Steve and Fred go loose, and the ratings soar. These baseball people tend to think too much.” Asked to comment on the topic, DeOssie and Smerlas threatened to "beat the crap" out of this writer.
I woke up today in a different world. This cannot be...this is. Two times in four years the Boston Red Sox are World Series champions. The Yankees have become what we once were. I think back through all my years as a fan, when it seemed as if the concept of the Red Sox winning the World Series was an impossibility. But now, as I live in this new world, it is reality. Two times in four year the Boston Red Sox are world champions. I just want to keep saying it. Today, I cannot even attempt to be funny. I have to just spend the day acclimating myself to this new universe. Boston Red Sox...World Champions...again. Welcome to the new world.
Baseball is not exactly a hallowed tradition in Coors Field in Denver. Some fans will be riding down on sleds from the mountains, while others will be drawn to the game by the offer of free props—noisemakers, if you will—that are handed out to fans to break them out of their catatonic state. Snow, skiing, and football are about the only things that our comrades from Colorado understand. Therefore, in order to have their team properly supported while playing on the world’s biggest stage, Rockies management has prepared giant cue cards to inform fans on the appropriate action to take at different parts in the game.
After several nights now listening to Tim McCarver analysis, the general consensus among COTGM staff members is that they’d rather suction out their eyeballs with a wine cork and pour wasabi sauce into the open wound than listen to another word he has to say. But this writer refuses to follow the crowd, and instead will take the road less traveled. Here are a few positive observations on Mr. McCarver’s work.
Talk about the layoff of the Rockies, talk about Josh Beckett looking pretty good on the mound, and talk about the Red Sox quite sufficient hitting attack. You can even talk about the fact that 75 percent of the Rockies loyal fan base gave up on the series last night. But the real story for those who follow the intricacies of the game as COTGM does, was another dominating performance by Eric Gagne that really made the difference.