Explosive allegations came from Indians pitcher C.C. Sabathia over the weekend as the portly pitcher claimed he was weakened before his Friday start because he couldn’t get his usual fill of cheeseburgers before Friday’s game. Sabathia was pounded in a lopsided loss to the Red Sox.
“We got into Boston on Thursday night,” a fuming Sabathia said. “I started walking into every hamburger joint I could find. Every dude in the place would be wearing a Red Sox hat, and they were all telling me they were out of hamburgers. They were saying things like, ‘Perhaps you might be interested in some lighter fare,’ or 'Would you care to look at our vegetarian offerings?’ Man, I didn’t want no vegetables, I wanted a damn cheeseburger! Lots of them. That’s why I didn’t pitch well, and Red Sox fans knew that would happen if they didn’t give me my cheeseburgers.”
Following up on the shocking allegations, COTGM sent reporters to several hamburger joints in the Boston area, but none of them would comment on the allegations.
“That figures,” said Sabathia. “These hamburger cooks are all alike, they got that kitchen of silence thing going, they’re all so damn loyal to each other.”
When Larry Lucchino was apprised of the story, he shrugged his shoulders. “I had nothing to do with it,” he said, appearing to be stifling a giggle. “I had a delicious garden burger before the game, and I was just fine.”
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