Call of the Green Monster

"President of Red Sox Nation" Election Linked to Sharp Increase in Suicides

As the endless, shameless, and thoroughly tiresome promotion by the Red Sox and NESN for the "President of Red Sox Nation" continues, the shocking news was uncovered last night that the excruciatingly annoying campaign has been linked to a sharp increase in suicides the Greater Boston area.
           “It’s a crisis of epic proportions,” said leading Boston psychiatric researcher Michael Headly.  “The ceaseless nonsense is literally driving people out of their minds.  Police are pulling people off the bridges every night.  Hotlines are jammed to capacity.  People would rather sit through a “Sox Appeal” marathon.  It seems the entire city of Boston is begging them to stop this tedious torture.”
           Jerry Remy, who manages to sneak in a little analysis of the game in between plugs for the "President of Red Sox Nation" promotion disagrees.  “There are a great number of people at the game and watching the game at home who don’t understand a thing about baseball,” Remy contends.  “We’ve got to find a way to keep those people entertained. If you’re interested in baseball, it’s probably getting tired.  But we have to be fair to the large number Red Sox Nation members who don’t care about baseball, but actually find this kind of thing entertaining.”
           Tonight, as NESN plans to air a “presidential debate” complete with Tim Russert, the tedium is expected to reach new heights.  “We’ll have police out monitoring areas that could be suitable venues for a suicide,” Mayor Menino announced.  “But we also ask all citizens of the city of Boston to be vigilant.  If you’re watching the game tonight, and someone excuses themselves from the room when the Red Sox Nation president nonsense starts, stay with them, keep sharp objects away, lock cabinets with dangerous fluids, and seal all the windows.  Tonight could get ugly.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Yankees Demonstrate Extraordinary TLC with Joba Chamberlain

Yankees phenom--for the moment, until like most Yankee pitchers he develops shoulder or hamstring problems--pitcher Joba Chamberlain has taken the Bronx by storm. Fans have fallen in love with him and are especially delighted by the way he pumps his fist and jumps around like a lunatic in need of being medicated every time he throws a strike. (Although, because they are Yankees fans, they are poised to turn on him at any moment.)  Fans have also become accustomed to the extra care Yankees management are giving the young pitcher, with what they call the “Joba Rules.”  In order to protect him, every time he pitches, he gets a day off the following day.  However, Call of the Green Monster has learned that the TLC of the Joba Rules extend far beyond that.
           “It’s almost sickening the way they’re babying this kid,” said Derek Jeter, speaking on the condition of anonymity.  “When we’re on the road, they make sure they bring his Power Rangers cereal for him, and they give him chicken nuggets and carrot sticks for lunch, and that juice with a straw attached.  Joe Torre brings him milk and cookies for afternoon snack time, and takes him to the playground. Worst of all, they actually sing the kid to sleep every night, and let him snuggle with his Buzz Lightyear doll. When Lowell hit that bomb off him in Boston, the kid was sobbing so loud after the inning that they had to give him a pacifier. It’s pathetic.”
          “It’s not pathetic, it’s special,” said an emotional Chamberlain when informed of Jeters off-the-record comments.  “I feel so safe.  Grampa Joey is really nice to me n'stuff.  On Saturday nights, I get to watch a Disney video.  It’s neato!” 
          Torre confesses that the treatment is somewhat unusual.  “Of course it’s a bit silly, but the kid needs this or else he starts crying and I'm up all night with him,” Torre says.  “Plus, this is New York, and we’re the Yankees.  Nothing’s normal around here.  I’ve been singing ARod to sleep for four years now.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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John Henry Invites Britney Spears to Resurrect Career Singing National Anthem at Fenway

He has been a loyal fan since the earliest days of her career.  Pictures of her adorn his luxury condominium and his office at Fenway Park.  He has followed her on tour and seen nearly all of her live performances.  He even claims to have seen her actually sing a song once without lip-syncing.  Yes, John Henry unabashedly proclaims himself to be a big fan of fast-fading pop-star and prolific nut case Britney Spears.
           “I can’t confirm that I heard her actually sing a non-lip-sync song, but in my heart I believe it’s true,” Henry told Call of the Green Monster with a dreamy smile.  “And that’s where Britney will always remain…in my heart.  I get goosebumps just thinking about her!”
           Henry said he was discouraged by Britney’s less-than-stellar performance at the MTV awards, during which she was accused of being overweight and unable to even lip-sync successfully.  “It was just so unfair, the criticism,” an emotional Henry said.  “First of all, I like a few extra pounds on a woman, and secondly, lip-syncing is a very difficult skill that takes some time to master.  Over the past few years she’s been busy getting married a few times, having two kids, accidentally dropping the kids on the floor and having social services visit her to give her training in basic mothering skills, and, finally, doing just about any drug or drink she can get her hands on.  It takes time to get your skills ready for prime time again.”  Subsequently, Henry has invited Spears to resurrect her career right in friendly Fenway Park, where he plans to have her sing the National Anthem.
           “It will be the thrill of my lifetime to see my Britney right here in Fenway,” Henry gushed.  “I’ve had some contact with her and we’re going to change her outfit just a bit.  It will be skimpy but tasteful.  And we’ve already had a skilled professional singer tape a version of the Star Spangled Banner for Britney to lip sync.”
           Fellow Britney fan Terry Francona is thrilled about the upcoming appearance, and thinks fans need to lighten up on her.  “Aw, heck, just leave the kid alone,” he said. "I gotta tell ya I was proud of that kid when she shaved her head.  I can relate—it's very liberating to shed those locks.  It tells you a lot about who you are.  Personally, ever since I did it I’ve been fighting off the babes, because I’m a happily married man.”
          “First of all,” Curt Shilling commented, “Terry had about two hairs on his head when he decided to shave it, so it's a little different than that whack job singer.  And the only babes he's fighting off are the grandmothers who think he's kind of cute.  Second of all, if they let that kid lip sync our nation’s glorious anthem, it will be the low point in the franchise’s history.  Pink hats will look like a dignified traditional by comparison."

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Francona Changes His Mind and Gives Up on Gagne

In a stunningly swift change of heart, Terry Francona told Call of the Green Monster this morning that he has completely given up on Eric Gagne.  Earlier this week, Francona told the media he would continue to trust Gagne in pressure situations.
           “I changed my mind,” a notably nervous Francona said.  “I’m through with the guy, he’s toast.  You can only pull this ‘I have faith in my players’ crap for so long.  Matt Clement has a better chance of closing out a playoff game for us than this guy.  And while I was telling him this, I told him take off those goofy glasses once and for all.  He looks like some geek from MIT who’s never left his laboratory out there.”
           While Francona contends that the decision was his alone, and came after watching hours of tape and studying thousands of pages of data, Larry Lucchino confided in COTGM that the decision was far simpler than that.  “I might have mentioned to Terry that he will lose his job on the spot if I see that Revenge of the Nerds reject on the mound again during any meaningful game time,” Lucchino said in very terse terms.
           Informed of Lucchino’s comments, Francona said, “That, also, played a part in my decision.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Epstein Hoping to Find a GM Dumb Enough to Take J.D. Drew

“Not dumb enough!” muttered a disgusted Theo Epstein as he sat in his office, feverishly typing the names of MLB GMs into a database while a Call of the Green Monster staff member sat hiding in a closet in his office.  The desperate GM continued to peck away at keys on his computer keyboard.  With each flurry of strokes, another profile of a GM from another team would appear.  “Not dumb enough!” Epstein sighed again.
           Finally the COTGM reporter emerged from Theo’s closet.  A stunned Epstein reached for the phone to call security, but the reporter threatened to reveal a humiliating incident from Epstein’s childhood and was invited to sit down.  Asked what he was doing, Epstein cited the Red Sox privacy policy.
          “Tiny Tot pre-school,” our reporter began, “at that time, you had the nickname…”
          “Okay, okay!” Epstein shouted.  He looked up and spoke tentatively.  “I am exploring the possibility of trading J.D. Drew.”
          “And this computer database?”
          “Look, it’s very simple,” a testy Epstein explained.  “The guy has been another boneheaded signing on my part.  He’s not going to make it here in Boston—for crying out loud he probably won’t even be in the starting line-up in a couple of weeks.  We’re not the Yankees, we can’t have $14 million platoon players.  So I need to do very detailed, intricate, complex, research.”
         “Research for?”
         “To find a GM dumb enough to take him in a trade!” Epstein screamed.  He sat back for moment and tried to compose himself.  “We keep a detailed database of GMs and study their tendencies, their habits, their odd nuances.  We follow their personal lives to see when they might be in the midst of some emotional crisis, and hence vulnerable to making a bad trade.  We rate them on a dumbness scale of 1 to 5, 1 being the most vulnerable. Almost everybody does this.  For instance, the Padres knew I was having a nervous breakdown when I traded Josh Bard and Cla Meredith for Mirabelli.”
         As Epstein  was speaking, his computer started beeping.  His head whipped around to look at the screen.  “Ah ha, splendid!” he said with a big smile.  “Marital problems compounded by repeated migraines and nicotine withdrawal!”  He picked up the phone.
        “Why hello there!” he said in friendly voice.  “For the right price, I might be willing to part with J.D. Drew.  Interested?”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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